I just bagged up all of DS' toys...and I'm giving them away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know you, but from your op, I think his reaction, say, to the waffles was unwarranted. AND I'm sorry to say I think he's modeling after you.

You're flying into a frenzy about his behavior.

He's flying into a frenzy about waffles. When he could just politely ask for more syrup, 'please.'

Hey, I know he's 4. He's just learning. They don't always get it right the first time and need reminders. But, I think if you and his other parent remain as calm as you can, it would help the situation.

As for the toys, did you warn him if this?

I see it as rule-action-consequence. Rule & consequence should be known beforehand. Otherwise, you can't hof it against him. So where does taking toys fit in? Again, was this a known consequence.

Last, you need 5 rules. That's it. They can be broad, but maybe he's dealing with navigating unknown rules, or too many to keep track of.

I agree. A parent who sees a child saying "You're mean" as misbehavior is in a frenzy. The child is expressing his feelings about being disciplined, nothing more. It's not even misbehavior. You want a child this age to express his feelings.

I was the first pp here.
I just want to add a few more thoughts.

I want you to know I'm not judging or trying to jump down your throat. I've been there with my 4 (now 5yo) too. I've even been the bad 'model.' So that's how I know. And I see me in your story a little.

Our five rules at that age were as simple as: always wear underwear, no hurting others or yourself, respect each other's personal bubble, use kind words, and maybe something about cleaning up or taking care of our families things.

I have slowly gotten better. From shouting/huge reactions to explaining rule-action-consequence. "Our rule is respecting each other's bubble. You kept hugging (strangling) little brother even when he was crying. You will need to go be alone on your room for three minutes. Think about it and come say sorry." I don't get it right all the time. Neither does DH, but I've been 'training' him to work within this method.

I don't know if it's the greatest, but to me it goes better for everyone to stay calm and teach and talk than to start reacting and making quick decisions.

If you still think the toys is the avenue to go, you'll need to give fair, calm warning. "Ds, I've noticed you have been choosing wrong too often lately. How can we all choose better? How can I help you? Also, I now want you to know if you break the rules five times in a day, I will calmly choose five toys to give away." Mean it, and follow through. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

OP you need a load of therapy and parenting advice, STAT. Either your child has a developmental issue that needs a different parenting style; or you need major support to parent in a productive way. I agree with the PP who said to look to yourself: you child is probably modeling (and inherited) your tendency towards emotional dysregulation. You need to get a handle on this now, or you won't be able to parent your child effectively.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I just wanted to say that I'm on your side here. I always appreciate the posters who identify sleep and protein as important factors. They are and it's always best to set your kid up for success. However, in my view and for my kids, behavior expectations do not change just because a kid is feeling off their game. I also agree with you that the issues you describe are significant bad behavior for a 4 year old. I have a 4 year old who has been extra challenging this post-Thanksgiving week, and if she pushed a plate off the table to the floor, she would be in very serious trouble. My 2 year old knows better than to do that.

From that perspective, here's my advice. First and foremost, dial back the confrontation. My DD turned 4 in April. She was very difficult as a 3 yo and I lost my temper with her more times than I care to admit. She turned 4 and things improved somewhat, but I was disheartened that we still had a lot of issues. I had a frank talk with her preschool teacher, who suggested to me that natural consequences are best conveyed as part of an agreement to behave in a certain way, and a consequence if one party breaks that agreement. The way I was doing it was to *threaten* consequences in a way that put me and DD at a very adversarial point right off the bat. I reined in my own emotion and rhetoric and started speaking more quietly, stating things one time in a matter of fact way, and then removing myself from the situation or sending her up to her room for her to figure out what to do next. It has paid some dividends.

Also, more so than even picking battles, try to avoid battles. If you get the feeling you are in a power struggle, you are and you're losing. State what your expectations are, and what consequence will follow if expectations are not met. I find a short explanation of why my expectations are what they are can help. "Please eat your dinner so that you're not hungry later. Bath time is in 5 minutes, so if you're not done by then, I'm afraid you will be hungry later." Then that's it, no more talking. He's 4. He can figure it out.

