Supporting my DD thru new school + friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she hasn't already, I would urge you daughter to pick a club or other extra-curricular activity or two to get involved in that Frenemy isn't part of. This would likely really help her to make new frlends without Frenemy around to intimidate her.

+1 Good idea.

But please don't phrase it to your DD as "Find an activity that doesn't have Frenemy in it" -- that would emphasize the whole issue too much. Don't mention Frenemy, and don't try to get DD into a club or activity just to be with Close Friend, either; just support DD in finding some extracurriculars that she enjoys -- the enjoyment is key. She can make friends who share interests with her, rather than friends who are friends just because they've known each other a long time. As kids get older they need friendships based on shared interests and experiences rather than friendships based on what I'd call proximity and familiarity.

If Close Friend has been a real and good friend before Frenemy came along, and before this school year, I'd help see that CF and DD get together. Yeah, DD needs to navigate it herself at school, but outside school, well, at 14 they can't drive themselves anywhere and might not think to ask the adults, "Hey, can she come over?" Maybe offer without overdoing it -- "Do you want to bring CF home with you on Friday after school and go to that movie..." etc. You're not running her world if you do that; you're just making a suggestion.

If DD is balky about doing things with CF now, that's fine; move on and support her activities but don't bring up CF too much. Let her take the lead on what she wants to discuss. Eventually she will, I hope, start talking about new kids she's meeting and will focus much less on CF or Frenemy. It will work out. I feel for her, and for you too, OP.

If CF's mom is asking how your DD is doing so far, maybe the mom has an inkling that things are cooling off between the girls. It was nice of her to ask about your DD.
-- From a mom of a 15-year-old DD

[Anonymous]

NP here. Just coming in to say that if you can afford it I would try doing stuff with your daughter to make sure she isn't getting picked on -- decent clothes, tune up to the hair, maybe a makeup makeover at the mall and make sure she has a clean up routine so she isn't breaking out. I know this sounds dumb and surface-y and frankly sexist but this sort of thing mattered a lot in my high school. In many cases it's easier to take a chance on making friends with someone when there are clique situations going on if they don't look like they will be ripe to get picked on (because if you make friends with a target, you become a target, too). I'm not saying that's what's going on with your daughter, just trying to cover the bases. Besides which, anything that helps with self-confidence at this point could be a good thing.

I might consider reaching out to one of her teachers at school, also, letting them know she is having a hard time finding her social footing so far and asking whether they had any advice or recommendations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Just coming in to say that if you can afford it I would try doing stuff with your daughter to make sure she isn't getting picked on -- decent clothes, tune up to the hair, maybe a makeup makeover at the mall and make sure she has a clean up routine so she isn't breaking out. I know this sounds dumb and surface-y and frankly sexist but this sort of thing mattered a lot in my high school. In many cases it's easier to take a chance on making friends with someone when there are clique situations going on if they don't look like they will be ripe to get picked on (because if you make friends with a target, you become a target, too). I'm not saying that's what's going on with your daughter, just trying to cover the bases. Besides which, anything that helps with self-confidence at this point could be a good thing.

I might consider reaching out to one of her teachers at school, also, letting them know she is having a hard time finding her social footing so far and asking whether they had any advice or recommendations.

You and I are on the same page. I was raised by hippies and never had the right clothes till college . My DD is very girly and blonde and into fashion, and so she has the style piece down. She has the right clothes, cute hair, decent skin and goes to dermatologist. Sometimes I think the fact that she is cute and stylish work against her, since she is quiet she can come off like a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Wish I had better news, but still I'm hopeful she will find her way. Every day she goes in looking for someone who might be a friend. She's still upset about being dumped by CF but I think she's moving on.

Three weeks in and its still a slog for DD. She says she is trying but she feels the groups are locked in and no one will talk to her outside class. She does a sport, but the team also seems cliquy at this stage. She has the right clothes and is normal weight and attractive (not bragging here, just sharing that she looks like a mainstream teen).

