Mother won't stop offering to take me shopping

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Mom would like to get the closeness back and remembers how much you enjoyed shopping. She's even offering to pay. She sounds great to me. She's not saying you look frumpy. She remembers being a new mom and can appreciate the time and money it takes. She's politely offering to help you out. Give her the pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is, of course, more to this story. My mom is very, very touchy. She likes to gossip. She uses events like this to pump me for personal information that she can then talk about ad nauseum for months. If I deflect for very long, she gets her feelings hurt. So, even an hour or two of one-on-one time is unpleasant, because she gets angry that I'm not telling her about my deepest hopes and fears, or my husband's problems, or gossiping about my in-laws, or saying catty things about people.

We spend most of our time together with my children, and I would like to keep it that way. We do occasionally have lunch together or something, but that's as much as I'm willing to do.

I suspect she knows as much, and keeps bringing up the shopping to eventually force me to either go or to say something that will hurt her feelings. I just want to make her drop it.

Over the years (I'm 44, she's 71), we have had plenty of conversations about why we aren't close. She doesn't agree with my version of things, or, I guess, feels that the past is the past (even if it was just last week), and we should act like we're Lorelai and Rory.

Me, is that you? Hang in there OP. Do what you need to do, and that will give her something to gossip and b!tch about to others, so you'll be a good daughter that way. She'll adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is, of course, more to this story. My mom is very, very touchy. She likes to gossip. She uses events like this to pump me for personal information that she can then talk about ad nauseum for months. If I deflect for very long, she gets her feelings hurt. So, even an hour or two of one-on-one time is unpleasant, because she gets angry that I'm not telling her about my deepest hopes and fears, or my husband's problems, or gossiping about my in-laws, or saying catty things about people.

We spend most of our time together with my children, and I would like to keep it that way. We do occasionally have lunch together or something, but that's as much as I'm willing to do.

I suspect she knows as much, and keeps bringing up the shopping to eventually force me to either go or to say something that will hurt her feelings. I just want to make her drop it.

Over the years (I'm 44, she's 71), we have had plenty of conversations about why we aren't close. She doesn't agree with my version of things, or, I guess, feels that the past is the past (even if it was just last week), and we should act like we're Lorelai and Rory.

So... You do know why she keeps offering to take you shopping and you aren't really interested in preserving the relationship with her. That's all well and good, but why pose your question and OP as if this was anywhere near a more typical or common mother/daughter relationship dynamic?

[Anonymous]

OP, get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Over the years ... we have had plenty of conversations about why we aren't close

This is really odd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

I agree, and eff you to others saying this is a real problem. It isn't. If you don't want to go shopping, tell her you'd prefer to shop on your own.

Hey, I"m sorry that your mom passed away. It is very sad. If you are a real person, I'm sorry it has scarred you so much that you can't look past your own tragedy for even a minute.

OP isn't saying this is earth shattering, but just looking for advice on how to manage a situation with her mom. The whole point of asking us is that she doesn't want to offend.

As for my advice to OP - I would be even more direct: Mom, I know you mean well, but this just wouldn't be fun for me now. Can we pick something else to do together? I don't have a lot of free time anymore and it would be fun to spend some of it with you.

[Anonymous]

I just reread the initial post.

My conclusion: there are some seriously challenged people responding, people who can't see past the end of their own noses.

OP was polite, not opposed to spending time with her mom, but simply asking for advice about the shopping question.

And then y'all went bananas. OP, run. Get your advice somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Over the years ... we have had plenty of conversations about why we aren't close

This is really odd

Stop having those conversations. She can have them with her own therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the initial post.

My conclusion: there are some seriously challenged people responding, people who can't see past the end of their own noses.

OP was polite, not opposed to spending time with her mom, but simply asking for advice about the shopping question.

And then y'all went bananas. OP, run. Get your advice somewhere else.

Read the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just reread the initial post.

My conclusion: there are some seriously challenged people responding, people who can't see past the end of their own noses.

OP was polite, not opposed to spending time with her mom, but simply asking for advice about the shopping question.

And then y'all went bananas. OP, run. Get your advice somewhere else.

Rubbish. I for one am glad to see there are reasonable folk out there.