Found the perfect egg donor but getting cold feet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it's pretty amazing just how much they seem utterly like my kids - physically and in affect - to anyone who meets them.

That's because they ARE your kids

Another DE mom here - my kids don't look like me, people sometimes comment on that. I guess that hurts a teeny tiny bit, but it's MORE than made up for by the intense love I feel for them. I cannot imagine that I would love my kids any more if they happened to share my (crappy) genes.

And I say this without ever getting to try with my own eggs. I have POF; super high FSH (in the 100s) and really low AMH. So, yeah, THAT sucked. I cried. Then I moved on. I have not looked back. Fertility doctors aren't telling you to try DE just because they want to make money. Given your age and numbers, I am sure that they think DE is the best way for you to become a mom. Maybe I'm naive. Doctors are not Gods (despite what they may think) and I am sure some people have been told "your only hope is DE" who go on to have OE kids. You may be one of those people. But maybe not. No one has a crystal ball that can predict the future. How long do you want to spend in limbo? (There's no right or wrong answer.)

I wish you very good luck.

PS - I did SG shared risk. Took me more than two donors and more the five cycles to get pregnant. VERY glad I did shared risk. The money is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And it's pretty amazing just how much they seem utterly like my kids - physically and in affect - to anyone who meets them.

That's because they ARE your kids

Another DE mom here - my kids don't look like me, people sometimes comment on that. I guess that hurts a teeny tiny bit, but it's MORE than made up for by the intense love I feel for them. I cannot imagine that I would love my kids any more if they happened to share my (crappy) genes.

And I say this without ever getting to try with my own eggs. I have POF; super high FSH (in the 100s) and really low AMH. So, yeah, THAT sucked. I cried. Then I moved on. I have not looked back. Fertility doctors aren't telling you to try DE just because they want to make money. Given your age and numbers, I am sure that they think DE is the best way for you to become a mom. Maybe I'm naive. Doctors are not Gods (despite what they may think) and I am sure some people have been told "your only hope is DE" who go on to have OE kids. You may be one of those people. But maybe not. No one has a crystal ball that can predict the future. How long do you want to spend in limbo? (There's no right or wrong answer.)

I wish you very good luck.

PS - I did SG shared risk. Took me more than two donors and more the five cycles to get pregnant. VERY glad I did shared risk. The money is worth it.

Duh - you're totally right of course! (I'm the one you're quoting.)

[Anonymous]

OP, have you done a consult with a clinic that specializes in immune issues?

[Anonymous]

NP here. As someone who's just starting the DE journey, I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their stories.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Even thouh we found the perfect donor, I think dh is leaning toward not doing DE and just TTC on our own for one more year, then closing up shop if not pregnant by then. I think he is overwhelmed by the logistics of choosing a new clinic, paying $40K for the IVF plus donor fee plus agency fee plus other expenses, and having no guarantee that it will work with my immune issues problem. He already feels that 40 is too old to be pregnant (he is 40). He believes that my immune issues problem is my bigger infertility issue, but like me is very hesitant about the immune treatments (neither of us wants to do them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even thouh we found the perfect donor, I think dh is leaning toward not doing DE and just TTC on our own for one more year, then closing up shop if not pregnant by then. I think he is overwhelmed by the logistics of choosing a new clinic, paying $40K for the IVF plus donor fee plus agency fee plus other expenses, and having no guarantee that it will work with my immune issues problem. He already feels that 40 is too old to be pregnant (he is 40). He believes that my immune issues problem is my bigger infertility issue, but like me is very hesitant about the immune treatments (neither of us wants to do them).

Well you need his cooperation if you want to continue fertility treatments. If he refuses to provide his genetic material for IVF (whether OE or DE) you can't move forward. Unless you would consider leaving DH and doing DE+donor sperm. But that's a very different scenario.

[Anonymous]

Well, you only did 3 IUIs and one failed IVF -- all with low egg production. There's no really good reason to think that immune issues are going to block you from getting pregnant. That said, you could do immune treatment "lite" -- prednisone (not too high dose) and maybe intralipids. Not that expensive. Also make sure your Vitamin D and TSH are good. If you still have problems with DE, you could try different things -- e.g. natural cycle FETs.

If you do your own donor (non-shared), the likelihood is that you'll get lots of embryos to freeze -- enough for plenty of tries in case something is a little off, and FETS are relatively cheap. I would NOT do SG if you have some concerns about immune issues.

I have one child naturally conceived at 37, and one DE baby from when I started trying conceive at 39. I had her shortly after I turned 43 -- after first trying on our own, then IUI, then IVF, then donor cycles at CZ and SG with various failures and miscarriages. She is a lovely little bunny, and I adore her with all my heart. I love her just as much as I love my "naturally-conceived" child.

[Anonymous]

Personally I'd try my own eggs with immune treatments for a little while. Good luck OP, it is a really hard decision and there's no right answer. It is all about what your most important priorities are.

[Anonymous]

OP, been there. This is how I resolved the issue. I asked myself, why do I want a child?

Do I want a child because I want a little me and a genetic legacy? Do I want a child because I think I have something to offer as a parent? For me, I realized that the second reason was more important to me than the first, so I chose an egg donor. I think most people, myself included, want to have a child for both reason, so it is not that easy to determine which reason trumps the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Even thouh we found the perfect donor, I think dh is leaning toward not doing DE and just TTC on our own for one more year, then closing up shop if not pregnant by then. I think he is overwhelmed by the logistics of choosing a new clinic, paying $40K for the IVF plus donor fee plus agency fee plus other expenses, and having no guarantee that it will work with my immune issues problem. He already feels that 40 is too old to be pregnant (he is 40). He believes that my immune issues problem is my bigger infertility issue, but like me is very hesitant about the immune treatments (neither of us wants to do them).

After a 9w loss of twins from my OE IVF cycle, I was ready to move on to DEs. We had been doing treatments (IUI and IVF) for 2 years and I wanted our family to grow n.o.w. DE is not a sure-thing, nor is it a quick process. If you want a family, don't put off another year...go for it now. Your post talks a lot about what way DH is leaning and he thinks and feels--where are you on all those points? Sounds like he is okay not having kids--are you at that point, as well? SG's guarantee gave us a great sense of security that we'd either be leaving with a baby or leaving with our $31K back in the bank. (Happily we did not need a refund.)

Lots to think about--GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, been there. This is how I resolved the issue. I asked myself, why do I want a child?

Do I want a child because I want a little me and a genetic legacy? Do I want a child because I think I have something to offer as a parent? For me, I realized that the second reason was more important to me than the first, so I chose an egg donor. I think most people, myself included, want to have a child for both reason, so it is not that easy to determine which reason trumps the other.

yeah, but if your husband is not on board then it's all a moot point.