Am I forever at fault no matter what I've done since then?

[Anonymous]

I cheated and lied about it and she found out. I ended the affair immediately, begged for forgiveness and have been, I believe, a loving and caring husband ever since as best as I can. Fast forward three years and there still is no warmth or intimacy from her, despite my efforts. We have been in counseling and both have our own therapists but there is very little movement and she seems completely uninterested in creating any.

I have almost gotten to the point where I can't keep going without any physical affection and very little emotional life between us. I feel very grateful that she didn't leave me as that would have been well within her rights, although hell on the kids, but is there ever a point that I can leave and not feel guilty? Or at least leave and have people understand? Or do I need to stick it out as long as she's willing to?

She's clearly not happy and I think probably would have left if not for the kids (both under 10), and says she wants a physical and emotional connection with someone, but is unwilling to try and get that from me. I suppose she could be having her own affair but I don't think so.

Anyway, I know I'm the original sinner and am not expecting sympathy, but just some perspective and insight. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not you feel guilty for leaving is up to you, but don't hold your breath waiting for others to understand. People love to judge.
For what it's worth, just because you broke something doesn't mean you have to stay the rest of your life trying to fix it. If there has been no movement in three years, there's been no move it. You each may be happier without the other.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you are asking. Whether you can leave? Yes, you can leave. Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken and no matter what you try to do to fix it, you just can't.

[Anonymous]

I know you said you have been loving and caring, but what have you done to address what caused you to cheat in the first place? What have you done to try to regain trust? What would she say if asked why she doesn't want to rebuild intimacy?

[Anonymous]

Poor pitiful cheater. Whst the hell do you expect?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have forgiven you. Some things are not forgivable and to me, this is one of them.

But I would have divorced you. After cutting holes in the crotch of every pair of pants you owned. #maturity

[Anonymous]

Cheated on spouse here. Couples therapist I spoke with said it takes 3-5 years, on average, for things to get back to "normal" after cheating. It's your prerogative, but if you care about having an intact family I'd stick it out a but longer. Also: therapy for you both.

[Anonymous]

Tell her exactly what you said in the first blurb. Lay it on the line. Ask if she is going to recommit because you have recommitted. Have a ceremony if that is what it takes for her to have "a new beginning". Ask her, and tell her you'd marry her all over again but that you need a commitment. Tell her you'd like to know. You'll get your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor pitiful cheater. Whst the hell do you expect?

Crust almighty, even as a married woman I have more compassion that you PP. What a worm you are.

[Anonymous]

OP, it can take this long, but it's also possible she's gotten stuck along the way. It's a good idea to check in regularly to see how things are going.

Maybe the two of you could meet with a counselor again and see if there's a way to break the ice.

It could be that, with time, it crystallized in her that she can't get over your betrayal, no matter how she tries, but she doesn't want to divorce and break up the family.

It could also be that she's testing you, to see if you can stick it out and be there no matter what. As someone who was cheated on and lied to, I've gone through some time of feeling I had to test him.

It could be that she's punishing you. A certain vengeful type will do that.

It could be that she's afraid to be vulnerable with you again, because of how much you hurt her. I deal with this issue. I was devastated at all the lies, and how good he was and is at lying. Everything he did and said, forever after, I couldn't trust. It's hard to feel intimate with someone you're always on guard with. You build a protective wall.

From your point of view, it sounds as if you have been doing the right things. Have you asked her if SHE feels you're doing the right things? Have you told her you miss her? Have you asked her if she's ready to be closer? Show your own vulnerability and sadness, if you feel it.

You ask if there is a point at which you can leave and not feel guilty. How could you not feel guilty? If you leave, you always have the guilt of knowing this chain of events happened because you broke your marriage and her trust, and probably her heart.

I think it's natural to want to move forward, but whether she can do so with you is beyond anyone's control. Talk to therapists, don't seek approval of anonymous strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have almost gotten to the point where I can't keep going without any physical affection and very little emotional life between us. I feel very grateful that she didn't leave me as that would have been well within her rights, although hell on the kids, but is there ever a point that I can leave and not feel guilty? Or at least leave and have people understand? Or do I need to stick it out as long as she's willing to?

So you want to leave but you want everyone to feel good about it when that happens? Sorry bud, that isn't the way it goes. Just leave with enough notice and while you're still on speaking terms. Sticking it out while you're miserable is how murder-suicides happen.

[Anonymous]

Well then divorce. She can't get over your discretion which is her prerogative but it doesn't mean you have to stay married and in this awful stasis pattern.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her. "It's been three years. Are you ever going to be able to forgive and love me again?" If she cannot, then the marriage is over. Regardless of fault, or reasons. Some marriages die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her. "It's been three years. Are you ever going to be able to forgive and love me again?" If she cannot, then the marriage is over. Regardless of fault, or reasons. Some marriages die.

Ah, no.

Talk with your therapist about how you can address this and ask her what she needs or wants from you. It could be she WON'T get over this. (You could try a parenting marriage in that case, and both find love outside the marriage bounds, and not have to divorce).

Have you figured out WHY you had an affair? Has that situation been fixed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not you feel guilty for leaving is up to you, but don't hold your breath waiting for others to understand. People love to judge.
For what it's worth, just because you broke something doesn't mean you have to stay the rest of your life trying to fix it. If there has been no movement in three years, there's been no move it. You each may be happier without the other.

100% agree with all points on this post. You're a brave man, because the crazy women are about to come out of the woodwork to tell you that you deserve a life of hell. I'm a woman and I don't think you do. You fucked up. You tried to fix it. She clearly wants to hold it against you forever so at some point you have to decide if you want to live like this forever. I think a lot of women secretly enjoy having a cross to bear and being the victim and that may be the case here. I don't think anyone, even people who have royally fucked shit up, deserves to be punished their entire life. You deserve a good life. Go out and find it.