Requests of you should be stated politely without shouting or whining. "I'm sorry, I did not understand that." Say that once, then stop talking until the request comes out properly. I respond to repeated requests once I've already said no with "I already gave you the answer."

These are the things I use to try to minimize my engagement. As for the toys, I don't know what I would do in your situation. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a break, letting things calm, going to your DS and saying, I'm sorry I lost my temper, let's both work on behavior, would you like to have your toys back and try again/start over? You could also take this opportunity to work together to cull them down prior to the holidays, on the assumption he will be getting a lot more stuff. You could also toss them. I've certainly bagged up and tossed toys of my daughter's when she hasn't cleaned them up or taken good care of them. She has way too much stuff and being spoiled certainly doesn't help her attitude and behavior.

Last thing: I note a couple posters say their kids are calm and don't behave like that. I very much believe my daughter gets her attitude from me. So take a look at yourself, your own personality, see if you recognize anything. I see a lot of myself in DD, not always in a good way. She has a temper like me, for example, and I think a lot about ways that I should be modeling behavior for her to help her be better than me. Good luck, OP. The holidays are always a tough time of year behavior-wise for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone told me once that when kids are the least lovable is when they need the most love. Please put aside your anger and love that little boy harder than ever. You are likely traumatizing him, which is going to make things worse. Prayers for you.

Agree with this. My mother was very erratic and an alcoholic and OPs behavior is the kind of thing she did. It took work for me to break the cycle as a parent. OP are you modeling parenting you received as a child? If so please follow the recs to take parenting classes or get therapy and understand why it's not effective or appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I am in the minority here but I think it is extremely appropriate to punish your child when they are miss behaving. To me it sounds like this is an ongoing issue and not just a one time or a one-week thing. Nine bags worth of toys is a lot of stuff. He might be overwhelmed and a lot of four-year-olds go through rough patches you are not alone. However, I would not throw all nine bags away maybe just 7 of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am in the minority here but I think it is extremely appropriate to punish your child when they are miss behaving. To me it sounds like this is an ongoing issue and not just a one time or a one-week thing. Nine bags worth of toys is a lot of stuff. He might be overwhelmed and a lot of four-year-olds go through rough patches you are not alone. However, I would not throw all nine bags away maybe just 7 of them.

nope, I believe that punishment can play a role in discipline. But OP is clearly majorly overreacting and is behaving impulsively. She needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am in the minority here but I think it is extremely appropriate to punish your child when they are miss behaving. To me it sounds like this is an ongoing issue and not just a one time or a one-week thing. Nine bags worth of toys is a lot of stuff. He might be overwhelmed and a lot of four-year-olds go through rough patches you are not alone. However, I would not throw all nine bags away maybe just 7 of them.

nope, I believe that punishment can play a role in discipline. But OP is clearly majorly overreacting and is behaving impulsively. She needs help.

as does her DH for loading the car.

Start with the parenting style and work from there. You're poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried Elf on A Shelf as a way to get your kid to behave? So he knows Santa's helper is always "watching"?

Just a thought since your parenting philosophies don't seem to be working. It's worth a try and your DS is a perfect age for it

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I don't think that kind of overreaction/ punishment is going to work at this age. You need consistent natural consequences. For the plate, I would just say that the consequence is he cleans it up and doesn't eat his food.

He is acting out for some reason. The reason is not because he has 9 bags of toys. Taking those away teaches him that when you are angry you punish other people. I'm not sure that this lesson is going to help him in his current state of mind.

You need to look at his overall diet, sleep, routine... what needs he might have that are not getting met (including needs for intellectual and social stimulation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am in the minority here but I think it is extremely appropriate to punish your child when they are miss behaving. To me it sounds like this is an ongoing issue and not just a one time or a one-week thing. Nine bags worth of toys is a lot of stuff. He might be overwhelmed and a lot of four-year-olds go through rough patches you are not alone. However, I would not throw all nine bags away maybe just 7 of them.

nope, I believe that punishment can play a role in discipline. But OP is clearly majorly overreacting and is behaving impulsively. She needs help.

as does her DH for loading the car.

Start with the parenting style and work from there. You're poor kid.

