DH is a lying cheating liar who lies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've decided not to confront my DH until after I meet with a lawyer next week but I just can't keep the news in: My husband of 18 months and the father of our 8 month old daughter has been cheating on me since at least May! What is wrong with him?! Who does this?!

Last week DH told me he wanted a divorce, and implied that I wasn't a supportive wife. I begged, pleaded, and generally humiliated myself in trying to get him to change his mind. He wouldn't budge. I asked point blank if he was cheating and he said no. In fact, he proclaimed that he was offended that I would even ask such a question. A few days later he announced how unfair it was that he had to wait an entire year for a divorce. Still I suspected nothing. In fact I defended him when my mom suggested that he wanted a divorce faster because there was another woman. She said "I'd bet if you looked in his email you would see there's another woman." Just to prove her wrong, I checked out his gmail (he never logs out) and literally the first email was from some woman about their upcoming romantic getaway! I'm blown away, but at least it all makes sense now.

Any general advice from those who have found themselves in similar situations? I know adultery is hard to prove in VA but it might be worth the effort/cost to avoid having to pay spousal support.

I have experience in proving this kind of thing in VA, though it really is almost pointless unless you would have to provide him spousal support.

In order to prove adultery, you need what is called, "clear and convincing," evidence of his cheating. This is below beyond a reasonable doubt, but the email you have is INSUFFICIENT. You will need to have a private investigator witness and photograph him in a romantic situation with his new partner. They will need to be holding hands, kissing, etc. Then the investigator needs to witness opportunity for them to have sex. This means witnessing them go into a home together and be alone for sufficient time to believe sex is likely. Expect this to cost somewhere around $2,500 to $5,000! What do you get for it? Almost nothing. You can file a fault divorce, which eliminates the 1-year waiting time, and maybe gets you a tiny bit in compensation. The BIGGEST THING YOU GET is to subtract any funds he spent on her (getaways, gifts, etc.) from marital assets for the calculating of assets to be split. In other words, if he spent $10,000 on her, you can claim $10,000 in assets. You could also use the proof as blackmail to get him to agree to terms he otherwise would not.

Now the FUN part. If you are into revenge, you can use the proof of adultery to your advantage! You can actually depose him and his new girlfriend and force them to testify. Because adultery is a crime in Virginia, he can plead the 5th amendment against self-incrimination, but her situation is a bit more questionable. It may be interpreted as crime only for him, not her, in this adulterous relationship. She may be compelled to testify. This can be used as a way to get him to sign off on things he would not otherwise. After all, it will be humiliating for her to go through this process.

In any case, expect the whole process related to adultery to cost $2,500 to $10,000 and the entire divorce to cost $50,000+

OMG, I love this.

I'm a the high wage earner (female) and it would be worth the money in my case if it came to it. I'd go for about absolute blood bath if I were in the OPs shoes.

I really doubt that it's financially worth it though in OP's case. It is unlikely that much temporary spousal support would be ordered, and virtually impossible for alimony to be granted post-divorce for any extended period.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP. I'm just sorry you're going through this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've decided not to confront my DH until after I meet with a lawyer next week but I just can't keep the news in: My husband of 18 months and the father of our 8 month old daughter has been cheating on me since at least May! What is wrong with him?! Who does this?!

Last week DH told me he wanted a divorce, and implied that I wasn't a supportive wife. I begged, pleaded, and generally humiliated myself in trying to get him to change his mind. He wouldn't budge. I asked point blank if he was cheating and he said no. In fact, he proclaimed that he was offended that I would even ask such a question. A few days later he announced how unfair it was that he had to wait an entire year for a divorce. Still I suspected nothing. In fact I defended him when my mom suggested that he wanted a divorce faster because there was another woman. She said "I'd bet if you looked in his email you would see there's another woman." Just to prove her wrong, I checked out his gmail (he never logs out) and literally the first email was from some woman about their upcoming romantic getaway! I'm blown away, but at least it all makes sense now.

Any general advice from those who have found themselves in similar situations? I know adultery is hard to prove in VA but it might be worth the effort/cost to avoid having to pay spousal support.

I'm so sorry your family is going thru this, I can't imagine how you must e feeling. I'm glad you can count with your mom's support. It is sad to all parts involved, I'll be praying for everyone's emotional being.

[Anonymous]

I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

What??? That's so unfair not the Op but I am falling off my chair reading this, you didn't manage to find one proper lawyer that would file the adultery charge?

[Anonymous]

Did you talk to the lawyer, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've decided not to confront my DH until after I meet with a lawyer next week but I just can't keep the news in: My husband of 18 months and the father of our 8 month old daughter has been cheating on me since at least May! What is wrong with him?! Who does this?!

