Sex with spouse (non explicit)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, we still have regular sex a couple times a week. However, we also have two little kids. That means rip your clothes off as soon as spouse walks through the door sex is a no go.

Sex is strictly a bedroom activity and only at night.

Plus, during the day my mind is always (at least a little bit) on the kids. The passionate all the time/anywhere type sex you describe is for the beginning of the relationship and romantic weekends away from home.

Hi wife! This is exactly what my wife would write. She's right, of course, from an intellectual standpoint. And we do have sex a couple times a month, so its not sexless.

But this is also what makes OP, me, totally long for affairs. Just. One. More. Chance. For. Rip. Your. Clothes. Off. Sex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But that's not what you said. You complained about things she likes, like dim lighting and massages. If you can't respect her preferences then she can probably sense your disdain. It's really you turning it into a monologue.

Mandatory massages, lights-out only, clothes-on, and no initiative by DW don't sound like problems to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.

This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.

huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.

My barometer of good sex isn't her doing what I suggest. I want her to take some initiative & show some creativity. I feel like I make all the effort to turn her on, and she makes no effort to reciprocate. My "ugh" comes from the feeling of a one-way street. It's like having an improv partner who used to respond and add to any premise you threw out but now, years later, either stands mute when you say something or tells you that your premise is stupid and asks you to read from a script that's a monologue. I used to have a partner, now I have an audience.

I'm the PP you originally responded to, and I very much like this analogy/metaphor.

Yes, the truth is: I'd almost really rather masturbate than have duty sex - duty sex is basically masturbation, and there's something pathetic about it. I'm pushing 50 so my libido isn't what it once was (ready to go for anyone, anytime), and i'm not interested in constantly begging/wheedling from someone who isn't interested.

[Anonymous]

DW here- this is why I have an AP. DH is no longer interested. I'm so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here- this is why I have an AP. DH is no longer interested. I'm so much happier.

This made me so sad for you, pp.

I am a DW too. No judgement. Sex is such a powerful and intimate bonding experience for married couple - to deny that to each other is to deny a basic need of another human being.

[Anonymous]

Sex isn't everything. I was married for 8 years, had three kids, and we always had passionate sex, usually about 4 times a week. Except for the six weeks after the babies were born, we never went a full week without sex. We were young though, got married in our 20s. We had a lot of problems because he was an alcoholic so we found alot over that and eventually divorced. Even when we were separated, we had to reset the clock at least once because we had passionate, on the floor, rip your clothes off sex. So sex is an important part of marriage but it's only one element. Appreciate what you have and work on it.

[Anonymous]

sorry typo-- fought a lot (not found a lot)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in this same bad place, except it's DW who feels that way. We never had fireworks, but the sex has gotten to near-non-existent (early June was the last time). DW was always on the "curvy" side and now, post-baby, has really never gotten off the pregnancy weight. I don't actually mind but she was already shy and self-conscious and now is super self-conscious to the point of not really wanting to have sex. DW wasn't as experienced or "skilled" but that never bothered me - mostly vanilla missionary is fine - but I am unhappy that my attempts to initiate are met more with sex-negativity than just declining - that smacks of avoidance.

This sounds familiar. On top of the stuff you describe, the room kept getting darker and darker when we had sex. There kept being more rules about when we could do it. Her shirt came off less and less. She needed a 20 minute massage before we could get on to sexier kinds of foreplay. Once we got going, she would generally do what I suggested, but took less and less initiative. Ugh.

huh, maybe if you took joy in what turns her on instead of saying "ugh" about it, you'd have a better sex life. and yuck, your barometer of good sex is that she "generally does what you suggested"? frankly you sound like a jerk and a bad lay.

Man you are one clueless woman. I have known a few women like you. Sex for you is...here I am, I am willing to let you try to please me. You on the other hand should be happy I am letting you try. Bet you wonder why you do not have long lasting relationships.

[Anonymous]

We still have a decent amount of sex but I don't think we ever rushed home from work to have sex. That's really specific. I usually have stuff to do after work - especially with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen, we still have regular sex a couple times a week. However, we also have two little kids. That means rip your clothes off as soon as spouse walks through the door sex is a no go.

Sex is strictly a bedroom activity and only at night.

Plus, during the day my mind is always (at least a little bit) on the kids. The passionate all the time/anywhere type sex you describe is for the beginning of the relationship and romantic weekends away from home.

Hi wife! This is exactly what my wife would write. She's right, of course, from an intellectual standpoint. And we do have sex a couple times a month, so its not sexless.

But this is also what makes OP, me, totally long for affairs. Just. One. More. Chance. For. Rip. Your. Clothes. Off. Sex!

Even then it isn't practical. The kids will still exist. If you have childcare for them, schedule a hotel visit. If not, have wild sex as soon as they go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex isn't everything. I was married for 8 years, had three kids, and we always had passionate sex, usually about 4 times a week. Except for the six weeks after the babies were born, we never went a full week without sex. We were young though, got married in our 20s. We had a lot of problems because he was an alcoholic so we found alot over that and eventually divorced. Even when we were separated, we had to reset the clock at least once because we had passionate, on the floor, rip your clothes off sex. So sex is an important part of marriage but it's only one element. Appreciate what you have and work on it.

The anger and resentment a couple (even if they have a good relationship) feels toward each other can fuel hot sex. But sex like that, without some amount of tender and really connected "making love" to balance it out, only goes so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well, with 3 kids (older kids so not as needy as toddlers/infants), we have really good regular sex (it was always really good and just got sooo much better as we've gotten older).

But usually once a week or so we have wild sex - either bc we had a some wine and fun (heavy foreplay) on the couch late at night or he or I was particularly horny after having gone out for date night. Sometimes we never make it upstairs to the bedroom

When DH travels (he is overseas every few months for a couple of weeks), I literally tear his clothes off (and he also unbelievably raring to go) the day he comes home and usually for a couple of days immediately upon his return.

So it seems odd that your DH doesn't feel this way.

I could have written this except we have 4 kids. We've been together 20 years too. OP I think your husband is the one who has settled for what he believes "married" sex is.

[Anonymous]

I never ever tore my dh's clothes off, I don't think. And I love sex. Just ... not ... like that ... with him ... uggg. The more I write the less I think I should be married to him. We are good parents together though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your question was do MOST married couples have sex such as you describe (rushing to have sex the minute you arrive home from work), and the answer is a resounding NO. Most couples married for more than 5 years are having very little sex (read this forum) and when they do its not the passion fueled hot sex you're talking about.

First of all, DCUM is not representative of most couples. Also, it's a relationship forum so people aren't coming on here to discuss how great their marriage is. I feel sorry for you if you think an anonymous online forum is representative of most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex isn't everything. I was married for 8 years, had three kids, and we always had passionate sex, usually about 4 times a week. Except for the six weeks after the babies were born, we never went a full week without sex. We were young though, got married in our 20s. We had a lot of problems because he was an alcoholic so we found alot over that and eventually divorced. Even when we were separated, we had to reset the clock at least once because we had passionate, on the floor, rip your clothes off sex. So sex is an important part of marriage but it's only one element. Appreciate what you have and work on it.

The anger and resentment a couple (even if they have a good relationship) feels toward each other can fuel hot sex. But sex like that, without some amount of tender and really connected "making love" to balance it out, only goes so far.

There was tenderness too. Always lots of passion but, yes, tenderness and romance too. It just wasn't enough to overcome the alcoholism and our immaturity at dealing with life's challenges, like finances.