Explaining to my three year old that I'm a love child

[Anonymous]

My mom had a relationship with a married man and got pregnant with me. After thirty years, I contacted him and we talked for awhile. After a bunch of promises to meet with me, he has found excuses not to. He alleged that his wife has dementia, so I stopped pressing and eventually caring.

Now my three-year old is asking about my dad. I don't have time for this dysfunctional nonsense. If your AP has a baby, what is the protocol? I'm really not interested in covering for a deadbeat?

To make it more interesting, her does have a daughter. I never contacted her, but maybe she could help move this forward?

[Anonymous]

"I don't have a dad."

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure you don't actually have to explain to your 3 year old that you're a love child. "I don't have a dad" is fine. There are plenty of family structures that aren't nuclear.

[Anonymous]

"I don't have a father."

That's all she needs to know now. She'll learn the truth when she's older, but as it's a grandfather rather than father role, I wouldn't worry too much. It's almost no different than if your father had died when you were young.

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

I'm sorry you are in this position. Personally, for a three year old I would stay very vague. I would not mention you are a "love" child because isn't every child? I would just say...yes I have a Dad and his name is Bob. Unfortunately, Grandpa Bob lives very far away from us and won't be able to visit us.

When she gets older you can decide whether or not to tell her. Basically, your DD wants to figure out family connections. Does she know your DH's father? Maybe that's why she is curious because you haven't talked about him. Keep it simple though.

Did you ever hear the story about the kid asking about where he is from and the mom launches into how babies were born. Turns out he just wanted to know if he was born in Philadelphia!

[Anonymous]

Have your mom explain it to him. She helped make the mess and she should be partially responsible for cleaning it up...

[Anonymous]

Plan for what you will tell her when she is older, but try to understand where her questions are coming from in a very young mind. There all kinds of families, and she is trying to piece together hers. Simple and matter of fact as other PPs have said.

Get some story books that show all kinds of families ("Every Baby Everywhere" is a nice board book that shows it without saying it), and when you see one that is just mom and child, say -- hey, that is like me and Grandma.

Save the absent father/infidelity/sex messes up lives even as it creates them part for when she is thinking about having sex as a teen, if you want to share that part of the story with her.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is 3, quit making this so involved. "I don't have a dad, some people don't!"

[Anonymous]

Don't be stupid. A three year old doesn't need an explanation.

[Anonymous]

You're projecting. Your daughter doesn't need much explanation right now. "I don't know / have never met / don't see my father," etc.

My children have never met any of their dad's relatives. My husband is estranged from them. We just say we don't see them.

[Anonymous]

Why? Are you insane? 3 year old? Are you starting to drink before the holidays? I recommend Prozac immediately so you don't mess up your kid now and later.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan for what you will tell her when she is older, but try to understand where her questions are coming from in a very young mind. There all kinds of families, and she is trying to piece together hers. Simple and matter of fact as other PPs have said.

Get some story books that show all kinds of families ("Every Baby Everywhere" is a nice board book that shows it without saying it), and when you see one that is just mom and child, say -- hey, that is like me and Grandma.

Save the absent father/infidelity/sex messes up lives even as it creates them part for when she is thinking about having sex as a teen, if you want to share that part of the story with her.

Perfect. Ordering the book today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

Don't avoid it. She asks you, you say, oh I didn't grow up with a Dad. Do you have a step Dad? Then he is your Dad. You truly sound nuts. Is she reading Narnia at 3? If she is then she is gifted. This is all about you. Do not let your child be your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Like many of you, I thought this was something that I could just skip around. That's obvious, right? However, DC is gifted just enough to detect my attempts to avoid the conversation. But, she is also very much the typical emotional three-year old.

So I think I need to develop a straightforward plan. Something that's clear and avoids the possibility of backtracking.

You truly think your 3 yo is "gifted" enough to sense there is more to the story and will push you for details of your origin and conception?