What to do about sleepovers for bisexual/gay teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

Absolutely false. What is new now -- and I mean within the last 5 - 10 years, most likely since you were in high school -- is the fadness and trendiness of being bi, gay, transexual, transgendered and anything else you can think of. The in-your-faceness of it is completely new. The stand up and announce! Proclaim! is new. THAT is what is making so many of these kids experiment, to their own eventual detriment. Which of course is the intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

I am ignoring most of the strange comments of age of relationships and whether or not you know you are gay etc...

I understand your concern but let her have sleepovers with friends. Just because she is gay or bi does not mean she is attracted to all of her friends. They are STILL her friends, platonic friends and she needs them even more than someone who is straight. She shouldn't feel funny about that and letting her not have sleepovers will make her feel weird.

Just tell her she has to be honest about her relationships and/or crushes to you and that she can not have sleepovers with any of those. If she breaks that rule she will lose all sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

Absolutely false. What is new now -- and I mean within the last 5 - 10 years, most likely since you were in high school -- is the fadness and trendiness of being bi, gay, transexual, transgendered and anything else you can think of. The in-your-faceness of it is completely new. The stand up and announce! Proclaim! is new. THAT is what is making so many of these kids experiment, to their own eventual detriment. Which of course is the intent.

Who cares what they do or what they experiment? Honestly, who cares! It doesn't change them. Detriment???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

No 14 year old has any idea whether they are gay or bisexual. While five years ago she would have been shunned and made fun of its now all the rage to pretend to be gay or bisexual. A 14 year old does not have a clue what they are unless they have had sex with a boy and another girl and I doubt that has happened.

It's high school drama and the less you talk about it the better that things will turn out.

+1,000

OP, if you are asking me, a mom to a teen girl about your DD's age if I would let her attend a sleepover at your house, the answer is a resounding no. But not because of your DD -- it's because of your parenting values. Frankly, I feel sorry for your DD and would wish that we could help in some way by being her friend, but if this is your attitude about teen sexuality, then it would be a no-go from our perspective.

Not the OP but I feel sorry for your DD and guarantee she is 100% embarrassed to have such a close-minded bible thumping Mom who thinks you can help "the gays."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

No 14 year old has any idea whether they are gay or bisexual. While five years ago she would have been shunned and made fun of its now all the rage to pretend to be gay or bisexual. A 14 year old does not have a clue what they are unless they have had sex with a boy and another girl and I doubt that has happened.

It's high school drama and the less you talk about it the better that things will turn out.

Word ^^. It really is a trend these days. Dont pay too much attention to this nonsense.

Who are you people? Do you really live in the DC area? You freak me out.

I, for one, not only live "in the DC area," but I live right in the heart of so-called liberal NW DC and I send my kids to a so-called liberal private school. And absolutely, yes, it is a fad. Have you been in a middle school or high school lately? THAT is what should freak you out.

OP, you didn't ask for opinions on this, but since I'm posting I will add that if I were you, sleepovers would be the least of my concerns. I would be working to get my DD out of this madness ASAP.

What if <gasp> gender and sexuality aren't binary, and people can love whomever they love, and felt free to come out with the understanding and respect of those around them? What if positive proclamations of gender and sexuality "differences" led to people being proud of, rather than ashamed of, who they are? That would be awesome.

That's what I'm seeing out of the teenagers I know. Gay, straight, in between, and allies. And I'm proud of them for it!

[Anonymous]

I find it absurd that you are aware of sexual preferences of teenagers around you. Who cares? Why is there a need to accept someone's sexuality, if this person ia not your partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No sleepovers with anyone you are in a romantic relationship with or have romantic feelings towards.

That's my rule.

No sleepovers with same sex friends if you are gay or bisexual. You wouldn't allow a male friend to sleep over for a straight girl. Same thing.

Different poster, but I would/have/will. Not allowing a bisexual teen to have sleepovers with anyone of a gender she is attracted to would mean not allowing sleepovers with either boys or girls... which to me sends a number of troubling messages, not to mention cutting her off from her friends, when I know that most teens need friendship and the support of a peer group.

