7th grader says he needs to "chill" after school

[Anonymous]

I do something similar as 10:21. My 8th grader has ADHD and needs to take his medication after school (it's non-stimulant, long acting). I make a list every morning for DS, put it on top of a milk box/Frappuccino and but his pill in a small container on top of the list. We've had excellent medication compliance since doing this as well as chore compliance. Letting the dogs out to pee is near the top of the list, including a foster dog that is crated during the day. (One day, DS didn't let the foster dog out to pee, said the dog didn't want to go out.....and, of course, the dog peed in the house. DS had to clean it).

If DS gets all his chores done before DH gets home 2 hours later, he gets to have his phone the next day. if he doesn't get them all done, he doesn't get his phone back until a day he completes the chores on his list. There's been bumps in the road but, overall, DS has done a really good job. He always has the option of texting me if something comes up or he has a question about a chore.

We get much better results from DS by giving him a list. He's got clear parameters (has to do it before DH gets home), he's got control within the parameters, the work gets done and he's learning the value of lists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does need to chill from the day. That said, puppy chores are nonnegotiable and need to get done before anything else.

My son has a list. Dishwasher, dog and cat, tidy kitchen from breakfast, porch light. It is on his bedroom door. It was worth the fight to get this achieved.

Are you the op? If not, does your son get all the things done from the list? If so, count me impressed!

I am not the op. I am raising an introvert who needs quiet after school. He hates when we telecommute. My son mostly does get everything on the list done. He sometimes forgets something if he stays after school, but never forgets to let the dog out. He gets a B- for the litter box (cleans the poop, but doesn't sweep). He also cleans up dinner a few nights a week.

Thanks for complimenting us. He is an exemplary child here, but you can trust that we have our own set of teen troubles (and parenting failures) with him. You would not want to follow my lead on "wash your hair".

Hi, I'm the impressed poster. No teen is perfect and no adult is either but, sounds like you have a good kid ( so do I but, not sure they would do everything on the list ) We are all a work in progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He does need to chill from the day. That said, puppy chores are nonnegotiable and need to get done before anything else.

My son has a list. Dishwasher, dog and cat, tidy kitchen from breakfast, porch light. It is on his bedroom door. It was worth the fight to get this achieved.

Are you the op? If not, does your son get all the things done from the list? If so, count me impressed!

I am not the op. I am raising an introvert who needs quiet after school. He hates when we telecommute. My son mostly does get everything on the list done. He sometimes forgets something if he stays after school, but never forgets to let the dog out. He gets a B- for the litter box (cleans the poop, but doesn't sweep). He also cleans up dinner a few nights a week.

Thanks for complimenting us. He is an exemplary child here, but you can trust that we have our own set of teen troubles (and parenting failures) with him. You would not want to follow my lead on "wash your hair".

Hi, I'm the impressed poster. No teen is perfect and no adult is either but, sounds like you have a good kid ( so do I but, not sure they would do everything on the list ) We are all a work in progress.

You I like. Thanks. I do have a good kid. We all pick our battles and none of us were happy when I pitched a fit on a regular basis about having to tidy the kitchen before cooking dinner, or just got grumpy preparing it in a messy one.

[Anonymous]

Some kids do need down time after school before starting homework. So I wouldn't push that as much as the dog. The dog is not an exception.

[Anonymous]

As someone with a kid who needs extra nudging to remember to get things done, I set an alarm clock. He has time to chill after school but when the alarm clock goes off in the kitchen he knows it is time to start homework. We set the alarm in the morning before we head out the door so I it is ready for the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guarantee he has loser friends that don't do anything but "chill" after school and snapchat and group message him and offer to game online from 2pm-10pp. It normalizes "chilling", i.e. EVERYONE(!!!) else is chilling, why can't I?

Good luck. A shitty peer group undermines any progress you make inside the house.

Insane.

