Angry Straight Spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

A lot of the lying gays and bisexuals here will encourage you to keep this sick bastard's secrets because they would want someone to cover for them. Don't listen to them. This nasty creature who wasted 30 years of your life doesn't deserve to maintain a reputation. People will wonder why you divorced after so long. Tell them the truth before your lying ex has a chance to spin a narrative about you.

This is quite hateful. Lying gays and bisexuals?

OP how did you learn about his affair with his friend? And then you say he had female coworker affairs - how did you find out about that from the past?
And why do you gloss over that?

Did DH have much sex with you with all of that going on?

How is the way OP discovered the truth relevant? Affairs get discovered in all kinds of ways. Suggesting that OP is "glossing over" something sounds like blame shifting.

[Anonymous]

OP I would tell the truth.

You married your DH 30 years ago and, having been around then, I know other bi or gay people who have come out since then, who married because they just wanted to fit in. Things were not as open as they are today, and I know a few people who were really hurt by this. But, the one guy I know who made peace with who he is, got divorced, and kept on going has done well.

If you have children or close family members or very close friends they deserve to know the truth. A lot of things may make more sense to them.

I would not post why you are divorcing on Facebook or anything, or annouce it to the entire church (or whatever) but you deserve to tell family members or close friends the truth.

Just...would not go about it as " a plan to out him"...more like, well, this is why I am getting divorced from my husband who lied to me for 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I feel I have a right to tell my friends and family the precise reason we are getting divorced. I dont feel the need to be vague about with whom he cheated. Because we have been married so long, we have a lot of friends and family. I am not talking about a blanket facebook revelation to perfect strangers. To not openly reveal what has occurred makes me the keeper of his secret to my detriment. He never considered my feelings. Why must I be so thoughgful of his? I am open to being persuaded which is why I am posting here, but I am very angry, obviously.

I think you are a right to be angry, obviously.

And you have a right to be honest when telling people WHY you are getting divorced. You don't have to lie for him. Telling the truth is enough. You don't need to cover for him. You are just telling the truth. Avoid being mean and judgemental and you'll come off like a rose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here:

It's all in how you do it. If you say it like being gay is wrong, or bad, that will come off as bitter. Some people might not even believe you.

If you just say "he cheated on me with Steve for many many years" it will serve the same purpose and probably have more impact.

I see nothing wrong with simply stating the truth

OP here ... This is exactly the tone I have in mind. No name calling, no editorial commentary, just a factual statement that he had a sexual affair with his high school friend X for the entire 30 years of our marriage. I would not even identify his orientation with a label although the name of the friend speaks volumes. If friends find me bitter or vindictive ... So be it. That is true as is resentful and a lot of other words. I am working towards peace but walking around hiding his actions and betrayal only add to the negative aspects of the situation for me.

This is a good plan. This isn't outing. This is honesty.

[Anonymous]

The problem isn't that your husband is bi, it's that he was unfaithful. Historically, there have been countless men who have same-sex attraction but are faithful. Unfortunately, your husband isn't one of them.

I completely sympathize with your outrage, but don't contribute to the "bi men are untrustworthy, promiscuous, disease vectors" stereotype that they already suffer from.

Your DH broke the marriage due to gross infidelity, not due to bisexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I would be majorly hurt, and pissed.. I don't know that I would out him. However, if and when anyone asks the reason for the divorce I would tell them that he has been unfaithful for the entire marriage.

I would not hesitate to out him as a cheater.

I think it is fair, if asked, to tell the truth. He cheated on me for 30 years with his best friend, XYZ. There is no need to put up a front and protect him from his own actions. Why would his bi status cause him to be treated any different than any other cheater? He is what he is and he did what he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

make a post about it on facebook and let everyone decide for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.

Why is that worse? Because being gay is a worse sin than adultry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.

Why is it worse?! Man, woman, it doesn't matter. If you can't commit to one person, OR you both can't come to an agreement re: open marriage, then you don't marry. Regardless of whether a man is married to a woman or a man.

[Anonymous]

dh did the same to me, but it was only 10 years. I was/am also beyond pissed, about the cheating not that he's gay.

I went with the cheating on why we divorced, so he can come out on his own.

on a side note, check out Netflix Frankie & Gracie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't that your husband is bi, it's that he was unfaithful. Historically, there have been countless men who have same-sex attraction but are faithful. Unfortunately, your husband isn't one of them.

I completely sympathize with your outrage, but don't contribute to the "bi men are untrustworthy, promiscuous, disease vectors" stereotype that they already suffer from.

Your DH broke the marriage due to gross infidelity, not due to bisexuality.

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn't that your husband is bi, it's that he was unfaithful. Historically, there have been countless men who have same-sex attraction but are faithful. Unfortunately, your husband isn't one of them.

I completely sympathize with your outrage, but don't contribute to the "bi men are untrustworthy, promiscuous, disease vectors" stereotype that they already suffer from.

Your DH broke the marriage due to gross infidelity, not due to bisexuality.

That's true, but was the marriage dead years ago, OP?
I'd be angry at infidelity, but again - how has the marriage been going?

Did you know about the cheating at all through the years ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.

Why is it worse?! Man, woman, it doesn't matter. If you can't commit to one person, OR you both can't come to an agreement re: open marriage, then you don't marry. Regardless of whether a man is married to a woman or a man.

I would honestly have an open marriage if DH wanted to spend time with a male friend if he was bi.
If he didn't come home I'd be upset, but if he did and we still had what we had going before if be good with it.

With a woman - no. Another woman would want the whole long term relationship thing and it would be awful to me as I guess the sex is the same with a woman mostly, but two guys is a whole different thing so it would be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.

Why is it worse?! Man, woman, it doesn't matter. If you can't commit to one person, OR you both can't come to an agreement re: open marriage, then you don't marry. Regardless of whether a man is married to a woman or a man.

I would honestly have an open marriage if DH wanted to spend time with a male friend if he was bi.
If he didn't come home I'd be upset, but if he did and we still had what we had going before if be good with it.

With a woman - no. Another woman would want the whole long term relationship thing and it would be awful to me as I guess the sex is the same with a woman mostly, but two guys is a whole different thing so it would be ok.

You know 2 men can want a long term relationship too right? same road different players