My kid is a quitter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am a quitter too and I regret everything I ever quit, from ballet age 6 when it hurt my feet but the director of the school said I was a "natural"and I was, even with the first three toes the same length, to many other things as an adult...

My DS has tendencies to do this too, but his dad is not a quitter, he is a "see it through to the bitter end" person and we never offer quitting as an option.

gEntly and with encouragement you can do the same.

How do you know you were a natural dancer?

The thread is focused on quitting or not and you ask this? Whats wrong with you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I applaud ice skating mom.

Don't wonder why your kids quit/suck at everything when you permit them to call the shots about everything. My parents were the same as ice skating mom. I was basically forced to practice (like extra practice--beyond the scheduled ones) my sport and wasn't allowed to quit. As a kid I sort of resented it and I fought with my parents a lot. As an adult I am so glad they made me stick with it. For one, I have a fantastic work ethic now. Second, this sport paid for my college. As a law school grad, I have ZERO STUDENT LOANS. ZERO. Lastly, I am still really good at it and continue to play and it's a great social activity for me.

If I had gotten my way, I'd be saddled with loans and probably not have developed the good traits that make me attractive to employers like discipline and sticking with a task I don't particularly like.

Don't be so arrogant. There are intelligent ways to develop resilience and work ethic in children, and ice skating mom doesn't seem to do it right. Also, it depends on the child, so one parent may have to engineer things differently for each kid.

I push my kids really hard, but I have let my children quit activities.

[Anonymous]

"You can quit <activity>, but you have to find a replacement that is similar (eg exercise, social, team building, skill building, get the hell out of the house and off the screen......)" That is what we said to our DC and that seemed to work. He stayed with three reasonable activities.

I think it worked because it didn't cause a power struggle about a specific activity, it gave him permission to quit, it gave him the control and choice to do what he wanted to do.

[Anonymous]

I'm like ice skating mom. My kid's have to do an activity. Physical fitness and being healthy is important to me and my husband. I was always in a sport or dance class growing up and DH was always an athlete and played D1 in college. We both agree that it taught us to have amazing work ethics and time management skills.

I don't care what they do, they just have to do something. DS started off in baseball and ended up hating it. He did it for a few years because all of his friends were in it, but he was just miserable so we sat down and picked something else. He did karate for a bit, but wanted something to expel more energy, so DH suggested soccer and he's been doing that ever since. I secretly suspect DS is just a runner like me, but he says he only likes running when there's a goal in sight (literal pun intended).

DD has always been in dance, gymnastics, vollyball, and track. She's tried various other sports growing up and found what she liked and didn't; what she was good at and what skills she lacked.

I don't consider it being a quitter if the kid gives it a real try and has a plan to move onto something new.

I'd think ice skating mom was a horrible parent if her DD was one of those kid's who was up at 4 am for practice, skated for 3-4 hrs before school, skated for 3-4 hours after school, and never had a social life because she was gone every weekend for competition AND her DD kept voicing her hatred of the sport. Right now, she just sounds like a typical teen being a teen.

For you, OP, I think you set a rule. We sign you up for X sport and you MUST attend every practice and game for the season or if you quit early, you owe us the fees. He can quit and move on to something else after the season is over. That seems reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Skate mom hijacked my thread, LOL. My frustration is that when my DS sees that his friends are improving more than he is (my son is not athletically gifted), he complains that the coaches give the other kids more attention and that they are better and so he wants to quit. I wouldn't mind so much if he had other interests, but we've gone through so many similar situations with him, i.e., karate, swim, baseball, tennis, golf, piano, etc. and nothing sticks when things start to get challenging. I totally get that my kid is not one with a passion (or at least we haven't found it yet), but can't he just play/participate for the enjoyment of playing. I've also told him that he'll see in the next year or two that many of his friends are going to be trying out for high school teams. I want him to be aware so that he isn't totally stunned that he missed the boat later. He is socially clueless in that way. Anyway, it's just extremely frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Each kid is different. Some want to be forced to continue, and others don't. My daughter, who I think is mildly inattentive ADD, goes through phases of wanting to quit activities when they get difficult. Once she's through the hump, she's happy we made her stay. My son simply doesn't have much interest in complicated hobbies, he prefers to just play soccer with his friends for fun and read a lot. While I am sure my daughter would eventually regret not having pursued any hobbies seriously, my son couldn't care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I applaud ice skating mom.

