Mother won't stop offering to take me shopping

[Anonymous]

My mother has been offering to take me shopping for new clothes since I weaned my last baby about 6 months ago. I have told her "no" repeatedly, even telling her that it isn't something I enjoy or want to do. I have not been hinting at all -- I've been very direct.

I know that this is her "subtle" way of saying that I look frumpy and my clothes don't fit. It's also one of the few things we used to enjoy doing together a decade or more ago.

I can think of very few things I want to do less than spend an entire day with my mother in dressing rooms. For one thing, I don't have much free time, and this is not the way I want to spend it. For another, my body has changed so much after four children that I need to figure out what fits all over again, and I don't need an audience for that process.

She is starting to get her feelings hurt. I'm starting to think that if I buy new clothes on my own, she going to take it as a personal slight. Do I have to do this to preserve our relationship?

[Anonymous]

I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

Oh you. Stop replying to posts venting about parents.

OP, maybe you can ask her to take you for a mani/pedicure. She wants to be "helpful" and spend time with you so figure out something that does that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you've been direct with the "no" but I'd go farther and explain what you said to us:

** that it will not be fun for you--and what would be MORE fun would be lunch with her (or insert an alternative here)

**and that you understand that you may look frumpy but you are ok with this; it's temporary

**but you don't want an audience when you DO go clothes shopping,

**and SAY you are worried that she will get her feelings hurt, because it was something you two did to bond in the past, but please know that it's not intended to be a slight.

**and THANK HER for her desire to be of help.

(and OP, you must substitute in another activity in this conversation, or she'll never stop)

The other thing you can do is the above, but also say, "Mom, I'll go with you in 6 months. Put May 24 on your calendar; and I don't want to talk about it until after then!"

[Anonymous]

How about schedule a day or two of shopping by yourself, and then have her over the following weekend to show her everything, and to help you figure out what to keep/what to donate of your old clothing?

You can even put a few items on hold/make a list of links to give her for your Christmas list, if she wants to buy you something.

And for the "my mom is dead" poster: I am sorry that your mom passed away. But that doesn't mean that those with us whose mothers are still with us don't have problems. We want to vent/troubleshoot/find ways of making our relationships with them better when a problem arises. That IS being an appreciative, good daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you've been direct with the "no" but I'd go farther and explain what you said to us:

** that it will not be fun for you--and what would be MORE fun would be lunch with her (or insert an alternative here)

**and that you understand that you may look frumpy but you are ok with this; it's temporary

**but you don't want an audience when you DO go clothes shopping,

**and SAY you are worried that she will get her feelings hurt, because it was something you two did to bond in the past, but please know that it's not intended to be a slight.

**and THANK HER for her desire to be of help.

(and OP, you must substitute in another activity in this conversation, or she'll never stop)

The other thing you can do is the above, but also say, "Mom, I'll go with you in 6 months. Put May 24 on your calendar; and I don't want to talk about it until after then!"

This. Excellent advice - especially the part about finding another activity to substitute. Pedicures? Spa day? Nice lunch and matinee out? etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

NP. I'm so sorry for your loss. But your post is an attempt to negate OPs feelings. She can love and appreciate her mother while still experiencing relationship challenges. Should someone post after you and say they watched their mother get brutally beaten and shot when they were 4-years-old? Would that make you feel better? No, of course not. I also had bad childhood experiences with parental loss, but I can have empathy for the situation of others. Please get some counseling and stop responding to people like this.

OP, can you tell your mother what you've told us, and then propose an alternative outing with her, like for nails and facial or something?

[Anonymous]

Just because you enjoy looking like a slob, just remember other people have to look at you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you enjoy looking like a slob, just remember other people have to look at you too.

nice response - you sound like a winner. My mother always wants to take me shopping too - not because I look like a slob but because I don't dress fun enough in her opinion. It all boils down to her still wanting to control me. I say no, I say no thanks, I'm good, I'm fine, I like my stuff, I'm all set - any and every phrase to get her off my back. Just stick your ground and know the issue is her not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

NP. I'm so sorry for your loss. But your post is an attempt to negate OPs feelings. She can love and appreciate her mother while still experiencing relationship challenges. Should someone post after you and say they watched their mother get brutally beaten and shot when they were 4-years-old? Would that make you feel better? No, of course not. I also had bad childhood experiences with parental loss, but I can have empathy for the situation of others. Please get some counseling and stop responding to people like this.

OP, can you tell your mother what you've told us, and then propose an alternative outing with her, like for nails and facial or something?

NP. This "situation" doesn't raise to the level of empathy It's ridiculously self-inflicted.

OP, grow a pair. You don't have to do what you don't have to do. Do you really need strangers on the internet to tell you so?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to spell it out for her, kindly. Explain how you have so many fond memories of shopping trips with her in your teens/twenties whatever, and she is so kind to want to take you again. You know you aren't looking particularly stylish and she probably wants to help you feel better about yourself with new others. You can explain that right now it's not on your priority list, and you feel self conscious and would really rather get the basics by yourself. But you'll love to have a special lunch, mani/pedi, golf outing or whatever. And maybe when you are more used to dressin g your new body maybe you can go shopping again for some fun accessories or something next year.

I am having a somewhat similar issue with my mom, except she just goes shopping without me and sends me clothes in a size that I haven't worn in 10 years. She is always talking about 'when I lose the baby weight' which is going to be never. I just don't care enough to diet and exercise as much as I did before kids but she can't seem to get into her head that I'm not going to be a size 6 again, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom die of cancer when I was 9 years old. What I wouldn't give for this "problem," OP.

I agree, and eff you to others saying this is a real problem. It isn't. If you don't want to go shopping, tell her you'd prefer to shop on your own.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just traveled to visit my mom for a weekend and she wanted to spend the entire two days shopping - and was annoyed with me when I said I wasn't really buying anything but happy to go with her. I don't know your mom, but I think for mine she just doesn't have that many hobbies, and I also think she had it in her head that it was a mother-daughter activity she wanted to do with me. Maybe that's what it is for yours and not a dig about your size?

[Anonymous]

She's trying to pick up an activity the two of you used to enjoy? Sounds like she's trying to get closer to you. You don't have to go shopping with her, but provide her with an alternative activity you can do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's trying to pick up an activity the two of you used to enjoy? Sounds like she's trying to get closer to you. You don't have to go shopping with her, but provide her with an alternative activity you can do together.

Exactly, and OP, you just sound insecure. She's trying.