DH's ex wife constantly asks him for money

[Anonymous]

I remember when I was 12 (my parents never divorced) I read in Dear Abby about a woman that wrote in and was told all her childhood that her Dad was a deadbeat and never paid child support, etc. At 19 or 20, she went to confront her Dad, who showed her every single cancelled check.

Like a marriage, a post-marriage life only takes one person to be a fuckup in order to fall apart. When there's a remarriage there are 3 or 4 people involved and the odds of someone being a fuckup are all the greater.

If OP's husband is paying the child support and not making excuses there, then whether or not the kids get all the extras is up to discussion -- but it would probably be better if both the ex and the OP's husband pay for big ticket items 50/50 or some manner befitting their income split.

[Anonymous]

Of course it is your business and your role to set boundaries.

Here's what you do. You sit down with DH and make a budget - child support, other expenses, retirement. And then you look at what discretionary income is left and decide together how much of that you want to go to the kids if and when there is a need. Say its $300 a month. Then, next time you get a request for money that is within that amount, you can say that you're happy to take care of it if she sends you the info to order or make payment. And if it is beyond that amount, you can say that you're happy to pay for the first $300 of the cost, if she sends you the info. Rinse and repeat until she understands this is how it is going to be.

[Anonymous]

Why is DCUM so mean to second wives?? This woman already has child support and alimony. Of course it's OP's business. Her DH's salary is half hers, not the ex wife's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is DCUM so mean to second wives?? This woman already has child support and alimony. Of course it's OP's business. Her DH's salary is half hers, not the ex wife's.

+1. We don't pay the ex besides child support and alimony. That's what that money is for. We buy and do a ton for and with the kids when we have them, but that is the only money that goes directly the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

Right! The ex has to tell you what size your husband's child wears? There are multiple problems here.

+1. Weird how you treat the ex like a secretary or someone who has to submit business expenses to you. Can't you just ask the kid yourself if he/she wants to play soccer and on what team and contact the right parents/company to sign up and pay? It's not rocket science to figure this stuff out. Unless your kid is under 5, they are likely to be able to give you enough info for you to do this on your own.

[Anonymous]

I posted yesterday that the OP needed to just leave it alone, and I stand by that.

Yes, it is OP's business. Yes, it sucks to have no input. I don't disagree with that. I also think that sitting down with your husband and talking about a budget - generally - could prevent this issue.

Really, though, there is almost nothing that the OP can say in this situation that isn't going to make her seem pretty awful, at which point her husband is in a really terrible place between his bitchy ex-wife who blames him for her bad decisions and his bitchy new wife who blames him for caving to his bitchy ex-wife.

It matters how much money is being requested. The differential incomes also matters. My ex pays child support that we agreed on when we got divorced. If our daughter also needs something else expensive, he usually pays for that as well. Why? He makes 2x as much as I do. A $500 ballet class for me is saving money for several months. The same class, for him, barely registers as an expense.

Maybe his new wife is not happy that when it is time to register DD for ballet, I call him and ask if he will pay the bill. The thing is, his child support is supposed to cover her basic needs - shelter, food, clothing. Extracurricular expenses are not usually considered in the list of basic needs. If there is a disconnect between the OP, her husband, and her husband's ex about what the child needs, then that is a different conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday that the OP needed to just leave it alone, and I stand by that.

Yes, it is OP's business. Yes, it sucks to have no input. I don't disagree with that. I also think that sitting down with your husband and talking about a budget - generally - could prevent this issue.

Really, though, there is almost nothing that the OP can say in this situation that isn't going to make her seem pretty awful, at which point her husband is in a really terrible place between his bitchy ex-wife who blames him for her bad decisions and his bitchy new wife who blames him for caving to his bitchy ex-wife.

It matters how much money is being requested. The differential incomes also matters. My ex pays child support that we agreed on when we got divorced. If our daughter also needs something else expensive, he usually pays for that as well. Why? He makes 2x as much as I do. A $500 ballet class for me is saving money for several months. The same class, for him, barely registers as an expense.

Maybe his new wife is not happy that when it is time to register DD for ballet, I call him and ask if he will pay the bill. The thing is, his child support is supposed to cover her basic needs - shelter, food, clothing. Extracurricular expenses are not usually considered in the list of basic needs. If there is a disconnect between the OP, her husband, and her husband's ex about what the child needs, then that is a different conversation.

