How long are parents expected to arrange playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a neighbor's kid comes to your door to play with your kid and it's not a convenient time, just say so. What's with all the drama of having to call first, or not wanting the responsibility of watching another kid, etc?

I agree. I live on a court and sometimes when my 4 yr ols DS goes outside to play, he asks if he can walk down to his friend's house (3 homes away) to see if she can play. If she can't, her mom tells him so nicely and he walks home. If she can, she comes out a few mins later. It isn't a big deal. I feel lucky that I live in a place that reminds me a bit of when I grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say I don't like drop bys at all. It's hard to say no the child at the door, but sometimes there just are things going on in the family or the schedule etc. that it is just not appreciated. Sorry, a quick call before hand and we likely can be more flexible. A kid at the door I don't like.

I don't find it hard to say no to the child at the door (nicely), so I welcome drop-bys. If you do find it difficult, I can see how the drop-by would feel like an intrusion. Maybe the thing to do is to check with neighbors how they feel about drop-bys before letting your kid go over unannounced for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Planning a few pre-september play dates for middle schoolers doesn't seem like a big deal. The girls don't know each other yet. As long as you don't require your kid to attend, or expect some incredibly special bond to develop among them, go for it.

[Anonymous]

we live in chevy chase and neighbor kids have been knocking ever since my son was 3 or 4. i think it's great. if we're busy, we just say so, no big deal. likewise my son occasionally visits the neighbor kids on a drop-in basis. if the family is busy, he just comes back home. neighbor drop in is very different from the friend who comes over by car for playdate unannounced i think. seems to me the neighbor in the original post is uptight. but i guess that's his right. i grew up in a neighborhood where there were tons of kids and we all hung out at each other's houses with no planning invoved. it's all about what you're comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the father was more concerned about a free range kid being let out to be independent when he perhaps didn't feel comfortable with a 7 year old going out by themselves and was thinking that he was somehow being put in a position of responsibility for the child - without knowing he was on his way? And was concerned about it. OP does he let his own child out by himself to roam in the neighbourhood? This is just another explanation for his request - rather than it being an issue of an unexpected knock on the door.

I have had other parents feel this way when my 8 year old daughter is out and about in our neighbourhood (we live in Halifax, NS, Canada (but are moving to DC soon and looking for a neighbourhood where kids roam)- so it's a somewhat safer environment here for budding independent kids). I think a lot of parents who aren't comfortable with giving their own kids independence (at whatever age, for whatever reason) - feel put upon (upset) when someone else's kid, who is the same age, is being independent in their vicinity (and they feel responsibility for them and think the parents are being negligent). (I say this with confidence because I was one of these other parents until last year when I did a 360 and took a hard look at what never letting my 8 year old of my sight was doing to her development/confidence. She started asking me for independence - to walk to the corner store 4 blocks away to get milk, to go to the park 6 blocks away and see if anyone was playing, to walk to her friends house 8 blocks away. And she is thrilled at her independence and we are thrilled at her confidence. We talk lots about what if's/street safety. I think for a lot of parents it's difficult for them to give their kids independence because then they have to talk with them about the realities of the world and they don't want them to lose their innocence (and the parents are dead scared of the realities of the world and think that zero risk/zero independence is better than what could happen). But kids need to develop confidence in themselves and confidence in navigating their way through the world - of course the question is at what age? When we were kids it was usually 6 or 7 or 8, now it seems much older, if ever, more like 14 or 15? Though my husband still has parents of his graduate students coming in to introduce themselves and to introduce their daughters who will be in his class, at the beginning of a semester!!!!

OP. I don't call to check that my daughter has arrived at her destination, but I do ask her to call me when she gets there. So perhaps if your son is ready for independence then you can give him the responsibility of making the call to you. As well as figuring out which parents in your neighbourhood are comfortable with kids roaming around to their house. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Boy, I have to say that I am surprised. This was SO COMMON and still is in the neighborhood I grew up. Yes, as early as 1st grade. I don't understand why people are demanding calls first. And, I think it is beyond bizarre. If it is not convenient, you just say "Jimmy can't play now b/c we are busy. Please come back another time."

Presumably, you're watching your own kid if you're not busy. What's the big deal with two older children playing together. That's what kids do. Especially in the summer. They play at each other's house.