If DH dared to object you can be sure he'd be in for a world of screaming.

[Anonymous]

I read your post and a few thoughts passed through my mind. First of all, I'm sorry this has brought you to your breaking point but consider the fact that this could serve as a pivotal turning point for all of you. It can cause you to re-evaluate your approach to mothering. It's possible that another approach to disciplining him will bring more positive results to your child's behavior.

I personally have zero tolerance for any defiant behavior from a child. Children have a strong self will and need to learn to submit to authority whether they want to or not. This is best done at a young age; in fact the younger the better. The child needs to learn very early on there are negative consequences to negative behavior. That doesn't mean it has to be a spanking on the bare bottom every time, although that approach is extremely effective when done with consistency reserved for defiant behavior, but it can be something that will reinforce who is boss in the household. If the child is not used to an authority figue in his life and is given way to many choices without repercusion, then a parent is growing a monster without even realizing it.

[url]http://bit.ly/2d4yG4n

The attached link takes you to some amazing articles that I believe will give you some confidence in dealing with your son. Take a moment to read them over. I would love to discuss this more with you if you'd like. Sending you a blessing momma.

[Anonymous]

OP you have to realize WHY he's doing that. My 4 year old has days like that, and it's normally because:
1. She's tired - she had a busy day at preschool, didn't nap, and didn't sleep well the night before

2. She's hungry - being tired means she is far more picky and even foods she loves she apparently hates in the moment. We compromise, find something she will definitely eat to raise the blood sugar so we can stuff her full before she goes to bed


Once we solved the puzzle we can calm those tantrums pretty quick. We also don't let her hype us up. Sounds like you are letting your son egg you on. You're the parent. You need to calm the f down. Seriously. If you start letting your child amp you up now you are in for some serious trouble in a few years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am in the minority here but I think it is extremely appropriate to punish your child when they are miss behaving. To me it sounds like this is an ongoing issue and not just a one time or a one-week thing. Nine bags worth of toys is a lot of stuff. He might be overwhelmed and a lot of four-year-olds go through rough patches you are not alone. However, I would not throw all nine bags away maybe just 7 of them.

nope, I believe that punishment can play a role in discipline. But OP is clearly majorly overreacting and is behaving impulsively. She needs help.

as does her DH for loading the car.

Start with the parenting style and work from there. Your poor kid.

If DH dared to object you can be sure he'd be in for a world of screaming.

Well better the dad the kid. Someone should have acted like a calm, rational adult and not reinforce irrational, childish behavior of another adult.

OP, you and DH should read the Kazdin Method and go to a parenting class ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read your post and a few thoughts passed through my mind. First of all, I'm sorry this has brought you to your breaking point but consider the fact that this could serve as a pivotal turning point for all of you. It can cause you to re-evaluate your approach to mothering. It's possible that another approach to disciplining him will bring more positive results to your child's behavior.

I personally have zero tolerance for any defiant behavior from a child. Children have a strong self will and need to learn to submit to authority whether they want to or not. This is best done at a young age; in fact the younger the better. The child needs to learn very early on there are negative consequences to negative behavior. That doesn't mean it has to be a spanking on the bare bottom every time, although that approach is extremely effective when done with consistency reserved for defiant behavior, but it can be something that will reinforce who is boss in the household. If the child is not used to an authority figue in his life and is given way to many choices without repercusion, then a parent is growing a monster without even realizing it.

[url]http://bit.ly/2d4yG4n

The attached link takes you to some amazing articles that I believe will give you some confidence in dealing with your son. Take a moment to read them over. I would love to discuss this more with you if you'd like. Sending you a blessing momma.[/quote

Only related to this individual post but heads up - that link goes to some Focus on the Family crap. My mother parented me using Focus on the Family methodologies. I'm almost 40 and I still hate her for it. Her reactions to my behavior seemed irrational and severe even when I was a child. I never knew when I was going to be punished or to what degree of severity - as I got older it only got worse. So consider that when using these methodologies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9 large trash bags is a lot of toys--maybe too many. Consider cutting back and simplifying his life (and as a byproduct, yours). Good luck.

Try simplicity parenting, its a great book.