Angry Straight Spouse

[Anonymous]

A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

[Anonymous]

I don't think outing people as a weapon is in any way admirable. It would likely backfire on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago I learned that my DH was bi and had been having a gay affair with a high school buddy for the entire 30 years of our marriage. He also had a few affairs with female coworkers. Because I had no idea he was bi, he carried out the gay affair right in front of my face. They took lots of out of town buddy trips and on and on. I am furious and feel I have had 30 years stolen from me. I am of course divorcing him and after the settlement is safely signed, plan to out him royally. Given his lies and despicable cheating ... does he deserve my silence and protection of his image as a straight man?!

I would out the bastard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think outing people as a weapon is in any way admirable. It would likely backfire on you.

How would it backfire?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I feel I have a right to tell my friends and family the precise reason we are getting divorced. I dont feel the need to be vague about with whom he cheated. Because we have been married so long, we have a lot of friends and family. I am not talking about a blanket facebook revelation to perfect strangers. To not openly reveal what has occurred makes me the keeper of his secret to my detriment. He never considered my feelings. Why must I be so thoughgful of his? I am open to being persuaded which is why I am posting here, but I am very angry, obviously.

[Anonymous]

While I would be majorly hurt, and pissed.. I don't know that I would out him. However, if and when anyone asks the reason for the divorce I would tell them that he has been unfaithful for the entire marriage.

I would not hesitate to out him as a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I would be majorly hurt, and pissed.. I don't know that I would out him. However, if and when anyone asks the reason for the divorce I would tell them that he has been unfaithful for the entire marriage.

I would not hesitate to out him as a cheater.

Agreed. And you have every right to be angry. How dare he do that to your life. Asshole.

[Anonymous]

Oh.. close family and friends? Yeah, they would know. Thinking back to the end of my first marriage I did name the person my ex had been with. Without hesitation.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh.. close family and friends? Yeah, they would know. Thinking back to the end of my first marriage I did name the person my ex had been with. Without hesitation.

Quoting myself here.


OP are these other people married?

Give yourself some time to digest this, and then decide how much you really want to say. I, personally, have no regrets. However you may want to consider how this may impact your relationship with some of the people.

I completely understand wanting to out them both. Very clearly, preferably while they are both standing right there. Go ahead, jack asses..deny it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Yes, I agree with this way of thinking about it. But his lies about his sexual orientation are what allowed him to cheat so thoroughly and so long. He knew that and lied specifically for that reason. In other words, he kept his being bi secret not out of shame or confusion but rather because keeping it secret facilitated having multiple sex partners. This is why I am so inclined to out him. He is out scouting new female partners and has no intention of telling them about his longterm male partner whom he will of course keep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.

Yes, I agree with this way of thinking about it. But his lies about his sexual orientation are what allowed him to cheat so thoroughly and so long. He knew that and lied specifically for that reason. In other words, he kept his being bi secret not out of shame or confusion but rather because keeping it secret facilitated having multiple sex partners. This is why I am so inclined to out him. He is out scouting new female partners and has no intention of telling them about his longterm male partner whom he will of course keep.

Yeah, that is more reprehensible than just regular cheating. He was able to successfully pull it off because of even more lies. I am really sorry OP. I don't know what I would do. But he is awful.

[Anonymous]

His male partner is gay and unmarried.

[Anonymous]

OP again. The situation is just more awful than words can convey. I am not a bigot and have always supported LBGT issues, rights, dignity and just humanity. Ironically, DH has NOT done so and votes accordingly, perhaps as a smokescreen to cover his true self all these years. I am still very pro LBGT in every way ... it is only this one particular asshole who is my target. Just wanted to clarify. Thanks for giving me some feedback. I have a few months to think it through but welcome additional thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think outing people as a weapon is in any way admirable. It would likely backfire on you.

How would it backfire?

Treating sexual orientation as a moral flaw or object of ridicule could, depending on your audience, make you look like an ignorant, intolerant a-hole.

I don't think that it's necessarily your job to keep the identity of his affair partners hidden from your closest family and friends, though. "The ones I know about are his coworker Kathy and his high school buddy Jim. He was with Jim all the time. I had no idea."

But outing him to a general audience is just not cool. He may be a sh!thead, but you don't have to lower yourself as a result.