I met my date's kid after a month and not sure how I feel, should I continue things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What I did have a problem with was my ex continue to see women he felt lukewarm about long enough for them to make an impression on DD. When he finally broke up with them, I think DD was more upset about it than he was, and that was a problem.

You're completely right - children experience subsequent relationship break ups much more like another divorce than adults do. Great research on it in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161

The book isn't anti-divorce (neither am I), but it's really valuable information on how to handle divorce best based on pretty compelling data. I've seen so many parents going through a divorce or already divorced avoid it because they feel like they don't need another guilt trip - they're hard enough on themselves as it is. However, if they'd read the information, they'd feel more confident in their future choices.

OP, you already know what the right thing is to do. I bet when you were typing out the post, you thought to yourself "Yeah, the more I right, the more my gut says..."

I suspect that is breaking it off, but I don't know for sure. You do though, and listening to your gut will not steer you wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would date a man who had been divorced two years and his son will still in preschool.

That alone shows very poor judgment indeed.

Harsh!

How do you know if his wife wanted to leave at all cost even though she begged her to stay? What if she got pregnant by somebody else and he couldn't bear raising the other child? What if she was physically abusive?

There are many legitimate reasons to be divorced with a young toddler or a baby.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, OP. No kids, but you're the bestest parent ever, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he was being a little harsher with his kid than usual because he wanted to make sure his son made a good impression on you?

Still kind of weird, though.

Did he tell the kid you are dating or that you are friends? A few times over the years, my daughter has met people I was dating, but she didn't know I was dating them. She's used to meeting lots of my friends of both sexes, so occasionally I'll throw the date into the mix in a group setting to see how they get along. I get to see how he interacts with kids in general and mine in particular, I get to see how she reacts to him, and she doesn't get more attached than she would to anyone else she's met once.

[Anonymous]

You're both idiots.

[Anonymous]

<record scratch> what we he hospitalized for?

Could he be in pain? Men do NOT share symptoms. He may have been pushing himself too hard and paid the price.

[Anonymous]

Also not sure how great of a parent he could be if he has only had every other weekend with his kid since he was around 2.

Do we have to assume the divorce is his "fault"? I got out of an abusive marriage, so I tend to "go there" but in this case there is far too little to go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<record scratch> what we he hospitalized for?

Could he be in pain? Men do NOT share symptoms. He may have been pushing himself too hard and paid the price.

He has a chronic illness(as do I, but a different one) that causes a lot of discomfort. So that is a possibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also not sure how great of a parent he could be if he has only had every other weekend with his kid since he was around 2.

Do we have to assume the divorce is his "fault"? I got out of an abusive marriage, so I tend to "go there" but in this case there is far too little to go on.

OP here, he advised me that he didn't want to get married and he was pressured to do so. So perhaps the divorce was his fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also not sure how great of a parent he could be if he has only had every other weekend with his kid since he was around 2.

Do we have to assume the divorce is his "fault"? I got out of an abusive marriage, so I tend to "go there" but in this case there is far too little to go on.

OP here, he advised me that he didn't want to get married and he was pressured to do so. So perhaps the divorce was his fault

I would also be curious about why the "court order" and why the every other weekend. I know it's a common schedule, but for a kid that age, I've never heard of a situation where a parent who wanted joint custody was denied unless they were unfit in some way. Maybe by "court order" he just means that their custody schedule was arranged by the court, and it's not a huge deal, but I think if I was considering a relationship with someone who already had a kid, they'd have to be a super involved, enthusiastic parent. Otherwise how can you expect them to be that way in the future with any children you might have together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I broke up with a man with 3 young kids and separated 6 minthswho wanted me to meet his kids after 3 dates. Poor kids,they were still reeling from the breakup if their family. Way too early to meet dates!



So why didn't you just refuse to meet the kids at the time.

What are you looking for, the wisest person who ever lived?
[

I did, I said that I thought it was too early to meet his kids--both for our relationship and for the kids. He said that he felt that I probably wasn't serious then about dating a man with kids and that they were part of the deal. At that point, 3 dates in, it wasn't worth the hassle/argument. If he had heard what I was saying--that it was too soon for me (not to mention his kids!)--and backed off, I might have continued to date him. FWIW, I did marry a man who already had a child.

[Anonymous]

If he only sees his kid once every other week, I would be concerned that he's giving up that solo time for a date!

[Anonymous]

OP overall it _sounds_ like you are looking for corroboration on your hunch that this guy is just not the man for you.

Its totally ok for you to have the hunch and act on it. So soon in the game to get a bad vibe is significant.

I'm not liking the "was pressured into marriage" thing. I understand this happens, but I question why he wasnt in control of his sperm and then his marital status. Thats a red flag right there. This is life, not some game. On the other hand, with chronic illness in the mix, his thoughts on what the next best move would be different. Maybe.

Do you LIKE him? I mean, what are his pluses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I broke up with a man with 3 young kids and separated 6 minthswho wanted me to meet his kids after 3 dates. Poor kids,they were still reeling from the breakup if their family. Way too early to meet dates!



So why didn't you just refuse to meet the kids at the time.

What are you looking for, the wisest person who ever lived?
[

I did, I said that I thought it was too early to meet his kids--both for our relationship and for the kids. He said that he felt that I probably wasn't serious then about dating a man with kids and that they were part of the deal. At that point, 3 dates in, it wasn't worth the hassle/argument. If he had heard what I was saying--that it was too soon for me (not to mention his kids!)--and backed off, I might have continued to date him. FWIW, I did marry a man who already had a child.

Oh HEYULL no. Its on YOU that YOU arent serious? Oh please. No no no. Nope. Nope. Nope. I don't like him now. How dare he put that on you? Argument hassle on date 3?

Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke up with a man with 3 young kids and separated 6 minthswho wanted me to meet his kids after 3 dates. Poor kids,they were still reeling from the breakup if their family. Way too early to meet dates!

So why didn't you just refuse to meet the kids at the time.

What are you looking for, the wisest person who ever lived?

Omg, did she say whether she did or didn't meet the kids at the time, or do you want to assume she did so you can judge her? You aren't the wisest person who ever lived, lol, but you may be the bitchiest.