So, she's signing up for outside activities, trying to take the focus away from school. Thanks to everyone for sharing your advice about how to support her transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had better news, but still I'm hopeful she will find her way. Every day she goes in looking for someone who might be a friend. She's still upset about being dumped by CF but I think she's moving on.

Three weeks in and its still a slog for DD. She says she is trying but she feels the groups are locked in and no one will talk to her outside class. She does a sport, but the team also seems cliquy at this stage. She has the right clothes and is normal weight and attractive (not bragging here, just sharing that she looks like a mainstream teen).

So, she's signing up for outside activities, trying to take the focus away from school. Thanks to everyone for sharing your advice about how to support her transition.

Is it a small school? If so, it's going to take longer than 3 weeks. I am sure to both of you it seems like an eternity but try and not get discouraged.

[Anonymous]

It is- she keep saying that the friendship groups are set, even the new kids have friends except for her, and no one is open. I know that's not entirely true and that over time she will meet some friends. I really wish she had at least one person who she thought was getting to be a friend at this point...

[Anonymous]

Move to a bigger school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to a bigger school.

Yes, this is what we'll do if things don't get better by the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw my asvice is:

- strongly encourage dd to pick an afterschool activity where she can meet some new girls in a smaller setting - a writing club, intramural basketball, etc.
- is there anyone else at the new school besides frenemy and former bf who your dd knows - maybe she can ask that individual to come over or go to the mall or whatever one weekend- one on one is always easier
- can dd connect with friends from her former school on the weekends? it may help her from feeling isolated

hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is- she keep saying that the friendship groups are set, even the new kids have friends except for her, and no one is open. I know that's not entirely true and that over time she will meet some friends. I really wish she had at least one person who she thought was getting to be a friend at this point...

As kids get older, they have to reset their expectations on friendships. When younger, it would only take a day if that to make friends but when kids get older, it takes more time. It's ok that your DD is sad right now even if it is tough to watch. Time and repeated effort is likely what it will take.

Encourage her to pick up an activity outside of school in the meantime. It helps to have something to focus efforts on during the weekends and evenings and if nothing else it gives her something to talk about at school. it's better than having to tell kids "I don't do anything. I just sit at home"

[Anonymous]

This i OP and I appreciate the good advice. She is joining some clubs after school and she plays a sport. We're looking into other things for her to do outside school (she is making a list to research). There are a few other girls from her old school to whom she is neutral - they are into music and dance which is not her thing - but I like the idea of inviting one over just to make a connection.

I have told her at this stage in life you need to become comfortable with getting to know people and not giving up if they aren't into everything you are. It's someone to talk to and who can help you meet other people. This is a tough lesson.

I really appreciate the support from the sidelines. I know I can't fix this, she's going to have to work it through.

[Anonymous]

Can she also join a club team for her sport or do it on the outside somehow?

[Anonymous]

OP, any updates on how DD is doing? I hope things are getting better!

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the interest. I wish I could say its going great, but its just...OK. She's joining other teams/activities outside of school. She talks to more kids but hasn't found her group. Her old friends are at least talking to her, but no reconciliation.

Planing to reapply to other schools for next year in case this was just a bad fit (which it appears to be).

Thanks to everyone who posted and provided ideas and encouragement- you were a godsend!

[Anonymous]

OP
Is this a private, small high school or public school? DD will need to understand that moving onto another school may be even harder because friendships can be set there,too, and based on shared experiences. If going to another similar setting, DD will also have to answer questions on why she transferred.

How about suggesting an activity that she and one or two
old friends might get together to try - Michael's has free, one shot craft classes so maybe se if any might be of interest? Or a one-session cooking class if available. An outing into the City for a sporting or concert event or even lunch and just shopping in an area here you would provide transportation.

Is there a youth group at church she could become active in? Looking ahead to summer is not too distant to maybe see if there is a volunteer program or other particular summer activity DD might research over Christms break to apply to such as perhaps over night camp, summer programs in one two areas of interest to explore or to develop skills such as sports, art, writing, language, cooking etc. At least it would give her something to work on for herself to give her forward direction fior the summer. High school sucks some times.