While this would not be a rule I would choose to make or how I would choose to address the issue, it seems to me that "no sleepovers with anyone you are in a romantic relationship with" is a much more sensible rule to address the concern of potential sexual activity, without seeming to punish the teen for her sexuality. (If I had made a blanket prohibition on sleepovers in this situation, after having previously allowed them, I think my children would interpret this as very similar to grounding and see it as a punishment, not a restriction to address potential health and safety concerns related to teen sexual activity -- if that is what the question is really about I would personally want to make sure any rules I made were clearly tied to addressing that specific issue).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

No 14 year old has any idea whether they are gay or bisexual. While five years ago she would have been shunned and made fun of its now all the rage to pretend to be gay or bisexual. A 14 year old does not have a clue what they are unless they have had sex with a boy and another girl and I doubt that has happened.

It's high school drama and the less you talk about it the better that things will turn out.

Did you know your sexual identity before you had sex? I sure did. I knew I was straight when I had my first crush at 7 years old. I didn't have sex until I was 20. Sexuality and attraction can be fluid, and this girl may end up gay, straight, or somewhere in between, but don't diminish her experience with "it's just a fad & she won't know until she's older."

So she may likely totally change her mind, but don't diminish her experience as just a fad? Huh?

There's a difference between changing one's mind and sexuality being fluid. (And I didn't at all say that it was likely it would happen. Just that she may end up gay, straight, or somewhere in between.) This is rarely a matter of choice or decision, though who a person ends up with--not their gender, but who they are--is a choice. Example: some of my bi friends are married to men. They've made the choice to marry that man, not to be straight.

A "fad" means going along with something because "everyone else is doing it." Calling her coming out as bisexual a fad is diminishing her experience.

Nobody said anything about telling the child that it was a fad. Three parents upthread told another parent that this bi trend existed in HS these days.

Right. And dismissing the "bi trend" as a "fad" (whether it's to the kid or not) is insulting to bi individuals. Suggesting "the less you talk about it, the better it will turn out" closes a door of communication between this child and her parents.

+1

I was talked out of being true to myself - bisexual - because the adults in my life were convinced it was a fad and I didn't know what I was talking about, at 14 exactly.

I went on to think it was normal for straight people to have strong sexual attraction to and have sex with members of their own gender.

Ah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it absurd that you are aware of sexual preferences of teenagers around you. Who cares? Why is there a need to accept someone's sexuality, if this person ia not your partner?

Because creating an open and accepting world is directly in line with many people's values (including mine!), while I think that the attitude behind the advice/desire/choice to keep things hushed up and hidden implies that there is something negative and shameful about whatever is made so strongly taboo? Because all people should feel accepted for any aspect of their identity that they are not actively using to harm others? Because people should be able to feel safe being authentically themselves, and acceptance is the opposite of the hatred and bigotry that has historically been directed against various minority identity groups, including LGBT people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

Absolutely false. What is new now -- and I mean within the last 5 - 10 years, most likely since you were in high school -- is the fadness and trendiness of being bi, gay, transexual, transgendered and anything else you can think of. The in-your-faceness of it is completely new. The stand up and announce! Proclaim! is new. THAT is what is making so many of these kids experiment, to their own eventual detriment. Which of course is the intent.

I am curious how consensual sexual experimentation is detrimental...to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

Absolutely false. What is new now -- and I mean within the last 5 - 10 years, most likely since you were in high school -- is the fadness and trendiness of being bi, gay, transexual, transgendered and anything else you can think of. The in-your-faceness of it is completely new. The stand up and announce! Proclaim! is new. THAT is what is making so many of these kids experiment, to their own eventual detriment. Which of course is the intent.

I am curious how consensual sexual experimentation is detrimental...to anyone.

+1. As long as there is informed consent, I don't see what the "detriment" to which PP refers could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pay any attention to this bisexual nonsense from a high school girl. It's the latest cool phase to go through these days.

People have been saying this for decades. Saying it over and over does not make it true.

Absolutely false. What is new now -- and I mean within the last 5 - 10 years, most likely since you were in high school -- is the fadness and trendiness of being bi, gay, transexual, transgendered and anything else you can think of. The in-your-faceness of it is completely new. The stand up and announce! Proclaim! is new. THAT is what is making so many of these kids experiment, to their own eventual detriment. Which of course is the intent.

Who cares what they do or what they experiment? Honestly, who cares! It doesn't change them. Detriment???