Last week DH told me he wanted a divorce, and implied that I wasn't a supportive wife. I begged, pleaded, and generally humiliated myself in trying to get him to change his mind. He wouldn't budge. I asked point blank if he was cheating and he said no. In fact, he proclaimed that he was offended that I would even ask such a question. A few days later he announced how unfair it was that he had to wait an entire year for a divorce. Still I suspected nothing. In fact I defended him when my mom suggested that he wanted a divorce faster because there was another woman. She said "I'd bet if you looked in his email you would see there's another woman." Just to prove her wrong, I checked out his gmail (he never logs out) and literally the first email was from some woman about their upcoming romantic getaway! I'm blown away, but at least it all makes sense now.

Any general advice from those who have found themselves in similar situations? I know adultery is hard to prove in VA but it might be worth the effort/cost to avoid having to pay spousal support.

Sorry that I don't have anything but a question, you might have to pay HIM spousal support?

Are you that stupid really?

[Anonymous]

Document everything. It won't make any difference in the amount of child support, but it will matter when it comes to spousal support. If you have enough on him and his activities, you can use it as leverage to just go with an uncontested no fault divorce with a nice settlement that protects you and your child. Work with a lawyer, obviously.

Sorry you are going through this ... believe me, I know how much it sucks. I know it doesn't help much right now, but you are so much better off finding out he is a douche now than after more of your life is wasted. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

What??? That's so unfair not the Op but I am falling off my chair reading this, you didn't manage to find one proper lawyer that would file the adultery charge?

Very typical of how the legal system treats women. We are not protected under the law, even when there are laws on the books. We are not allowed to make choices about how we want to pursue our legal options. We are discouraged from using the legal system on our own behalf. The mostly male legal profession refuses to use the system on our behalf. This extends to many other things in addition to failing to use the law on behalf of women in divorce. Refusal to prosecute and sentence date rape appropriately. Refusal to expend system resources on processing rape kits so crimes can be solved. Refusal prosecute domestic violence even when clear physical evidence exists, etc. Even today, women need to continue pressing for equal access to and treatment within the legal system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

What??? That's so unfair not the Op but I am falling off my chair reading this, you didn't manage to find one proper lawyer that would file the adultery charge?

Very typical of how the legal system treats women. We are not protected under the law, even when there are laws on the books. We are not allowed to make choices about how we want to pursue our legal options. We are discouraged from using the legal system on our own behalf. The mostly male legal profession refuses to use the system on our behalf. This extends to many other things in addition to failing to use the law on behalf of women in divorce. Refusal to prosecute and sentence date rape appropriately. Refusal to expend system resources on processing rape kits so crimes can be solved. Refusal prosecute domestic violence even when clear physical evidence exists, etc. Even today, women need to continue pressing for equal access to and treatment within the legal system.

Mostly male legal profession? Get a female lawyer. There are plenty of them and they are all looking for jobs, since in your world they're all probably unemployed victims by virtue of their sex. But no, seriously, go out and DO something instead of complaining and cajoling men to treat you better. Feminism is so often denigrated because you do nothing except complain and whine about how much others aren't doing for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Print all those emails out IMMEDIATELY.

Try to delete the fact you printed them.

Try, try, try- AFTER YOU HAVE PRINTED THE EMAILS, SO HE DOESNT WISE UP- to get access to his phone and print the texts that are in there.

If the phone bill is in both your names you could call them and ask for a transcript of numbers he has texted (though they won't tell you the texts, usually)

Get every shred of evidence lined up, cause it's gonna be IMPORTANT later on. [/quote
Emao them to yourself and erase send and trash. No need to be printing out reams of papers.

[Anonymous]

OP don't have sex with him again as that is condoning the cheating.

I was told that adultery makes no difference in property settlement but I did threaten to have OW testify if he didn't give me what I wanted. She was also married.

Ask a lawyer about whether his adultery impacts possible spousal support; don't take advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

What??? That's so unfair not the Op but I am falling off my chair reading this, you didn't manage to find one proper lawyer that would file the adultery charge?

I can understand not taking contested cases and not litigating the adultery issue. Most clients don't have the money to fully litigate the issue and a lawyer isn't going to work for free. Also, it's generally not in the client's best interest to spend more money litigating an issue than the financial benefit a client would derive from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Print the emails. Print the phone records. Print the financial documents. Print everything that you can.

+1 Lawyer, Therapist, Childcare, Friends, Family advice.

Hugs and better to know now than later.

Yes, print it all and store copies outside your home--leave them at a close friend's house or with a family member. Someone you trust. Just in case he tries to erase emails, texts etc. Assume he might try to destroy evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in VA and my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. It was an outrageous, over-the-top affair that I used to think I should have written a book about, but it all sounds too far-fetched for it to really have happened...

I had proof of everything. And, I was hurt and pissed. The divorce lawyer would not file adultery charges. It was a large firm, and they will not take contested cases. Apparently, judges don't like it and they are not willing to get on a judges bad side. I found that to be a common theme among the divorce lawyers I interviewed.

How was it over the top? Keep the proof maybe it will help down the road.