My kid is a quitter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have to keep at it, keep at finding things and keep at encouraging those things and keep your kid attending.

You're the quitter, by the sounds of things. I don't mean to be cruel - its just the long list of things your kid has quit, is quite extensive.

I think its fine to try a bunch of things out though, not everyone wants to be an Olympic skiier or an ice-skating queen.

Op here. Unless you have a kid like this, you may not fully understand. I have two boys and the younger one is not particularly skilled in any activity. He sometimes wants to stop, but we can have a conversation about it and the importance of finishing, then considering something new to try. It's just not the same with older DS. Yes, we'll keep trying and encouraging him, but it is exhausting and often leads to turmoil in the family dynamic.

I do fully understand, I am the self confessed quitter above. My mother enabled me, too.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had quit swimming my senior year of high school. I was so burnt out and it made my senior year miserable. I was depressed and stressed out from it and sick of being tired ALL THE TIME from morning practices. Now as an adult if I no longer enjoy doing something I just quit. I am much happier for it and have no regrets.

[Anonymous]

My DD has several "pointy" friends. Kids who found their passion young, and have focused on it with laser intensity. My DD likes doing a lot of different things and does not have just one passion. When she compares her music skills to her friend who just does piano, she finds herself lacking. When she compares her soccer skills to her friend who has been playing club for years, she finds herself lacking. When she compares her academic skills to her friend who reads voraciously and studies ahead because it's interesting, she finds herself lacking. I try to point out that her academic friend can't play soccer to save her life, her music friend practices piano when she should be studying, etc. I suggest that if my DD really wants her music or soccer or academics to improve, she might have to give a little on her other interests and start focusing on the one that she wants to do better in. She tells me she wants to do better in them all.

It also makes her want to quit. She used to play club soccer, but couldn't give it the time it needed so she dropped it before it dropped her. Now she feels like she's bad at soccer, so why bother playing rec. Her friend who lives for the piano gets asked to play for various things, and my DD doesn't, which makes her feel like her efforts are pointless and she should quit. So far we've jostled her along, because she enjoys the activities, but it's hard because in everything she does, she can point to someone in her immediate environment who is better at it than she is. For a kid who wants to be on top, that's hard.

[Anonymous]

Neither of my kids has been hyper-involved in multiple activities throughout childhood. Instead of labeling them "quitters," I choose to label them late bloomers. Not everyone has a true passion or even an intense interest, so why expect a child to have multiple passions or think that something is wrong with them if they don't? I've provided encouragement and opportunities when I see flashes of interest or potential interest but I wouldn't make them do something just for the sake of making them do something.

Both kids did finish black belts in martial arts and we did push them to complete that as the interested waned at times, but didn't say a word when they opted to quit after reaching that milestone. DS has stuck with music, has some talent and is seeing some payoff in terms of being eligible for some additional ensembles. I don't see why I should feel like a bad parent because he doesn't also play 2 varsity sports and travel soccer or something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has several "pointy" friends. Kids who found their passion young, and have focused on it with laser intensity. My DD likes doing a lot of different things and does not have just one passion. When she compares her music skills to her friend who just does piano, she finds herself lacking. When she compares her soccer skills to her friend who has been playing club for years, she finds herself lacking. When she compares her academic skills to her friend who reads voraciously and studies ahead because it's interesting, she finds herself lacking. I try to point out that her academic friend can't play soccer to save her life, her music friend practices piano when she should be studying, etc. I suggest that if my DD really wants her music or soccer or academics to improve, she might have to give a little on her other interests and start focusing on the one that she wants to do better in. She tells me she wants to do better in them all.

It also makes her want to quit. She used to play club soccer, but couldn't give it the time it needed so she dropped it before it dropped her. Now she feels like she's bad at soccer, so why bother playing rec. Her friend who lives for the piano gets asked to play for various things, and my DD doesn't, which makes her feel like her efforts are pointless and she should quit. So far we've jostled her along, because she enjoys the activities, but it's hard because in everything she does, she can point to someone in her immediate environment who is better at it than she is. For a kid who wants to be on top, that's hard.

As someone who is a classically trained pianist and was pushed by my parents to do it throughout my childhood, including recitals and competitions, I can tell you that it is quite miserable until you get a good mastery of it. The struggle is real and it is hard and many people are not cut out for it. But there is a silver lining if she can break through and get to the other side. As an adult, it has provided me with a lifetime of joy and pleasure and it has helped me immensely in getting my children up and running on piano as well, which warms my heart. It is usually not fun to be "middling" at something - you have to just keep pushing through until you get to the other side. Tell her to keep going - even when the going gets tough - she will get there eventually. The amount of time it takes is NOT important and she should absolutely stop comparing herself to others. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I applaud ice skating mom.

Don't wonder why your kids quit/suck at everything when you permit them to call the shots about everything. My parents were the same as ice skating mom. I was basically forced to practice (like extra practice--beyond the scheduled ones) my sport and wasn't allowed to quit. As a kid I sort of resented it and I fought with my parents a lot. As an adult I am so glad they made me stick with it. For one, I have a fantastic work ethic now. Second, this sport paid for my college. As a law school grad, I have ZERO STUDENT LOANS. ZERO. Lastly, I am still really good at it and continue to play and it's a great social activity for me.

If I had gotten my way, I'd be saddled with loans and probably not have developed the good traits that make me attractive to employers like discipline and sticking with a task I don't particularly like.

Explain to me how playing a sport pays for law school. I'm interested.

My parents had a moderate amount of money saved for college. I got a full scholarship that covered all college expenses. I chose a law school where I got in state residency and paid for it out of pocket with the money that had been saved for college. Any more questions?

I mean, I had a sports scholarship and went to grad school and have no student loan debt, but I don't type it in caps. I also received no help from my parents. I think your post made it seem as though you did it all with sports.

