Explaining to my three year old that I'm a love child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is 3, quit making this so involved. "I don't have a dad, some people don't!"

yeah I don't get this either. He's 3! My parents died before my kids were born and my 5.5 year old has just started asking about them..

[Anonymous]

I don't get the answer "I don't have a dad." I think that is more confusing and has to be un-done down the line. I agree she doesn't need to get into the affair dynamics, but I'm a big fan of telling a child only accurate things, in the most age appropriate way. There's less unwinding to do later & confusion.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is that you want to be understood, not that your kid needs to understand. Stop making this all about you. This "gifted" nonsense - true or not - is just a transparent attempt to justify what you want to do anyway.

At the very least, just wait. The vast majority of 3-yr olds--gifted or not--have the attention span of a gnat. She will move on. You should too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

Honestly OP yo are projecting your feelings onto your kid, Stop that right now. Its clear you are not over this at all, the fact that you now want to reach out to the half sister to "move this along" tells me you really have not resolved the issues with your dad. You ONLY tell your kid "I don;t have a dad" - he is 3 and not that interested honestly, even if you think he is "gifted". Then you need to have a serious talk with your mom and a therapist. Your dad had an affair with your mom, wanted her just for sex and then it got complicated and he bailed. It sucks, but that story is as old as time. He probably told your mom a ton of lies and she bought them. Your mom is just as resposnbilbe for this as your dad.

I'm trying to avoid the projection. I'm not exactly unbiased and that's why I don't think I'm able to keep this out of the dysfunctional territory.

OP, this is a cop out and you are making this about you and your needs and not your kid's needs.

One of my kids is very gifted and was exceptionally precocious and aware of adult issues at a very young age.

Guess what? He was still a kid with kid emotions. Having that much older intellect did not make it easier to process more detailed information. It makes it harder, much harder.

If your child truly is "gifted", do NOT fall into the trap of giving him more information about sensitive adult matters than one would give to the average three year old. Just don't. A truly gifted three year old has a great imballance between emotional maturity and intellectual maturity, which makes it much more difficult for them to process these kinds of things.

It is very important that you do what is developmemtally appropriate and give him just the minimum possible (such as I don't have a dad, or my dad lives too far to visit).

More than that iz more likely to damage your kid.

Just because your three year old can do older kid puzzlss, write his name, decode a book, talks early and asks lots of probing questions does not mean his emotions are deveoped enough to handle a discussion more appropriate for an older kid or teen.

Save the "love child" discussion for much, much later, like when he is in high school and you are reinforcing the consequences of sex. Arpund then he will have a reference point to process the information in a positive way, and an age appropriate need for the information.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has a Dad, just may not have a relationship with them. You tell your child that you have a Dad, but he is not involved in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the answer "I don't have a dad." I think that is more confusing and has to be un-done down the line. I agree she doesn't need to get into the affair dynamics, but I'm a big fan of telling a child only accurate things, in the most age appropriate way. There's less unwinding to do later & confusion.

Because she does not have a dad. Clearly she does not.

She has a sperm donor, but no family connection to him.

[Anonymous]

"You are so lucky your Dad is with you, mine didn't want me and he abandoned me. That is why I am crying and unstable and telling you all about this, instead of telling a therapist and not making my 3 year old my emotional support. My needs are more important than yours and I will dump all my emotional baggage on you, so that you can be more messed up than me. You need to always be there for me, or I will blame you for being a bad child."

[Anonymous]

OMG. Just say "I have a father, but he and grandma weren't together and I didn't grow up with him."

This is not that hard. You can bury all the stuff about an affair, and a "love child" until much much later.

Also, your child is curious. There's no way to know if s/he is "gifted." All three year olds are curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]"You are so lucky your Dad is with you, mine didn't want me and he abandoned me. That is why I am crying and unstable and telling you all about this, instead of telling a therapist and not making my 3 year old my emotional support. My needs are more important than yours and I will dump all my emotional baggage on you, so that you can be more messed up than me. You need to always be there for me, or I will blame you for being a bad child."[/b]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

Don't avoid it. She asks you, you say, oh I didn't grow up with a Dad. Do you have a step Dad? Then he is your Dad. You truly sound nuts. Is she reading Narnia at 3? If she is then she is gifted. This is all about you. Do not let your child be your therapist.

NP: My DC did read Narnia at 3, but absolutely could not have comprehended the social and emotional complexities surrounding adult sexuality, social morals, infidelity, marriage vows, child abandonment, etc. that OP is considering dumping on this toddler. But the child can pick up on anger, anxiety, depression, stress, etc. and will learn quickly that this is a topic that pushes mommy's buttons, for better or worse.

Exactly this. Explaining cheating isn't exactly easy and I don't want to make it seem like a sore spot. It's similar to not bashing a cheating ex in front of your kids. This is probably much worse than that. That's why it's a topic that I want to be prepared for.

I don't think people really grasp that cheating can lead to generational issues and drama.

[Anonymous]

I'ce been estranged from my father for the past 25 years. At that age I just told my (also very smart) DD that my father isn't a nice person and that he's not in our lives. When she asks what he did I just tell her again that he's not nice and we can discuss it more when she's a grownup. She's happy with that, because I usually ouvit to the good people in our lives.

At that age they are into fairytales, which have a lot of bad or evil parents, so I don't think that your child is going to overthink it if you keep it simple.

[Anonymous]

*pivot not ouvit

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two bright children and a dad who isn't part of my life (his choice). I completely get feeling like you need to explain things, but your child may be seeking less answer than you feel like you need to give. I keep things simple: my kids know (and have asked) that my stepdad isn't my dad. Where is my dad then? He lives in another state, and he's decided to be by himself. Why? Because that's what he like. Then we make a list of all the people who are in their lives - grandma so and so, grandpa so and so, cousins, great grandma, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

Don't avoid it. She asks you, you say, oh I didn't grow up with a Dad. Do you have a step Dad? Then he is your Dad. You truly sound nuts. Is she reading Narnia at 3? If she is then she is gifted. This is all about you. Do not let your child be your therapist.

NP: My DC did read Narnia at 3, but absolutely could not have comprehended the social and emotional complexities surrounding adult sexuality, social morals, infidelity, marriage vows, child abandonment, etc. that OP is considering dumping on this toddler. But the child can pick up on anger, anxiety, depression, stress, etc. and will learn quickly that this is a topic that pushes mommy's buttons, for better or worse.

Exactly this. Explaining cheating isn't exactly easy and I don't want to make it seem like a sore spot. It's similar to not bashing a cheating ex in front of your kids. This is probably much worse than that. That's why it's a topic that I want to be prepared for.

I don't think people really grasp that cheating can lead to generational issues and drama.

Okay well just do what you want. You don't want to take anyone's advice to simplify this to "I don't have a dad" so just tell your 3 year old that you're illegitimate (he will know what this means, I presume, since he's so bright) and this technically means you have a dad but he's not in your life and you two can explore the psychology of this together after nap today.

[Anonymous]

Tell your child that "my Dad went away when I was very young and I don't know him." You can't get in trouble telling the truth.