I am really surprised about the responses I'm reading.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Rockville and remember very well going to neighbors' houses unannounced starting in about 1st grade. I always told my mom which house I was going to. As I got older (upper elementary) I often jumped between neighbors' houses and I had to let my mom know whose house I was at (call or run by home first). If a neighbor wasn't available to play, I would simply go to another house or go home. No big deal. I feel that this is totally normal (since it is how I grew up). I do not think you did anything "wrong." It is unfortunate though, that everything must be planned out in advance. I feel like that takes some of the special"ness" away from having kids in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

We live on a street with lots of kids my daughter's age (4/5/6) and we do a lot of impromptu playdates. Sometimes we see kids playing outside and join in; sometimes kids show up at our door and ask us to play; sometimes we knock on neighbors' doors and ask their kids to play.

What I tell DD is that 1) we are not allowed to invite ourselves to play at someone's house - if we go knock on their door we need to invite them to our house, the park, etc. and not just go on in; and 2) if we are playing outside with neighbor friends, it's not exclusive and anyone who wants can join in and play.

Thankfully the parents on our street are like-minded and we have a lot of fun doing spontaneous activities with the kids.

[Anonymous]

The dad may have felt that since your child was at his house that it was now his responsibility to supervise. Maybe it just wasn't a good time. I have no problem with that. I think it's a courtesy thing. If your child wants to play then you call the other family and invite their child to come to you.

I don't let my children just randomly knock on our neighbors door to play. I tell them to just play outside and they will know you're there and come out if they can.

If someone comes to the door unannounced and I don't want my kids going out (doing homework, getting ready to leave for something, eating, etc) the I'm the one who has to deal with them complaining about not being able to go out.

I guess I treat it as a courtesy building thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live on a street with lots of kids my daughter's age (4/5/6) and we do a lot of impromptu playdates. Sometimes we see kids playing outside and join in; sometimes kids show up at our door and ask us to play; sometimes we knock on neighbors' doors and ask their kids to play.

What I tell DD is that 1) we are not allowed to invite ourselves to play at someone's house - if we go knock on their door we need to invite them to our house, the park, etc. and not just go on in; and 2) if we are playing outside with neighbor friends, it's not exclusive and anyone who wants can join in and play.

Thankfully the parents on our street are like-minded and we have a lot of fun doing spontaneous activities with the kids.

We live in an area that is similar to the poster above. I wouldn't have it any other way. It isn't a big deal if a child comes to the door and asks if my son wants to play. If we are busy, I just say no but maybe another time. No big deal. The kids play outside together a lot so it isn't very often that kids come knocking anyway. It seems like some parents today just seem a bit out of touch w/ the way kids are in general. I babysit for many parents who seem very ill at ease and uncomfortable around their owns kids so I can totally see how the dad overreacted by something that is no big deal in the post by the OP.

[Anonymous]

Good lord - call first? Isn't play supposed to be a little spontaneous? And what's with all you adults who feel uncomfortable saying no to a kid standing at your door? No won't kill them - they'll just go home or some place else. Really, this isn't that serious of a subject.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me a little sad. While I won't knock the parents who prefer a call, it wasn't like this when and where I grew up, and I don't want this for my child (children if we have another).

I don't knock the parents because I think in this area, people are really busy, a little anxious, etc., and I understand the need for family time, schedules, etc. I just dream of raising my kids in a place that is less....like here. Or make sure we live in a neighborhood with the more laid back posters! I would hate to have my child start having to schedule EVERYTHING in the first grade.

[Anonymous]

Calling in advance of a drop-by is NOT scheduling things in advance! It's a simple, hassle-free courtesy, it is not emblematic of the end of an era or a certain way of life. What is the big deal, folks?

My perspective: I grew up on a cul-de-sac and now when I visit my mother with my son, sometimes neighborhood children come by without calling first and it feels rude, it can be a headache for me if my son wants to play but we've got other things planned. Of course sometimes I let him go out an play. We live in an apartment building in DC so people always call first. I'd appreciate that if we lived in a house. All my friends do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling in advance of a drop-by is NOT scheduling things in advance! It's a simple, hassle-free courtesy, it is not emblematic of the end of an era or a certain way of life. What is the big deal, folks?

My perspective: I grew up on a cul-de-sac and now when I visit my mother with my son, sometimes neighborhood children come by without calling first and it feels rude, it can be a headache for me if my son wants to play but we've got other things planned. Of course sometimes I let him go out an play. We live in an apartment building in DC so people always call first. I'd appreciate that if we lived in a house. All my friends do.

I think the big deal is for those of who grew up differently, it feels odd. Not horrible, but definitely different and definitely more formal. Not as neighborly.

[Anonymous]

in all honestly, I would probably discourage my child from playing at a home where I or he always needed to call first. Just puts me off.