Lawyer here and that's actually not true in VA. If you read the reports and analysis from the child support guidelines review committee as well as case law the child support amount (including the contributions from both parents) is intended to cover everything except for daycare and medical bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted yesterday that the OP needed to just leave it alone, and I stand by that.

Yes, it is OP's business. Yes, it sucks to have no input. I don't disagree with that. I also think that sitting down with your husband and talking about a budget - generally - could prevent this issue.

Really, though, there is almost nothing that the OP can say in this situation that isn't going to make her seem pretty awful, at which point her husband is in a really terrible place between his bitchy ex-wife who blames him for her bad decisions and his bitchy new wife who blames him for caving to his bitchy ex-wife.

It matters how much money is being requested. The differential incomes also matters. My ex pays child support that we agreed on when we got divorced. If our daughter also needs something else expensive, he usually pays for that as well. Why? He makes 2x as much as I do. A $500 ballet class for me is saving money for several months. The same class, for him, barely registers as an expense.

Maybe his new wife is not happy that when it is time to register DD for ballet, I call him and ask if he will pay the bill. The thing is, his child support is supposed to cover her basic needs - shelter, food, clothing. Extracurricular expenses are not usually considered in the list of basic needs. If there is a disconnect between the OP, her husband, and her husband's ex about what the child needs, then that is a different conversation.

Lawyer here and that's actually not true in VA. If you read the reports and analysis from the child support guidelines review committee as well as case law the child support amount (including the contributions from both parents) is intended to cover everything except for daycare and medical bills.

So does NOT include childcare or medical expenses not covered by insurance, but DOES include optional ballet classes? That's pretty messed up. I do agree that both parents should be contributing, though.

[Anonymous]

Children are so expensive. There is always something to buy. I had no idea of the constant outlay until I had my own kids. Take a look at any parent's credit card and checkbook, not to mention the daily cash. This is one reason that we did not take in a niece and nephew. Having to account to the courts for every penny from their parent's life insurance and social security money is a PITA. We end up just paying for everyone's food, drink, snacks, clothing, tickets, etc., rather than splitting the purchases in two batches to pay with a second card and get a separate receipt. There are sitters to pay who also need to be fed, gas and parking fees. Unless we are talking about egregious spending, I would just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is DCUM so mean to second wives?? This woman already has child support and alimony. Of course it's OP's business. Her DH's salary is half hers, not the ex wife's.

+1. We don't pay the ex besides child support and alimony. That's what that money is for. We buy and do a ton for and with the kids when we have them, but that is the only money that goes directly the ex.

I would go to court to stop the alimony. A ex should only get child support. That's what we did when we had them, ex can pay for stuff she enrolls them in or when they have them. OP both of you need to 86 the ex.

[Anonymous]

My goodness, cut off contact with her. Pay the court ordered amount, her support can pay for those things. Not your problem.

You've given this sponge too much access into your lives. She'll either sink or swim, NOT your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My goodness, cut off contact with her. Pay the court ordered amount, her support can pay for those things. Not your problem.

You've given this sponge too much access into your lives. She'll either sink or swim, NOT your problem.

Cut off contact with the mother of your child

Great plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was it on her to pick the shoes, clothes, etc? Take the kid shopping for goodness sake!

I did this with my ex because she wanted specific things for our kids and I cared less about that kind of stuff. In the beginning if the child support wasn't enough for the kid's clothes, shoes, etc. I could take the kids shopping but she'd end up complaining that I got the wrongs kind of shoes, wrong fabric pants, etc. So she sent me a list of what they needed and I ordered it. I wouldn't give her more cash because she had a history of taking money meant for the kids and spending it on herself. It's how she ran up huge credit card bills when we were married, and one of the reasons for our divorce.

[Anonymous]

My husband buys and pays for those extras directly. He doesn't hand more money over the to ex-wife. She gets $2,500 a month in child support. But he does pay for things like extra shoes, coats, activities, field trips, when asked. But DIRECTLY.

[Anonymous]

"If your dh's ex won't provide that sort of information to register her then personally I wouldn't give her the money for those things. For clothes and shoes take her shopping yourselves."

We did that for SS. Never saw him wear the items again Found out later that the ex wife returned the items for cash and spent the money on drugs and gambling.