[Anonymous]

Family Guy isn't appropriate for a 12 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone: I'm the OP. Thx for your replies. I did talk about the ethical aspect of the puppy and he seems to feel bad for a bit, but then doesn't want to deal with doing it. She is, to be clear, a total spaz. At this point, she isn't cuddling until she has run like a maniac. But he's not a mean jerk-- he is just too into wanting to relax and prob be on his phone. Regardless, he is going to need to do this or the phone is gone and I am promising myself I will stick to this. He is bright, but we are investigating possible ADHD inattention. Btw: some of his grades do count in 7th bc he is in a couple advanced classes It's hard to do homework later at night bc he has several sports in the evenings. I don't really want to take those away bc I think he needs to run and exercise. So I really need him to start after a bit of chill time. His friends are all very smart, but they are all addicted to their phones. He's not allowed to play Xbox on weekdays and he knows that. I just need him to care for the dog, start some work and I guess have some chill time before sports etc. thx for listening. The only motivation, albeit negative, is taking away his phone and saying he can't be social on the weekends. Finally, public school is way harder than when I was a kid!!!!

Puppy needs to work off pent-up energy. That's a natural reaction. Sounds like your son's having a hard time understanding why he needs to place her needs over his own need to relax.

Think about it: he's just spent hours following directions and doing school work. He comes home and the first thing he needs to do is defer dealing with his own pent-up energy and complicated teenage feelings about whatever happened that day in order to deal with the puppy's pent-up energy. Delayed gratification is a pretty big challenge for any kid. You're talking about motivating him through extrinsic means (taking away his phone). That's sort of a fragile "fix."

If you can connect to his deeper values over this, you're better able to achieve a more robust outcome that could have positive effects for his decisionmaking in other areas of his life. You know your son best, and what would work well for him. Ideas that come to my mind include touring an animal shelter to talk and interact with staff and/or watching shows focusing on people learning to resolve pet-rearing challenges.

[Anonymous]

I feel so sorry for today's overscheduled kids. Every moment of their day is regulated. No intention of doing this to my child. Guess he will grow up a loser.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the kind parents who have thoughtful answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so sorry for today's overscheduled kids. Every moment of their day is regulated. No intention of doing this to my child. Guess he will grow up a loser.

Come back when you have a teenager.

[Anonymous]

I would make him solve the problem. Here is your time, here is your hw, your sports, the dog and chill time.

If I have to pay a dog walker that costs the family X. If you are not starting your HW, that is affecting ypur ability to do sports.

Don't just come home early and/or pay someone because your kid wants to watch Family Guy. All you are teaching him to do is be self-absorbed.

Either drop a sport, drop part of your allowance to pay the walker, or learn "to chill" by taking your dog for a walk. Life has trade offs. Better to learn them sooner rather than later.

I'd make him show me some homework that has been started before going to practice. No work, no ride. School before sports.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for a list - I do it for my 6th grader and my 9th grader if I'm not home after school. Includes walking the dog, homework, check email, and whatever else they need to do. They can do it on their own schedule as long as dogs are first thing and all done by dinner. My 9th grader literally watches TV and eats until the last second and then works quickly, my 6th grader rushes and does everything first, but at least they both do it and they get to both have control over their schedule.

[Anonymous]

He should get half an hour to do whatever he wants, eat something.

[Anonymous]

To be 12 again! Hopefully my advice will make sense to some. 12 year olds can't be trusted with a puppy, sorry, learned from my own kids. Wanted the puppy, wanted, wanted.... and then just played with the puppy for the first 2 months and done, just like another toy. Now, that dog is mine and mine to walk, DD never learned how to control a high energy dog since she didn't walk him from early on, nor did DS, but he is older and stronger so he can manage it. DH overseas now so I walk the dog, all the time. Fights about who will walk the dog when I work too late and tell DS to walk him. "Why isn't sister walking" whining even at 17. Sometimes I think I like my dog better than my kids! Just joking, but half serious. Homework gets done on their own, they do clean upon my orders, but for me dog was a losing battle. Wish you better luck with your DS and your puppy! I can't give advice since I clearly didn't do it right.