Reply to I just bagged up all of DS' toys...and I'm giving them away

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi OP. I just wanted to say that I'm on your side here. I always appreciate the posters who identify sleep and protein as important factors. They are and it's always best to set your kid up for success. However, in my view and for my kids, behavior expectations do not change just because a kid is feeling off their game. I also agree with you that the issues you describe are significant bad behavior for a 4 year old. I have a 4 year old who has been extra challenging this post-Thanksgiving week, and if she pushed a plate off the table to the floor, she would be in very serious trouble. My 2 year old knows better than to do that.

From that perspective, here's my advice. First and foremost, dial back the confrontation. My DD turned 4 in April. She was very difficult as a 3 yo and I lost my temper with her more times than I care to admit. She turned 4 and things improved somewhat, but I was disheartened that we still had a lot of issues. I had a frank talk with her preschool teacher, who suggested to me that natural consequences are best conveyed as part of an agreement to behave in a certain way, and a consequence if one party breaks that agreement. The way I was doing it was to *threaten* consequences in a way that put me and DD at a very adversarial point right off the bat. I reined in my own emotion and rhetoric and started speaking more quietly, stating things one time in a matter of fact way, and then removing myself from the situation or sending her up to her room for her to figure out what to do next. It has paid some dividends.

Also, more so than even picking battles, try to avoid battles. If you get the feeling you are in a power struggle, you are and you're losing. State what your expectations are, and what consequence will follow if expectations are not met. I find a short explanation of why my expectations are what they are can help. "Please eat your dinner so that you're not hungry later. Bath time is in 5 minutes, so if you're not done by then, I'm afraid you will be hungry later." Then that's it, no more talking. He's 4. He can figure it out.

Requests of you should be stated politely without shouting or whining. "I'm sorry, I did not understand that." Say that once, then stop talking until the request comes out properly. I respond to repeated requests once I've already said no with "I already gave you the answer."

These are the things I use to try to minimize my engagement. As for the toys, I don't know what I would do in your situation. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a break, letting things calm, going to your DS and saying, I'm sorry I lost my temper, let's both work on behavior, would you like to have your toys back and try again/start over? You could also take this opportunity to work together to cull them down prior to the holidays, on the assumption he will be getting a lot more stuff. You could also toss them. I've certainly bagged up and tossed toys of my daughter's when she hasn't cleaned them up or taken good care of them. She has way too much stuff and being spoiled certainly doesn't help her attitude and behavior.

Last thing: I note a couple posters say their kids are calm and don't behave like that. I very much believe my daughter gets her attitude from me. So take a look at yourself, your own personality, see if you recognize anything. I see a lot of myself in DD, not always in a good way. She has a temper like me, for example, and I think a lot about ways that I should be modeling behavior for her to help her be better than me. Good luck, OP. The holidays are always a tough time of year behavior-wise for us.[/quote]

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