Why do men allow themselves to be jerked around?

[Anonymous]

Give him this book. Either he'll read it and learn or he won't.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472233057&sr=8-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don't understand why you are so invested in this relationship. It is not appropriate, and it would be inappropriate even if you were his sister.

You are expecting:

- she will drive 4 hours late at night to hand-hold him in the hospital
- she will leave her child to do this

Those are not reasonable expectations, particularly as, if you flip the situation around, your "friend" has a very involved "friend" who lives close by and can hand-hold in late night emergencies.

I think something else is going on here.

Sorry there is no sorted story behind this. I have know him for >5yrs and seen him go through some rough stuff concerning women and no he isn't exactly a brain surgeon when it comes to women. He has flown across country for her and spent money he didn't have to do this. He has done so much for her I don't think putting your child in good hands to go be with the man you are talking about getting engaged to is to much to ask. Him and his son could soon be her immediate family soon. Go see what you can do for them, how about some sacrifice on her part.

You don't know her, OP. It's not your business. It is completely inappropriate for you to micromanage his romantic life, regardless of his ability to manage his own. You admit you've never met this woman, so you have no idea what sacrifices she makes or what kind of commitment she actually wants from him. Your vehemence on this subject is inappropriate. Learn how to establish healthy boundaries.

You missed the part where I said I was venting and writing on DCUM is as much meddling as I am ever intending to do. It is completely so not my business. I am completely supportive to him about this relationship if this is what he wants then I am happy for him. I guess I am feeling like I see a friend walking over a cliff while he is looking the other way and there is no way for me to warn him "watch out for that cliff"

Nah, you're not completely supportive of him about this relationship. You think she's jerking him around and just described their relationship as "walking over a cliff." I don't think you're supportive at all.

To his face I am 110% supportive. I will in no way ever undermine this situation cause he is a grown man and can make his own decisions be they good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ranting cause I am so mad. Have male friend with son that is dating girl that lives 4 hours away with a child. They met online and he goes back and forth every other weekend to visit her. 4 hours up and 4 hours back. He had a really bad week with his son being sick him having to have serious dental work done and having to give up vacation out west due to hospitalization. 10:30 at night I get call to come up an hour away to be with him and son at hospital ER while he is worked up. I have had to my eye appointments for him when he had some sort of goop falling out of his eyes and this is after spending a weekend with her(who by the way is trying to get into nursing school). She couldn't even figure out to get him to an Urgent Care while he was there. Now I am making follow up appointments for son. She doesn't work, she isn't in school...where is this cow? Why isn't she down here tending to a man she claims to love. Am I wrong but isn't that what you do for the people you love? You come and help them in a time of crisis? She comes down to visit only when things are just perfect, she strings him along by saying "I love you" and things like that but she doesn't show up when needed. I am starting to get pissed at him for being so gullible. She is walking up on 40, has a child , no career skills, and just now trying to get into nursing school and can't pass the damn math test to get in. He is willing to have her come and live in his home and get through school and support her and she can't show up during a week of crisis. Can't figure out to make appointments to follow up, nothing.

Am I crazy or is he being jerked around by this chick...I am now done ranting

OP, the guy needs to figure out that there are plenty of young, attractive women in this area who do not have kids. He sounds desperate and needy. He needs to pull the plug but you can't tell him that, he has to realize it himself. Possibly after incurring a whole lot of pain.

I don't want him to pull the plug on this. She needs a bit of a hero and he needs a bit of a damsel in distress. In theory they work for each other. He just needs to step up and ask for what he needs instead of just giving and giving and giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ranting cause I am so mad. Have male friend with son that is dating girl that lives 4 hours away with a child. They met online and he goes back and forth every other weekend to visit her. 4 hours up and 4 hours back. He had a really bad week with his son being sick him having to have serious dental work done and having to give up vacation out west due to hospitalization. 10:30 at night I get call to come up an hour away to be with him and son at hospital ER while he is worked up. I have had to my eye appointments for him when he had some sort of goop falling out of his eyes and this is after spending a weekend with her(who by the way is trying to get into nursing school). She couldn't even figure out to get him to an Urgent Care while he was there. Now I am making follow up appointments for son. She doesn't work, she isn't in school...where is this cow? Why isn't she down here tending to a man she claims to love. Am I wrong but isn't that what you do for the people you love? You come and help them in a time of crisis? She comes down to visit only when things are just perfect, she strings him along by saying "I love you" and things like that but she doesn't show up when needed. I am starting to get pissed at him for being so gullible. She is walking up on 40, has a child , no career skills, and just now trying to get into nursing school and can't pass the damn math test to get in. He is willing to have her come and live in his home and get through school and support her and she can't show up during a week of crisis. Can't figure out to make appointments to follow up, nothing.

Am I crazy or is he being jerked around by this chick...I am now done ranting

OP, the guy needs to figure out that there are plenty of young, attractive women in this area who do not have kids. He sounds desperate and needy. He needs to pull the plug but you can't tell him that, he has to realize it himself. Possibly after incurring a whole lot of pain.

I don't want him to pull the plug on this. She needs a bit of a hero and he needs a bit of a damsel in distress. In theory they work for each other. He just needs to step up and ask for what he needs instead of just giving and giving and giving.

