Why is dh drinking ALL the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse of 30 years was a high functioning alcoholic. That means he never missed a day of work, never drove drunk, never had a dui, never got sloppy drunk at parties or at home ... no problems. But he drank like a fish and his behavior was gradually corrosive and affected the family big time. He is now single. Here are a few pointers:

Vodka is the drink of choice for alcoholics. It is easily disguised in regular drinks (tea) and looks like ice water.

Some alcohol will be purchased openly and used openly while a secondary amount will be purchased for cash and hidden to befuddle you on the amount actually being drunk. This behavior happens early even before you start noticing and commenting on his drinking.

No reason is needed to drink. As pp said, it is not you, his job, the weather ... it is an internally driven drive that is likely genetic. You don't cause it and you can't cure it.

And angry and defensive response to a caring comment regarding his drinking is a huge sign. It is loving and normal for a spouse to show concern and someone without a drinking problem would recognize that and respond appropriately, even if they did not choose to change their behavior.

Drinking alone is a classic sign, but a lot of drinking is done right out in the open or in sneaky ways as you describe (vodka in the tea.)

Alcoholics tend to "tailgate" before social events. They have some before they go so that they can have the total amount they want at the event without appearing to be drinking more than others.

They will only stop drinking when THEY decide they want to do so. Sadly, that day usually never comes even when they have already lost their family and their health.

Their health seems pretty good for decades but damage is being done behind the scenes ... about age 60 their health tends to suddenly plummet off a cliff. Consider for yourself whether you want to be there to nurse them when that happens. It is not pretty. It is also hard emotionally to leave them when they are in that state ... it adds to your guilt. Not saying to leave ... but think about your situation carefully.

Good luck. BTDT

100% agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he is an alcoholic. That isn't your fault. Alcoholics don't need to be miserable and don't need a reason to drink excessively. If every alcoholic drank just because they were upset it would be a lot easier to cure. Alcoholics drink so much because they can't stop.

I think he's an alcoholic, too, but as someone in recovery I can say that only he can find the answer to the question of why. He's not going to quit until he decides that he wants to go in search of that answer and find ways to deal with it. Some can do that on their own but most need to get professional help. Either way, he has to see it as something that's hindering, not helping, his life.

For me, it was all the little moments of embarrassment when I realized in hindsight that my secret little helper wasn't the secret I thought it was. I'm grateful my DH didn't become a nag about it, but he started talking more often about how he knew I was drinking and he supported me 100% (without judgement) when I tried to stop on my own but failed. I agree with others that it's not your fault, but just know that shame drives secrecy and secrecy drives the alcoholism. He's got to be ready to lay things wide open and face himself and trust (while it still exists between you) is a necessary part of that.

[Anonymous]

How much is he drinking? 1-2 drinks a day is within the guidelines set by doctors. It's not alcoholism or abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy sh*t! I hope not! I do everything but pick him up and burp him!
He goes out when he wants, has guy weekends, drinks after work, regular sex.
I really have to look at my behavior. I just thought it was odd...

Enabling, it's a thing.

You should get a good therapist to help you talk through what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is he drinking? 1-2 drinks a day is within the guidelines set by doctors. It's not alcoholism or abuse.

Sorry, just saw the 4+ drinks a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He definitely has wine with dinner, but I think the reason I am noticing more is because he seems to think I dont know he is drinking the vodka. He is definitely hiding it.
I took a sip of his iced tea last night and almost choked. He took it, drank the whole thing down and sat down as if nothing happened.
I tried to act cool and asked him about it, he said he was in the mood for it and ended discussion.
If I ask too many questions he gets angry and defensive.

If he's hiding it, he has a problem. He does not have to be falling-down drunk to be a problem drinker.

The family history of alcoholism alone would be a red flag.

The hiding of alcohol in other drinks alone would be a red flag.

The anger and defensiveness about any questions alone would be a red flag.

You now have a whole forest of waving red flags here. It is time to intervene, OP. Please, please get yourself to Al-Anon (not Alcoholics Anonymous, which is for the alcoholic himself or herself, but Al-Anon, which is for family and friends of alcoholics). People at Al-Anon have been where you are as the spouse, and can help you work out how to intervene, how to approach him, how to protect yourself if he is not willing to recognize the problem and get help. Please do not wait to get started. You almost certainly can find an Al-Anon meeting in your area this weekend, even tonight.
Please update us here.

[Anonymous]

Is this a new behavior or a newly realized one on your side? Any big shake ups or frustrations in his life?

[Anonymous]

Did you ever think he is drinking to cover something up? Trying to escape from something? also, if you have kids this is setting a really bad example. You can ask him to slow it down. A drinker never likes to be told no but you could ask out of respect for you and your family that he pick two nights a week were he doesn't drink. He is going to be shocked how hard it will be after the pattern he has already set up of drinking every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse of 30 years was a high functioning alcoholic. That means he never missed a day of work, never drove drunk, never had a dui, never got sloppy drunk at parties or at home ... no problems. But he drank like a fish and his behavior was gradually corrosive and affected the family big time. He is now single. Here are a few pointers:

Vodka is the drink of choice for alcoholics. It is easily disguised in regular drinks (tea) and looks like ice water.

Some alcohol will be purchased openly and used openly while a secondary amount will be purchased for cash and hidden to befuddle you on the amount actually being drunk. This behavior happens early even before you start noticing and commenting on his drinking.

