Supporting my DD thru new school + friendships

[Anonymous]

My DD just started a new school with a girl who she grew up with (Close friend), and a Frenemy. Frenemy knows kids at the school, and is coming in as a queen bee. Close frend and Frenemy are acting like besties; Close friend isn't exactly ignoring my DD, but isn't acting like a good friend, either. Frenemy is ignoring DD.

DD feels a bit betrayed by Close friend and wants no drama with Frenemy. She's slowly getting to know other kids but feels like she has no chance with Frenemy's new crowd. She was looking forward to a new school and its tough to see her so down.

I don't want to helicopter and call the Close friend's mom; I know this is part of life and she'll need to navigate it herself. Just looking for some advice and commiseration. I'm also dealing with ailing parents right now, so its hard to find the reserves to support DD.

Thanks for any support or encouragement you can offer.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD?

Sounds like she's handling the situation well.

Sometimes as we get older, kids we grew up with stop being our best friends. Our interests diverge. She should keep doing what she's doing - looking for a good peer group for herself.

There's always having her get together with Close Friend out of school, though if Close Friend is hanging out with Frenemy by choice, I wonder if Close Friend really has potential to stay a close friend. You and she might be better served by having her get together and do things with her new friends.

[Anonymous]

DD is 14.

Thanks 11:50 for the helpful perspective. She spent a lot of time this summer with Close friend and 2 other good friends, so the abrupt turnaround has been hard to deal with. A lot of girls at that age go chasing popularity; i think that's up in this case.

Hopefully she will make some connections and new friends in the weeks to come.

[Anonymous]

She needs to ignore the Former Close Friend and Frenemy. Pretend she doesn't even know them from before. I'm sure there are lots of other nice kids for her to make friends with besides whoever they're friends with.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 12:08, I told her she should focus on herself and on whi she wants to get to know. Treat everyone with respect. After the first rush of excitement, things will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Close friend's mom reachied out to ask how DD's first week went. Just said something neutral. It was hard not to jump in and let her know what;s been happening, but I figured that would just make everything worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Close friend's mom reachied out to ask how DD's first week went. Just said something neutral. It was hard not to jump in and let her know what;s been happening, but I figured that would just make everything worse.

My main worry about you saying something to Close Friend's mom is that CF's mom might say something to CF (even something mild like "I heard you didn't spend much time with Larla this week, is there anything going on?", and then CF, trying to ingratiate herself with Frenemy, might say something that your DD would find embarrassing.

Now might be the time to be super flexible about picking up school friends to take your DD and her friends to the mall, movies, etc.

Your DD's doing great. You're doing great.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. It's just so tough to see her so down. And Close friend's mom, Who is a friend, and a very kind person herself, makes a huge deal about being a good friend, being a kind person, so it's somewhat galling that her kid is acting this way. But it's not my problem, right? I need to focus on helping my own daughter make her way, by staying out of her business mostly…

I appreciate the support, it really helps!

[Anonymous]

It is so hard but you have to let her handle this. It is part of life and part of growing up, not everyone is going to behave how they should and how you want them to but you need to have resolve. But I sympathize. It is hard when you feel you could help fix for your kid-resist the urge.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say thanks again. I'm resisting the urge and using that as my mantra. She's going to get through it and it will be so much easier if I stay out.

Thank you sincerely to all for the support.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation here, though not at a new school. I knew that friendships tend to shake up at this age, but it's painful as a parent to see it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation here, though not at a new school. I knew that friendships tend to shake up at this age, but it's painful as a parent to see it happen.

+1
Going through something almost identical with my own daughter, a 7th grader. I'm hoping for a nice, new group of friends to materialize!

[Anonymous]

Look I got raked over the coals as a helicopter mom on another for asking whether the citizenry of DCUM thought I should tell a mom that her kid was mean to a guest at my kid's birthday party. I still am not sure that keeping mum is the right thing to do, but I really hadn't considered giving a friend a heads up about her kid's poor behavior helicoptering -- that thread gave me a lot to think about. So I take from my experience that you should let this work out on its own.

[Anonymous]

If she hasn't already, I would urge you daughter to pick a club or other extra-curricular activity or two to get involved in that Frenemy isn't part of. This would likely really help her to make new frlends without Frenemy around to intimidate her.

[Anonymous]

I know there will be ups and downs. My DD just called me very upset because now her former friends are no longer being sort of nice and are openly ignoring her. She went in with high hopes today, and its so hard to tell her to keep smiling through all this. I'm just crushed for her.