Am I forever at fault no matter what I've done since then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's debasing about making amends and being a loving and trustworthy husband?

You do the crime, you do the time, right? And if this involves allowing the woman you supposedly love to take her time in healing from the damage you did her, it seems to me you're doing the opposite of debasing yourself. You're rising up to take the consequences, act with love and care, and stand by her for as long as it takes.

That does mean both sides have to keep working on it, though, talking with counselors and whatever it takes to get to a point where she can identify, on her side, whether he's killed things for her for good.

If he can't hack it, and feels like tossing her away like a toy he broke and now he can't play with, that's just who he is.

Why not take action in talking to her, finding out why she's still so unhappy, why she's still feeling cold towards you?

No not "as long as it takes" when an end date is not looking promising. It's been years. He doesn't owe her forever. If she doesn't it to work, it won't work. Eternal punishment is no way to conduct a marriage. Whoever does it is irrelevant but it sounds like someone needs to pull the plug.

[Anonymous]

Yes you messed up.

Big time.

And this is the ugly consequence for what happened.

However if after three years things still haven't progressed at all, then you have every right to leave if you do desire.

A marriage cannot survive without intimacy in the equation.
That would be impossible.

However once the respect has been tarnished, the intimacy usually falls to the ground soon afterward.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not you feel guilty for leaving is up to you, but don't hold your breath waiting for others to understand. People love to judge.
For what it's worth, just because you broke something doesn't mean you have to stay the rest of your life trying to fix it. If there has been no movement in three years, there's been no move it. You each may be happier without the other.

100% agree with all points on this post. You're a brave man, because the crazy women are about to come out of the woodwork to tell you that you deserve a life of hell. I'm a woman and I don't think you do. You fucked up. You tried to fix it. She clearly wants to hold it against you forever so at some point you have to decide if you want to live like this forever. I think a lot of women secretly enjoy having a cross to bear and being the victim and that may be the case here. I don't think anyone, even people who have royally fucked shit up, deserves to be punished their entire life. You deserve a good life. Go out and find it.

Umm no. I think the majority of people haven't said that. Most people are asking if the underlying issue that caused the affair has been resolved, have the therapist help him come up with how to approach the issue, that it takes time to rebuild trust, make sure he has the same view of what he has been doing to rebuild trust is what wife says she needs to trust again (sometimes what we think should be done is different than the other person's perspective), etc.

[Anonymous]

Op, yes you are scum

[Anonymous]

She's moved on from you emotionally. She's only staying for the kids. She dreams of another man-any man but you! If opportunity knocks, she's gone. But she's smart. She's waiting for the right time for her. Sucks to be you!

Kind regards,
Your DW

[Anonymous]

Do you really want to give up so soon? Because, yes, it hasn't been as long as you think.

Has your therapist really worked with you on the "why" behind your affair? Do you understand what motivated you to cheat and have you dealt with those issues? If not, it might be past time to get a new therapist with a fresh perspective, and to be sure you recommit yourself to therapy as a way to work on change rather than as a place to vent (if that's what it's become). Same applies to your wife -- she might need a different therapist if the current one is letting her stay stuck. But do be aware it's not all on the therapists. As others have noted here it's not unusual for it to take years for a couple to get even somewhat past an affair. Sounds as if maybe your wife felt more deeply betrayed than you realize and that's reason to be sure to keep doing couples therapy as well as individual therapy.

To be blunt the post give an impression of "I am contrite and have put in the work so when is the expiration date on her anger/ resentment/distance? How soon will This be forgotten?" I know that's not how you view it but it's quite possibly how your wife might see it--can you step back and objectively see that too? You ARE doing the work and that's good but you're getting frustrated. It sounds as if you don't know how she's feeling and she and you might need to try some more intensive therapy together with someone who will get both of you to be more open about where you are -- and are not -- right now. But there is no deadline by which she has to "come around" or after which you're OK to leave without guilt. You may break up in the end after all. But isn't it worth it to redouble the effort first?