Disinterested Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did he say when you asked him about this? Does he want to be closer to them but is not sure how?

(FWIW, I know way more dads who are involved and interested than who aren't, regardless of the gender of the kids, including my DH.)

That must be why we see so many room dads, volunteer dads, dads at birthday parties, dads at the pool, dads at the park, dads reading to their children, dads doing their homework, dads grocery shopping with their kids, and most of all a dcurbandad.com. Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee people!!! Just be realistic and quit painting a picture that doesn't exist. Just look around. It is no way shape or form 50/50 as far as the majority is concerned. OP's situation is not uncommon.

I don't think OP's situation is uncommon but nor do I think the majority of modern dads are disinterested in their kids. I think it's a mix. And yes, I do know room dads and PTA dads, and often see dads with their kids at birthday parties, pools, libraries, water parks, malls, and grocery stores.

[Anonymous]

OP take a month to go visit your ailing mom/dad, take a vacation, take a long school or work trip and leave DH in charge of the kids without you there.
Maybe they'll bond.

You should have noticed that something was up well before the kids were 9 and 10.

[Anonymous]

Amaze0707 wrote:I have two daughters, too, and my dh is pretty much involved in their lives. I wonder if you have talked to your hubby to find out his reasons for keeping himself that way. Hugs to you and your dds!!!

oP do you think you are too controlling maybe?
Too involved and opinionated so DH is marginalized?

My DH was overwhelmed with kid stuff so I spent many hours away doing my own things and he bonded with kids and we're pretty much equally involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was involved with DD1 at the early beginning baby phases since she was our first. DD2 came 17 months later. And since then he just doesn't contribute that much except for cooking a meal here and there. He makes time for himself and all his activities, but is so clueless when it comes to the kids. They are 9 snd 10 now, and honestly, they don't seem to care for being with him either. They love him but want limited doses so I guess the feeling is mutual. I am moreso venting because it gets frustrating and has been. It just amazes me how different men and women are. Please don't start blasting about that comment. I know that there are some men out there that don't fit that mold, but the majority do. What makes a man grow up to be not so clueless and selfish?

Because you allowed it.

+1 That's what I was thinking. Guess you were so busy caring for the kids and ENABLING him you didn't stop to think maybe he needs to be forced to step up?
Sounds like it is time for a week-or-longer mommy vacation. Make sure he does the laundry too. And next time he "makes time for his activities" tell him no, it's YOUR turn to go out, and give him a list of possible things to do with the kids that does not involve watching TV or playing on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was involved with DD1 at the early beginning baby phases since she was our first. DD2 came 17 months later. And since then he just doesn't contribute that much except for cooking a meal here and there. He makes time for himself and all his activities, but is so clueless when it comes to the kids. They are 9 snd 10 now, and honestly, they don't seem to care for being with him either. They love him but want limited doses so I guess the feeling is mutual. I am moreso venting because it gets frustrating and has been. It just amazes me how different men and women are. Please don't start blasting about that comment. I know that there are some men out there that don't fit that mold, but the majority do. What makes a man grow up to be not so clueless and selfish?

Because you allowed it.

Not OP, but it's not about "allowing" this behavior. It's about the fact that he seems clueless on his own. Why does his wife *need* to tell him to take an interest in their kids' lives, to be more engaged?

OP - was your DH's father engaged with your DH when he was young? My DH's father wasn't, but DH has done a 180 compared to his father. DH remembers those times when his father wasn't there for him, that his father never took him somewhere that DH wanted to go to as a child. So, DH is making sure his kids don't suffer the same fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying the majority of men are selfish and clueless? Maybe your husband but not mine and not most in DCUM who work their asses off and come home and help take care of kids. Sorry OP. Maybe talk to him about it.

Wait wait wait. You are saying most DCUM Dads are hands on and involved? LOL. Even the moms aren't. That is what Nannies and daycare are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is super engaged with DS and DD. Always has been. My observation is men either learn it at home from their father or they deliberately choose to act differently. My DH did not learn this at home and he was in military school from 12. He didn't want to be like his father so he's been the opposite - cooks, is engaged with their school, loves sharing history books with DD and cooking with DS. To OP - have you talked about this with DH? Could you be setting your kids up for choosing a husband who acts exactly the same?