I would care and of course, sexual/ intimate/ love relationships change them. Are you really that dense that you don't know that? I'm sincerely hoping you're not a parent IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

No 14 year old has any idea whether they are gay or bisexual. While five years ago she would have been shunned and made fun of its now all the rage to pretend to be gay or bisexual. A 14 year old does not have a clue what they are unless they have had sex with a boy and another girl and I doubt that has happened.

It's high school drama and the less you talk about it the better that things will turn out.

Word ^^. It really is a trend these days. Dont pay too much attention to this nonsense.

Who are you people? Do you really live in the DC area? You freak me out.

I, for one, not only live "in the DC area," but I live right in the heart of so-called liberal NW DC and I send my kids to a so-called liberal private school. And absolutely, yes, it is a fad. Have you been in a middle school or high school lately? THAT is what should freak you out.

OP, you didn't ask for opinions on this, but since I'm posting I will add that if I were you, sleepovers would be the least of my concerns. I would be working to get my DD out of this madness ASAP.

What if <gasp> gender and sexuality aren't binary, and people can love whomever they love, and felt free to come out with the understanding and respect of those around them? What if positive proclamations of gender and sexuality "differences" led to people being proud of, rather than ashamed of, who they are? That would be awesome.

That's what I'm seeing out of the teenagers I know. Gay, straight, in between, and allies. And I'm proud of them for it!

And -- gasp -- what if pigs could fly? What's your point? Are you really saying that every bizarre urge a person feels for any minute of their life should be indulged? Every thought should be spoken?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my 14 year old recently came out as bisexual. I have that part under control - it really wasn't a big deal, we were able to tell her we love & accept her no matter what, etc. She also told us she was in a relationship with someone we previous thought was "just a friend." Again, not a big deal, we know & like the other girl, and they are both the right age for first "special friendships," whether with a male or female. The part I'm stumped on is how to handle sleepovers from here on out. Prior to this, she has both had sleepovers at other girls' homes and had girls over here, including with the "girlfriend." We supervise, are in and out of the rooms where they are, but are not in the room 100% of the time. I certainly wouldn't be letting a teenage girl have a sleepover with a boy, but how do I handle same-sex sleepovers when there is same sex attraction? For the short term, we have said she can still spend time with the "girlfriend," but no more sleepovers with her, but have still said yes to a sleepover with another girl. I don't want to put a blanket "no sleepovers" rule, but I am feeling conflicted now. What would you do?

No 14 year old has any idea whether they are gay or bisexual. While five years ago she would have been shunned and made fun of its now all the rage to pretend to be gay or bisexual. A 14 year old does not have a clue what they are unless they have had sex with a boy and another girl and I doubt that has happened.

It's high school drama and the less you talk about it the better that things will turn out.

Word ^^. It really is a trend these days. Dont pay too much attention to this nonsense.

Who are you people? Do you really live in the DC area? You freak me out.

I, for one, not only live "in the DC area," but I live right in the heart of so-called liberal NW DC and I send my kids to a so-called liberal private school. And absolutely, yes, it is a fad. Have you been in a middle school or high school lately? THAT is what should freak you out.

OP, you didn't ask for opinions on this, but since I'm posting I will add that if I were you, sleepovers would be the least of my concerns. I would be working to get my DD out of this madness ASAP.

What if <gasp> gender and sexuality aren't binary, and people can love whomever they love, and felt free to come out with the understanding and respect of those around them? What if positive proclamations of gender and sexuality "differences" led to people being proud of, rather than ashamed of, who they are? That would be awesome.

That's what I'm seeing out of the teenagers I know. Gay, straight, in between, and allies. And I'm proud of them for it!

And -- gasp -- what if pigs could fly? What's your point? Are you really saying that every bizarre urge a person feels for any minute of their life should be indulged? Every thought should be spoken?

Nope. I'm saying that gender and sexuality aren't binary, and that they are important things that help make us full-fledged human beings. And they're absolutely things that play a big part in how an adolescent develops. I (a mostly-straight ciswoman) remember pining over boy after boy when I was 12-17 years old. I wrote pages and pages in my diary. I had long, fraught conversations and passed notes with my friends. And I had honest talks with my mom about them. I can only imagine how difficult it would have been if (1) those thoughts and urges were something that I had been made to feel ashamed of, and (2) my mom refused to talk with me about them.