[Anonymous]

I think that it is quite alright to make your kid continue certain activities if they are not being harmed. Everyone is "forced" to take math in school despite some kids hating it. I was a child who picked up on things easily and then quit when it got difficult. My parents never made me follow through or practice, yet they let me take just about every activity/class known to man: softball, soccer, gymnastics, ballet, jazz, piano, violin, etc..... etc....... Well, it was all very interesting, but I ended up good at not one of these activities. My kids are very into one sport and do take an instrument. One of my children went through a period of time where dc "hated" music class. We persevered and now dc really enjoys it. I know that dc will thank me when older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I applaud ice skating mom.

Don't wonder why your kids quit/suck at everything when you permit them to call the shots about everything. My parents were the same as ice skating mom. I was basically forced to practice (like extra practice--beyond the scheduled ones) my sport and wasn't allowed to quit. As a kid I sort of resented it and I fought with my parents a lot. As an adult I am so glad they made me stick with it. For one, I have a fantastic work ethic now. Second, this sport paid for my college. As a law school grad, I have ZERO STUDENT LOANS. ZERO. Lastly, I am still really good at it and continue to play and it's a great social activity for me.

If I had gotten my way, I'd be saddled with loans and probably not have developed the good traits that make me attractive to employers like discipline and sticking with a task I don't particularly like.

Explain to me how playing a sport pays for law school. I'm interested.

My parents had a moderate amount of money saved for college. I got a full scholarship that covered all college expenses. I chose a law school where I got in state residency and paid for it out of pocket with the money that had been saved for college. Any more questions?

I mean, I had a sports scholarship and went to grad school and have no student loan debt, but I don't type it in caps. I also received no help from my parents. I think your post made it seem as though you did it all with sports.

Sports were the direct cause of me being able to finish school without any debt whatsoever. Which is huge these days. I dare you to find many other law school graduates who graduated within the last 10-12 years who have zero debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There I said it! MS DS can't handle any adversity. Band gets to difficult, he wants to quit. Soccer too challenging and friends seem better than him, he wants to quit. We encourage him to stick with it and to try to enjoy the process and not stress over it, but he refuses. I hate his attitude and inability to take on any adversity. Just venting.

What does this say about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Skate mom hijacked my thread, LOL. My frustration is that when my DS sees that his friends are improving more than he is (my son is not athletically gifted), he complains that the coaches give the other kids more attention and that they are better and so he wants to quit. I wouldn't mind so much if he had other interests, but we've gone through so many similar situations with him, i.e., karate, swim, baseball, tennis, golf, piano, etc. and nothing sticks when things start to get challenging. I totally get that my kid is not one with a passion (or at least we haven't found it yet), but can't he just play/participate for the enjoyment of playing. I've also told him that he'll see in the next year or two that many of his friends are going to be trying out for high school teams. I want him to be aware so that he isn't totally stunned that he missed the boat later. He is socially clueless in that way. Anyway, it's just extremely frustrating.

Evidently not. You're basically saying, "Why he can't be a different kid?"

Yes, it's frustrating, but you have to raise the kid you have, not the kid you might wish you had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As someone who is a classically trained pianist and was pushed by my parents to do it throughout my childhood, including recitals and competitions, I can tell you that it is quite miserable until you get a good mastery of it. The struggle is real and it is hard and many people are not cut out for it. But there is a silver lining if she can break through and get to the other side. As an adult, it has provided me with a lifetime of joy and pleasure and it has helped me immensely in getting my children up and running on piano as well, which warms my heart. It is usually not fun to be "middling" at something - you have to just keep pushing through until you get to the other side. Tell her to keep going - even when the going gets tough - she will get there eventually. The amount of time it takes is NOT important and she should absolutely stop comparing herself to others. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Good luck!

I have the opposite view. There has to be something about playing an instrument that brings you joy, at every level of playing. It makes no sense to keep playing an instrument miserably in the hope that some day it will bring you joy. Joy is the whole point of music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it! MS DS can't handle any adversity. Band gets to difficult, he wants to quit. Soccer too challenging and friends seem better than him, he wants to quit. We encourage him to stick with it and to try to enjoy the process and not stress over it, but he refuses. I hate his attitude and inability to take on any adversity. Just venting.

What does this say about you.

Not the OP, but I think what is says about her is that she wants to raise a kid who tries to overcome challenges and fights through difficulties. Life throws plenty at us, and learning to handle difficult things and overcome adversity is a huge life skill that we should all try to teach our kids, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op. I get it. I have a similar D.C. For them, Not so much quitting but just trying everything once. Not really A fit for anything...athletics, music, arts, etc. it's heartbreaking and frustrating as all his friends are on the HS sports teams, drama events, philharmonic. But look, you offered/ supported and he tried. It's not him. There is real intrinsic/ extrinsic motivation.

My one D.C. Gets up at 4:30 every day to swim. It's all him. My father never played a sport in his life and my brother excelled in 3 sports. My dad loved him but worked a lot. I don't think he EVER came to a sporting event in HS. Kids do it for themselves or they don't.

With the one of ours who just has no success, we said you have to then at least get a job. He works 2 days a week after school. He will complain but it's nice there he is fine. He also loves church youth group and goes to all the meetings.

He graduates this year. As my husband reminds me...most people are quite average. We ( and me)owe sight of that living in DC. I wish you much peace as I've been where you are.

[Anonymous]

" lose sight"

[Anonymous]

Just a thought. Sometimes it is the parental involvement that creates the quitting. We can be like poison to the frail sense of self that teens have.

My son has a serious literary hobby that he works on with a tutor. I pretend I don't know that he no longer needs the executive function assistance to create this space. Weird, I know, but it works.