Same with DH. My DH's dad was a business executive and traveled a lot away from home... DH remembers very few encounters with his dad as he was growing up... MIL complains that he did nothing. Even now, as a retired 70 year old man, he can't cook his own meals or take care of himself, let alone someone else. DH, on the other hand, is extremely involved with our kids... from birth he has changed diapers, does their laundry, cooks/packs their lunches, plays with them, drops off/picks up from daycare, and attends the older kids' extracurricular activities pretty evenly with me (we both work). My only complaint about him is that he is a total pushover and the kids take advantage... but that complements my very-strict nature (which is also a reaction to my mom's laissez-faire parenting).

Not every dad is disinterested... I think it's more appropriate to look at why he, as an individual, is disinterested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did he say when you asked him about this? Does he want to be closer to them but is not sure how?

(FWIW, I know way more dads who are involved and interested than who aren't, regardless of the gender of the kids, including my DH.)

That must be why we see so many room dads, volunteer dads, dads at birthday parties, dads at the pool, dads at the park, dads reading to their children, dads doing their homework, dads grocery shopping with their kids, and most of all a dcurbandad.com. Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee people!!! Just be realistic and quit painting a picture that doesn't exist. Just look around. It is no way shape or form 50/50 as far as the majority is concerned. OP's situation is not uncommon.

+1

I agree. I think many people especially here on this thread want to believe otherwise, but look around, the majority are women or men being forced to be there...lol. My DH will go to things and help out, but I definitely have to guide him. OP, just give him things to do. It will get done. Don't wait for him to volunteer, or you will be waiting a long time...lol.

[Anonymous]

Apparently, dads are too busy surfing up their porn.....haha. Ahhhhh.....quality time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did he say when you asked him about this? Does he want to be closer to them but is not sure how?

(FWIW, I know way more dads who are involved and interested than who aren't, regardless of the gender of the kids, including my DH.)

That must be why we see so many room dads, volunteer dads, dads at birthday parties, dads at the pool, dads at the park, dads reading to their children, dads doing their homework, dads grocery shopping with their kids, and most of all a dcurbandad.com. Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee people!!! Just be realistic and quit painting a picture that doesn't exist. Just look around. It is no way shape or form 50/50 as far as the majority is concerned. OP's situation is not uncommon.

+1

I agree. I think many people especially here on this thread want to believe otherwise, but look around, the majority are women or men being forced to be there...lol. My DH will go to things and help out, but I definitely have to guide him. OP, just give him things to do. It will get done. Don't wait for him to volunteer, or you will be waiting a long time...lol.

You need to get out of Springfield and come over to DC. Things are different here, lots of hands-on dads. My working mom friend says she feels like an alien out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what did he say when you asked him about this? Does he want to be closer to them but is not sure how?

(FWIW, I know way more dads who are involved and interested than who aren't, regardless of the gender of the kids, including my DH.)

That must be why we see so many room dads, volunteer dads, dads at birthday parties, dads at the pool, dads at the park, dads reading to their children, dads doing their homework, dads grocery shopping with their kids, and most of all a dcurbandad.com. Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee people!!! Just be realistic and quit painting a picture that doesn't exist. Just look around. It is no way shape or form 50/50 as far as the majority is concerned. OP's situation is not uncommon.

+1

I agree. I think many people especially here on this thread want to believe otherwise, but look around, the majority are women or men being forced to be there...lol. My DH will go to things and help out, but I definitely have to guide him. OP, just give him things to do. It will get done. Don't wait for him to volunteer, or you will be waiting a long time...lol.

You need to get out of Springfield and come over to DC. Things are different here, lots of hands-on dads. My working mom friend says she feels like an alien out there.

Sure thing ... All those threads on the relationship and family forum must be from VA and MD residents. DC is the utopia of equality, right??? Lol!!