If this is the case, then the relationship is doomed anyway. People aren't set roles over the long term, and this kind of need in each other either turns into dysfunction long term, or burns out in flames when they don't need each other in that capacity anymore. Already this relationship sounds really unhealthy - a "big sister" should help him see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ranting cause I am so mad. Have male friend with son that is dating girl that lives 4 hours away with a child. They met online and he goes back and forth every other weekend to visit her. 4 hours up and 4 hours back. He had a really bad week with his son being sick him having to have serious dental work done and having to give up vacation out west due to hospitalization. 10:30 at night I get call to come up an hour away to be with him and son at hospital ER while he is worked up. I have had to my eye appointments for him when he had some sort of goop falling out of his eyes and this is after spending a weekend with her(who by the way is trying to get into nursing school). She couldn't even figure out to get him to an Urgent Care while he was there. Now I am making follow up appointments for son. She doesn't work, she isn't in school...where is this cow? Why isn't she down here tending to a man she claims to love. Am I wrong but isn't that what you do for the people you love? You come and help them in a time of crisis? She comes down to visit only when things are just perfect, she strings him along by saying "I love you" and things like that but she doesn't show up when needed. I am starting to get pissed at him for being so gullible. She is walking up on 40, has a child , no career skills, and just now trying to get into nursing school and can't pass the damn math test to get in. He is willing to have her come and live in his home and get through school and support her and she can't show up during a week of crisis. Can't figure out to make appointments to follow up, nothing.

Am I crazy or is he being jerked around by this chick...I am now done ranting

OP, the guy needs to figure out that there are plenty of young, attractive women in this area who do not have kids. He sounds desperate and needy. He needs to pull the plug but you can't tell him that, he has to realize it himself. Possibly after incurring a whole lot of pain.

I don't want him to pull the plug on this. She needs a bit of a hero and he needs a bit of a damsel in distress. In theory they work for each other. He just needs to step up and ask for what he needs instead of just giving and giving and giving.

If this is the case, then the relationship is doomed anyway. People aren't set roles over the long term, and this kind of need in each other either turns into dysfunction long term, or burns out in flames when they don't need each other in that capacity anymore. Already this relationship sounds really unhealthy - a "big sister" should help him see that.

It is really hard to do that when you realize you are talking to a grown man who should know better

[Anonymous]

Attractive women play by a different set of rules.

[Anonymous]

Since you are personally intertwined w/this guy then I think you have every right in the world to be angry.

I would have a talk to him regarding your feelings, but try not to rag too hard on the girlfriend or he may get defensive of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you are personally intertwined w/this guy then I think you have every right in the world to be angry.

I would have a talk to him regarding your feelings, but try not to rag too hard on the girlfriend or he may get defensive of her.

Until recently I was just letting things go. I have never spoken poorly of her no matter what ringer she was pulling him through. Now I feel like I should just at least tell him that if the relationship is this hard while just dating, imagine it when you are married a couple of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, heading to emerg to be with him, making eye appointments, being so involved... Are you just upset that you're in the friend zone? Why aren't you two together?

+1. The only person in this scenerio who seems to be getting jerked around here is OP.

I agree. What are you getting out of this "friendship"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, heading to emerg to be with him, making eye appointments, being so involved... Are you just upset that you're in the friend zone? Why aren't you two together?

+1. The only person in this scenerio who seems to be getting jerked around here is OP.

I agree. What are you getting out of this "friendship"?

+1 my guess it op like to feel needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, heading to emerg to be with him, making eye appointments, being so involved... Are you just upset that you're in the friend zone? Why aren't you two together?

+1. The only person in this scenerio who seems to be getting jerked around here is OP.

I agree. What are you getting out of this "friendship"?

He is a great guy. Good for bouncing things off of. When I am dating someone he is great for keeping me on an even keel and not rejecting/accepting things I shouldn't. We get a long famously and work together. He has done plenty for me in the past that is why I the things I do for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am not deluding myself. For every man that is being jerked around there is a woman. I think the previous poster is also right that this is a self esteem issue. But that is actually unfathomable in this case. This is a tall, buff , gorgeous guy. It is hysterical to be in a room with other women and watch them pitch themselves across a room at him. If this guy has self esteem issues then there is no help for the rest of us.

OP it sounds like you're in love with this guy.
He's just not that into you, invest your time in a man that reciprocates your feelings. Honestly you're the only one that seems to be getting jerked around. Unrequited love is hard at any age. (Hugs)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am not deluding myself. For every man that is being jerked around there is a woman. I think the previous poster is also right that this is a self esteem issue. But that is actually unfathomable in this case. This is a tall, buff , gorgeous guy. It is hysterical to be in a room with other women and watch them pitch themselves across a room at him. If this guy has self esteem issues then there is no help for the rest of us.

OP it sounds like you're in love with this guy.
He's just not that into you, invest your time in a man that reciprocates your feelings. Honestly you're the only one that seems to be getting jerked around. Unrequited love is hard at any age. (Hugs)

Goodness gracious how many times must I say this. That is not what is going on. I have some one in my life and is a stable dude without half the issues this guy has. Seriously move past this. I am not getting jerked around unless you call a friend helping out being jerked around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she hawt?

Yeah she is "hot" and I think that is some of the motivation behind him letting her jerk him around, but how long can that last?

Still no excuse. He should take more pride in himself. She'll treat him worse later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, heading to emerg to be with him, making eye appointments, being so involved... Are you just upset that you're in the friend zone? Why aren't you two together?

+1. The only person in this scenerio who seems to be getting jerked around here is OP.

I agree. What are you getting out of this "friendship"?

He is a great guy. Good for bouncing things off of. When I am dating someone he is great for keeping me on an even keel and not rejecting/accepting things I shouldn't. We get a long famously and work together. He has done plenty for me in the past that is why I the things I do for him.

But you don't want to offer him the same thing by kindly offering him input as a friend about his current situation?