No reason is needed to drink. As pp said, it is not you, his job, the weather ... it is an internally driven drive that is likely genetic. You don't cause it and you can't cure it.

And angry and defensive response to a caring comment regarding his drinking is a huge sign. It is loving and normal for a spouse to show concern and someone without a drinking problem would recognize that and respond appropriately, even if they did not choose to change their behavior.

Drinking alone is a classic sign, but a lot of drinking is done right out in the open or in sneaky ways as you describe (vodka in the tea.)

Alcoholics tend to "tailgate" before social events. They have some before they go so that they can have the total amount they want at the event without appearing to be drinking more than others.

They will only stop drinking when THEY decide they want to do so. Sadly, that day usually never comes even when they have already lost their family and their health.

Their health seems pretty good for decades but damage is being done behind the scenes ... about age 60 their health tends to suddenly plummet off a cliff. Consider for yourself whether you want to be there to nurse them when that happens. It is not pretty. It is also hard emotionally to leave them when they are in that state ... it adds to your guilt. Not saying to leave ... but think about your situation carefully.

Good luck. BTDT

Dare I ask what happens/happened at age 60? Not the OP here, but I'm wondering if somebody quits at age 45, after years of abuse, and really turns their life around with exercise and healthy lifestyle habits, can any damage be reversed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse of 30 years was a high functioning alcoholic. That means he never missed a day of work, never drove drunk, never had a dui, never got sloppy drunk at parties or at home ... no problems. But he drank like a fish and his behavior was gradually corrosive and affected the family big time. He is now single. Here are a few pointers:

Vodka is the drink of choice for alcoholics. It is easily disguised in regular drinks (tea) and looks like ice water.

Some alcohol will be purchased openly and used openly while a secondary amount will be purchased for cash and hidden to befuddle you on the amount actually being drunk. This behavior happens early even before you start noticing and commenting on his drinking.

No reason is needed to drink. As pp said, it is not you, his job, the weather ... it is an internally driven drive that is likely genetic. You don't cause it and you can't cure it.

And angry and defensive response to a caring comment regarding his drinking is a huge sign. It is loving and normal for a spouse to show concern and someone without a drinking problem would recognize that and respond appropriately, even if they did not choose to change their behavior.

Drinking alone is a classic sign, but a lot of drinking is done right out in the open or in sneaky ways as you describe (vodka in the tea.)

Alcoholics tend to "tailgate" before social events. They have some before they go so that they can have the total amount they want at the event without appearing to be drinking more than others.

They will only stop drinking when THEY decide they want to do so. Sadly, that day usually never comes even when they have already lost their family and their health.

Their health seems pretty good for decades but damage is being done behind the scenes ... about age 60 their health tends to suddenly plummet off a cliff. Consider for yourself whether you want to be there to nurse them when that happens. It is not pretty. It is also hard emotionally to leave them when they are in that state ... it adds to your guilt. Not saying to leave ... but think about your situation carefully.

Good luck. BTDT

Dare I ask what happens/happened at age 60? Not the OP here, but I'm wondering if somebody quits at age 45, after years of abuse, and really turns their life around with exercise and healthy lifestyle habits, can any damage be reversed?

NP

Quitting definitely improves health, but not all damage is reversible. It damages your liver and that never goes away. Cirrhosis (which causes high blood pressure and artery disease and death) and hepatitis (which progresses to cirrhosis) caused by alcohol are not curable, except by transplant. It can cause heart failure and that may or may not go away. It increases the risk for stomach and esophageal cancers and those increased risks probably never go back to normal. It damages your brain -- some of that recovers and some doesn't. The part of your brain that controls executive function seems to recover, but the hippocampus (which has an effect on memory and spatial relations) doesn't seem to recover at all.

[Anonymous]

he drinks because he is thirsty, my friend.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband is like my dad in middle age.

The behavior intensified over time. He'd pass out in front of the tv almost every night. As a teenager I thought maybe it was just aging or a quirk -- but he was only in his late 40s when I was in high school and I later understood that his 2-3 highball glasses of Jack and Coke were putting him under.

The drinking increased over the years -- never to the point of drunken rages, but transforming his personality more subtly. He was more belligerent. He was a little paranoid and intolerant. He would get short-tempered if he had to wait more than 2 minutes between getting home and getting a drink.

Now in his 70s he has alcohol-related health problems and a pretty clear case of alcoholic dementia. He's high functioning by alcoholic standards but his brain is running on 2 cylinders.

And he was pretty much OP's husband back in the day.

[Anonymous]

OP here- you just described Dh's father exactly.

[Anonymous]

Although he was extremely belligerent.

[Anonymous]

Regarding health affects, alcohol damages every organ system in the body. Some effects are permanent, including liver scarring, kidney damage, nerve damage, and progressive heart failure. Other effects can diminish over time with incredibly healthy eating and abstinence (rare for alcoholics). The reason health effects dont appear until about age 60 is because the body has amazing overcapacity and redundancy. For example, we each have about 4x the kidney capacity we need, which is why you can donate a kidney and still be fine. But decades of high blood pressure (which drinking contributes to) and/or diabetes can chip away at this overcapacity. By the time problems become apparent, the damage is far greater and less reversible then if it had been caught 10 to 15 years earlier. Drinkers lie to their doctors too, so some important non-standard tests are not run early enough to detect early damage.