DH makes me feel crazy

[Anonymous]

Your post worries me OP. Start keeping a journal and pay attention to patterns in behavior.

Also, I can't believe how many people are experiencing this!

[Anonymous]

I'm going to take the devil's advocate here.

This reminds me of the movie "The Others"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP, my husband does the exact same thing to me. My MIL is a psychiatrist and has told me I need to get out, and she is helping me. I know what you are going through, and it's really hard especially if you have kids. You want to stick it out for the kids, but you can't fix a mental disorder if they are not willing to get help. I am literally a shell of my former self from the mental games and abuse I have dealt with for the past 10 years (the first 5 years of our marriage was good, then he turned into a crazy person)

Your husband's mother told you you need to get out, and is helping you? His own mother? Did she say what his issue is, by any chance? This is the strangest thing ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is also emotionally abusive and used to lie and gaslight me. I started doing the same. This is totally not my nature, I could never lie... But it has really worked.. he seems a bit confused and hesitant and has got much nicer. It's also helped keep the peace, since I just don't bother to argue over things, I just tell him what he wants to hear.

Of course it's not a llife plan but for now I feel much saner.

I know! I started to give it back to him a little and he backs off a little. I also don't care what he thinks anymore and I am just going to live my own happy life. Divorce is for sure in the future, but I bought myself some time to pick up the pieces of myself.

The first step is to recognize what he does and says for what it is: a load of BS. I don't believe anything my DH says anymore, because I don't know what the truth is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the DCUM women thank you for allowing them to whip out their favorite relationship buzzword today.

Just because it's a buzzword, doesn't mean this isn't a PERFECT example of the phenomenon.

You seem to be very in to making this comment. Are you guilty of gaslighting yourself? You seem to enjoy minimizing emotional abuse...

You seem to wear the terms as badges of honor, which makes me doubt their authenticity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the DCUM women thank you for allowing them to whip out their favorite relationship buzzword today.

Just because it's a buzzword, doesn't mean this isn't a PERFECT example of the phenomenon.

You seem to be very in to making this comment. Are you guilty of gaslighting yourself? You seem to enjoy minimizing emotional abuse...

You seem to wear the terms as badges of honor, which makes me doubt their authenticity.

You are projecting. I was a victim of emotional abuse and gaslighting. It was horrible. It took a great deal of therapy to build myself back up again.

Just because someone calls a spade a spade, doesn't mean it's a "badge of honor." I would have much rather never have been in that situation but 19 year old me wasn't mature enough to see the red flags.

[Anonymous]

Is it still gaslighting if they don't do it with the intent to manipulate/confuse/abuse?

My DH does this all the time, and I've always attributed it to his total refuse to ever admit to being wrong about anything. So he'll just make something up so he can't possibly be 'wrong' or have made a mistake. Or done something he knew I wouldn't agree with intentionally, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone so sure it's gaslighting and not just a really poor memory?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone so sure it's gaslighting and not just a really poor memory?

Because it's much more en vogue to be a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone so sure it's gaslighting and not just a really poor memory?

Because it's much more en vogue to be a victim.

PP you are saying disgusting, vile things. You sound like an emotional abuser yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone so sure it's gaslighting and not just a really poor memory?

Because it's much more en vogue to be a victim.

Because someone with a really poor memory doesn't behave as if their (poor) memory of past events and conversations is infallible, and dismiss their partner's divergent memory as obviously false/crazy. Now OP hasn't specifically addressed this, but that is the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone so sure it's gaslighting and not just a really poor memory?

Because it's much more en vogue to be a victim.

Because someone with a really poor memory doesn't behave as if their (poor) memory of past events and conversations is infallible, and dismiss their partner's divergent memory as obviously false/crazy. Now OP hasn't specifically addressed this, but that is the difference.

Ok, but no one has answered 13:19, which seems like the middle ground? If it's not a long term, conscious strategy but rather a total lack of accountability? My DH is like this - it always feels like he just makes s*** up to make whatever issue go away, but it NEVER involves an admission of responsibility or, God forbid, an apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is also emotionally abusive and used to lie and gaslight me. I started doing the same. This is totally not my nature, I could never lie... But it has really worked.. he seems a bit confused and hesitant and has got much nicer. It's also helped keep the peace, since I just don't bother to argue over things, I just tell him what he wants to hear.

Of course it's not a llife plan but for now I feel much saner.

I know! I started to give it back to him a little and he backs off a little. I also don't care what he thinks anymore and I am just going to live my own happy life. Divorce is for sure in the future, but I bought myself some time to pick up the pieces of myself.

The first step is to recognize what he does and says for what it is: a load of BS. I don't believe anything my DH says anymore, because I don't know what the truth is.

NP. Me too. I tried for so long to have a normal, respectful, honest, intimate relationship. Turning their BS around on them is the only thing that makes an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the DCUM women thank you for allowing them to whip out their favorite relationship buzzword today.

LOL! Plus one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

My husband has tried and failed to do this to me, because I do have some semblance of memory left to me. However the times it got really bad, I kept a journal, so that I could go back and check exactly what had been said and done by who.

I highly encourage you to:
1. keep a journal.
2. stay very calm when you -
3. immediately call him out whenever he attempts to rewrite history.

Depending on what his reactions are when you call him out and whether this unwanted behavior decreases, you might want to seek joint counseling with a psychologist (not a therapist) to have him evaluated.
A lot of people have "magical thinking", and they can be hard to live with if they have it really badly.

If you need to do all this, your marriage is over. Op I'm going to be blunt with you, your husband doesn't respect you at all. You can do all what the pp
suggest but what will be the point. You dont have enough self confidence to tell your husband to not undermine your intelligence. Your husband is so manipulative, he probably showed signs way before you were married but you ignored it. Good luck with your marriage.