Don't wonder why your kids quit/suck at everything when you permit them to call the shots about everything. My parents were the same as ice skating mom. I was basically forced to practice (like extra practice--beyond the scheduled ones) my sport and wasn't allowed to quit. As a kid I sort of resented it and I fought with my parents a lot. As an adult I am so glad they made me stick with it. For one, I have a fantastic work ethic now. Second, this sport paid for my college. As a law school grad, I have ZERO STUDENT LOANS. ZERO. Lastly, I am still really good at it and continue to play and it's a great social activity for me.

If I had gotten my way, I'd be saddled with loans and probably not have developed the good traits that make me attractive to employers like discipline and sticking with a task I don't particularly like.

Explain to me how playing a sport pays for law school. I'm interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Skate mom hijacked my thread, LOL. My frustration is that when my DS sees that his friends are improving more than he is (my son is not athletically gifted), he complains that the coaches give the other kids more attention and that they are better and so he wants to quit. I wouldn't mind so much if he had other interests, but we've gone through so many similar situations with him, i.e., karate, swim, baseball, tennis, golf, piano, etc. and nothing sticks when things start to get challenging. I totally get that my kid is not one with a passion (or at least we haven't found it yet), but can't he just play/participate for the enjoyment of playing. I've also told him that he'll see in the next year or two that many of his friends are going to be trying out for high school teams. I want him to be aware so that he isn't totally stunned that he missed the boat later. He is socially clueless in that way. Anyway, it's just extremely frustrating.

I feel your pain, OP. My DS is exactly like this. I tell him physical activity is important and I want him to just have fun. He settled on tennis, but never practices and then complains that he's not good. I'm making him do it anyway because he hasn't come up with anything else, and sitting around on his phone all day with no physical activity isn't a good option. I keep hoping something will click, but I'm still waiting ?

[Anonymous]

OP you have to keep at it, keep at finding things and keep at encouraging those things and keep your kid attending.

You're the quitter, by the sounds of things. I don't mean to be cruel - its just the long list of things your kid has quit, is quite extensive.

I think its fine to try a bunch of things out though, not everyone wants to be an Olympic skiier or an ice-skating queen.

[Anonymous]

Childhood is supposed to be about experimentation. Let them try different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Skate mom hijacked my thread, LOL. My frustration is that when my DS sees that his friends are improving more than he is (my son is not athletically gifted), he complains that the coaches give the other kids more attention and that they are better and so he wants to quit. I wouldn't mind so much if he had other interests, but we've gone through so many similar situations with him, i.e., karate, swim, baseball, tennis, golf, piano, etc. and nothing sticks when things start to get challenging. I totally get that my kid is not one with a passion (or at least we haven't found it yet), but can't he just play/participate for the enjoyment of playing. I've also told him that he'll see in the next year or two that many of his friends are going to be trying out for high school teams. I want him to be aware so that he isn't totally stunned that he missed the boat later. He is socially clueless in that way. Anyway, it's just extremely frustrating.

I feel your pain, OP. My DS is exactly like this. I tell him physical activity is important and I want him to just have fun. He settled on tennis, but never practices and then complains that he's not good. I'm making him do it anyway because he hasn't come up with anything else, and sitting around on his phone all day with no physical activity isn't a good option. I keep hoping something will click, but I'm still waiting ?

+1 Exactly like my MSer DS, and exactly why I made him try swimming, tennis, martial arts, fencing, basketball... I don't want him to sit on his butt all day at home on electronics. I told my DS he has to do *some* kind of physical activity. I let him quit these things for now becaue he has PE everyday right now, and he's in Scouts, and they do a lot of hiking and camping. But, otherwise I'd make him continue with some physical activity.

