Do you regret getting married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF and I have been discussing marriage. We've been together 1.5 years, and known each other almost 2 years. We met online but we really clicked and everything has always been pretty agreeable until now.

We're looking at buying a home together, but what he wants and what I want are totally different things. He wants more of a country lifestyle, moving far away to a place like Frederick whereas I grew up in MoCo and would love to raise children to be in a diverse community and have similar experiences to my own. He would be able to work remotely and still earn a DC based salary, but I would have to find a new job and probably a significant commute with a cut in salary. The catch though is I have student loans that I'm afraid will cripple our mortgage interest rate so the idea is to just have his name on the deed. Is this a stupid move? Am I shooting myself in the foot by not being a part of the deed? I would still be contributing financially to the mortgage and family expenses, but he makes about 2 times as much as I do, currently, and may be even more than that if we make this home purchase and move to Frederick.

To some degree it feels like if things doesn't pan out for us, I could be at a severe loss. I already feel like I'm compromising a lot of things to make this relationship work like giving up the ability to be close in to family and friends so I feel like I'm losing a huge support network which to him (an introvert) matters less. I also don't get to stay at my job or work remotely which he can do and I'm afraid there could be resentment down the road from me toward him which wouldn't be healthy for a new marriage.

I don't really know what's the right step to take next. Has anyone regretted getting married, but stayed in the marriage?

I wouldn't go for any of this. He sounds very self absorbed and not at all connected to you. A house in Frederick with your name not on the deed? No, do not pay anything towards any of that. Why is he even talking about buying a house before you are married if he wants to marry you? I'd just continue on with my life - do not move in with him or give him any money. If he changed course and wants to make a life with you (not just for himself) then do that if you still want to. I'd be really unimpressed by all of this.
Tell him to enjoy his house in Frederick and tell him you hope he visits you in your apartment in MoCo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can get the mortgage but also add you to the deed. Do not agree to paying house expenses and mortgage without being on the deed or married for your financial protection. I suspect you'll get very resentful of the lifestyle he wants.

THIS!

[Anonymous]

Moving to Frederick? I'd leave him.

[Anonymous]

Instead of all the hassle with a house, why not just rent a nice apartment or rent a house for the first 2 or 3 years of the marriage? Maybe save up more to eliminate Mortgage Insurance fee.

By renting you aren't tied down with a mortgage if you need to move to a better job, and you can spend the time researching and coming to an agreement where both of you would like to live. Especially if there is a baby on the way and you discover the current house doesn't fell right to raise a family.

And if BoyFriend turns out to be Boy From Hell Husband there is no regrets and a huge sigh of relief of "Whew, dodged a bullet! Don't have to worry about deeds or defaulted loans."

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving to Frederick? I'd leave him.

A City Girl with Student Loan debt.... he should leave her.

[Anonymous]

One possible compromise: could you buy a small place in MoCo and then buy a very small weekend place somewhere in the wilderness? You could both have a good commuting location during the week and spend weekends out in nature.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to give some feedback as I went through a similar situation. My husband wanted to live more than an hour away from our jobs. We compromised and bought a starter home halfway. We had that for ten years to build up equity. We then bought our final home an hour away from our jobs. Eventually I quit because home repairs, appliance repairs, automobile repairs, etc. all required some one to be near by. We did not have children. If you are career oriented, live near your job. If you are home oriented, get something nice further out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving to Frederick? I'd leave him.

+100!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of all the hassle with a house, why not just rent a nice apartment or rent a house for the first 2 or 3 years of the marriage? Maybe save up more to eliminate Mortgage Insurance fee.

By renting you aren't tied down with a mortgage if you need to move to a better job, and you can spend the time researching and coming to an agreement where both of you would like to live. Especially if there is a baby on the way and you discover the current house doesn't fell right to raise a family.

And if BoyFriend turns out to be Boy From Hell Husband there is no regrets and a huge sigh of relief of "Whew, dodged a bullet! Don't have to worry about deeds or defaulted loans."

Just a thought.

The boyfriend isn't interested in coming to agreement with her. He isn't planning his life around her and will most likely not marry her. Talking about where to raise a family is a moot point.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what the question is. Has he even asked you to move in or contribute money? Has he discussed marriage? I honestly feel like he's on a completely separate page from you. You need to be concerned with getting back on the dating scene instead of where this dude is living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can get the mortgage but also add you to the deed. Do not agree to paying house expenses and mortgage without being on the deed or married for your financial protection. I suspect you'll get very resentful of the lifestyle he wants.

This. Don't be a fool OP. Don't pay any of the mortgage until you're either married or on the deed, unless you're ok with being your boyfriend's tenant. If you split, you'll have nothing to show for it. And by moving out there you will have hindered your own finances (cut in salary etc). Look out for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone regretted getting married, but stayed in the marriage?

This question seems so premature. You don't have to get into a marriage you know you will regret!

[Anonymous]

Stupid. So very very stupid.

[Anonymous]

every. single. day

[Anonymous]

Nothing you've said makes it seem like your bf wants to marry you.