Is something wrong with him or is he just a brat?
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Anonymous
LOLOLOL I am boggled. So they get fined for bad behavior but the money they are fines buys them movie tickets? |
Anonymous
The entire family get fined for various behaviors. The money goes into a "fines " jar. Once they master a set of behaviors, I add 4 more behaviors we need to work on. Over time the jar grows. We are close to $40 and will see angry birds together. If they are engaging in bad behaviors to grow the jar (it has happened ) I GIVE them the money for fine. They have stopped that because they want the "family fun night" as we call it. Believe it or not, they were so upset getting the money back. It is amazing the behaviors we have seen change...do more shoes in the house, great table manners, no curse words (stupid included), very little physical fighting, no peeing on the seat, they flush toilets. It's stuff I've been working on forever that is corrected within a week. |
Anonymous
Yup. And it works great. They especially love pointing out when DH and I break a rule. They are on point all the time. Keeps DH and I modeling good behavior and when we dont, we pay the price just the same. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
Thanks everyone. It definitely started soon after he started K. I was hoping it would go away as he adjusts, but no! He has a couple of good friends in class, his teacher is kind (if not the star teacher). He is a little bit below grade level in reading, but is progressing quickly and started to try to read on his own recently. He is not in an academically advanced school so it should not be too much stress. He goes to three scheduled classes a week and they are sports (swimming and karate 2x/week), he loves karate, swimming not so much. Screen time: he gets about 20 mins 3x/day, more on weekends. So I take away those sessions and I don't feel guilty about such punishments. I pick him up from school, with a snack and he has a large water bottle and I make sure he has plenty to drink. At school he is ok but not a model student, he as his moments! With dad: it depends, dad doesn't always know how to de-escalate, so he gets punished more. I think sleep might have something to do with it! He falls asleep around 9-9.30 and is up at 8 (school starts at 8.30 and it's literally across the street). I tried having him in bed earlier, he doesn't fall asleep earlier really. Yes this has been going on more or less since November, I chalked it up to his adjustment but it's been too long! I am happy to hear that he is not some monsterous kid 
I will try early bedtime again, this time several days in a row. Screen time- he was without it for a week once, no significant changes in his behavior. The episode at the play place was on a day 3 of a long weekend where he got enough sleep, tons of downtime, his meals were more nutritious than on some of the school days, etc. |
Anonymous
| Op here: I forgot to add that I do praise him, a lot, and I also explain to him what went wrong, how he could do better,etc. so it's not just mechanistic punishment. |
Anonymous
| I think the punishment is not working. I would read Love and Logic and try some totally different approaches to re-enforcing appropriate behavior and not rewarding bad behavior. The punishment is escalating and not having the desired impact. So, I think I'd stop it for a while and try a different approach. I think you're getting sucked into a battle of wills with a tired (slightly overscheduled) 6 year old. My sensitive one behaves LOTS better after I give him 30 minutes of my undivided attention doing what HE wants to do. You might try that too. |
Anonymous
| get rid of screentime completely for a while, and tie consequences to behavior in a way that he can understand even when exhausted. |
Anonymous
NP here. With apologies to the OP for continuing this tangential discussion, I have to chime in to say I also don't understand this. If your children follow all of the rules, then they don't get the family fun movie? How are they incentivized by this system? This is not logical. |
Anonymous
I explained in earlier posts, as they master the list of 4 or so at a time, we move on to a new set of behaviors. We just finished up table manners and it by far was the most challenging and took the longest amount of time. In addition, thry are kids so slip ups happen, so money is still collected on old rules we've mastered. We are now working on laundry tasks. Putting dirty clothes in the hamper, running their own loads, putting clothes away (properly), and making their beds daily. They are like little police, if they see my dirty clothes on thr bathroom floor or my bed not made, they quickly demand that I pay up and get on my task. They absolutely relish "getting DH and I in trouble" as they see it. They live showing off what a better job they have done than their parents and I love that they are so unto it. |
Anonymous
| Glad it works for your family PP. it just doesn't make any damn sense is all. |
Anonymous
| OP, when this sort of bad phase happens with my kids I look at it as the demands being greater than the resources my kid has to deal with them. You can reduce demands and/or you can increase resources. One of my boys, super active--like never stops moving at home--is a total people pleaser who has never once gotten in trouble at school. I think it is probably beyond exhausting for him and I have to really make sure that he a) gets enough physical activity and b) gets tons of sleep. Otherwise, he becomes a bear. With another child, who is a real introvert, I have to limit the number of play dates (even when he asks for them!) because I know that he desperately needs a break to recharge. I think you just have to think of this balance, of the things that are not-negotiable (like school), and the other ones that are in fact completely within your control. |
Anonymous
OK? |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks everyone, I don't also mind tangenial discussions at all!
I am trying to work on increasing sleep bit by bit, but I almost never have to wake him up for school, so I guess he gets more or less enough sleep? I am trying to move bedtime earlier just in case. I will hold off the elimination of screen time for now. I remember how he was sick and stayed home for a few days and he got even more of it, but was so sweet, and he asked me- let's not go anywhere for a few days? So maybe he is overscheduled. He loves karate though. Swimming I really want him to continue for safety reasons. I will think of what I can do to help him recharge. I also don't like it that at school he gets too many treats, it's always either someone's birthday or a party to celebrate something or they have extra free snacks supplied by the school and he always wants to have some. Thank you everyone for assuring me that he is not spoiled and there isn't anything wrong with him in a big way. |
Anonymous
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OP, your scenario #1 is almost word for word a classic scenario outlined in The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.
DC comes home stressed out and on the edge. DC gets frustrated at a small thing and starts getting worked up. Parent introduces the "or else". DC loses the battle of managing frustration and an explosion ensues. Dr. Greene's advice is, in the moment, deescalate the situation (maybe something like "Hmmm .. looks like you're feeling stressed right now. Let's take a break"). Longer term, address problems proactively with your child when you're both calm. "Larlo, lately we've been having problems when you get home from school. What's up?" A 6yo may not be as articulate as an adult, but you can still find out surprising information when you ask. With the tangent, I'm fascinated but totally confused. I can see my boys really buying into "catching" us breaking the rules and heaven knows I need to work on my own frustration management. |
Anonymous
NP, makes sense to me. Very easy to follow. Not sure why this is so mysterious. It's not rocket science. -Infraction by anyone in the family fine is paid (parents are held accountable too, which is a best practice) -infractions list changes as behaviors are mastered. -over time, fine collection grows and once the fine grows big the family (all offenders ) do something fun paid for by the family. Clearly this works for said family. I personally like the concept, I can see how it would foster competition among all family members to stay on point and to call out the rule breakers. Creates accountability for everyone. I'd love to see one of us raise our hands and declare that we hold ourselves as accountable as we hold the kids. I'm sure we all have disrespectful outbursts that are unwarranted and immature. Concept is appealing because it would seem unfair for the parents just to take the money for themselves. I personally would not feel comfortable taking my kids money, but using it to bond as a family sits well with me. |