I do make DS continue with his music lesson. He started playing a harder piece, but not practicing much, so he wasn't seeing any improvement. Not surprisingly, he wasn't enjoying it. He has a lot of free time. Almost no HW, so I made him practice for minimum 20min. (and that's even not much). Low and behold, he started really seeing improvement and now kind of enjoys it because it actually sounds better. Same thing happened with basketball. He was not good so wanted to quit. But when he started playing a lot more just for fun, he started getting better.

I've spoken to him at length about putting in effort if he wanted to see results, but now he's really seeing it. It does help that he does have some aptitude for this instrument. So, maybe OP's DS just hasn't found anything he's got aptitude in? Is there anything that when he puts effort into he sees improvement... like school work?

IDK, but don't let your DS give up. Hard work, not giving up is more important than being smart. My DS was also in a gifted program, but I told him it doesn't matter how smart you are if you are lazy and not willing to work hard and are afraid of failure.

[Anonymous]

My DD has ADHD and for a while she was a quitter too! She quit figure skating, and replaced it with cheer/gymnastics, which she did before as well. Then she quit All Star high level cheer team. She liked it but coach was yelling all the time. Since being diagnosed and on medication she hasn't quit anything. She is actually working harder in school and after school sports than ever before. I also told both my kids, that if they ever wanted to quit their sport or extra curricular activities that I will never make them do it. She wasn't going for Olympic Gold, and is still active in a different sport. It was nice and I think my DD appreciated that I didn't make a fuss about it. After all, these are all just sports and not prison sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have to keep at it, keep at finding things and keep at encouraging those things and keep your kid attending.

You're the quitter, by the sounds of things. I don't mean to be cruel - its just the long list of things your kid has quit, is quite extensive.

I think its fine to try a bunch of things out though, not everyone wants to be an Olympic skiier or an ice-skating queen.

Op here. Unless you have a kid like this, you may not fully understand. I have two boys and the younger one is not particularly skilled in any activity. He sometimes wants to stop, but we can have a conversation about it and the importance of finishing, then considering something new to try. It's just not the same with older DS. Yes, we'll keep trying and encouraging him, but it is exhausting and often leads to turmoil in the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm very sympathetic. I have several kids and they all have varying degrees of resilience/persistence and quitter-syndrome.

When my oldest wanted to quit soccer (the dynamics of his team changed) I told him that was fine but then we had to find some kind of physical activity because that was important to do. He ended up staying with soccer and is quite happy with it. He's not very good but he likes it and it keeps him active.

Another child would walk over hot coals once a week if he committed to it. I think a lot of this is inborn.

I err on the side of not letting them quit, and helping them get good at something. I have read that true self-esteem comes from mastery of skills, and so I have tried to help my kids master whatever it is they seem most interested in. But I hear you - if the kid isn't passionate about something, it's really hard to figure out what to help them master. I have no answers for you -- I have a similar kid who isn't interested in working hard and mastering anything yet. But I'm constantly on the lookout for what that might be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I applaud ice skating mom.

Don't wonder why your kids quit/suck at everything when you permit them to call the shots about everything. My parents were the same as ice skating mom. I was basically forced to practice (like extra practice--beyond the scheduled ones) my sport and wasn't allowed to quit. As a kid I sort of resented it and I fought with my parents a lot. As an adult I am so glad they made me stick with it. For one, I have a fantastic work ethic now. Second, this sport paid for my college. As a law school grad, I have ZERO STUDENT LOANS. ZERO. Lastly, I am still really good at it and continue to play and it's a great social activity for me.

If I had gotten my way, I'd be saddled with loans and probably not have developed the good traits that make me attractive to employers like discipline and sticking with a task I don't particularly like.

Explain to me how playing a sport pays for law school. I'm interested.

My parents had a moderate amount of money saved for college. I got a full scholarship that covered all college expenses. I chose a law school where I got in state residency and paid for it out of pocket with the money that had been saved for college. Any more questions?