Psycho estranged mother invaded my Mother's Day

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who grew up with a mother like this. She is handled with a 25 and a half foot pole. My friend's husband runs interference when she starts to show signs of nasty. Everyone knows this is a mental illness... one that makes you really, really difficult to live and interact with. I'm sorry she has a bunch of enablers who help her make your life miserable.

From what I hear, ignore and estrange are the ways to go if she gets under your skin.

And, as you know, it's not your fault. it might not even be fully your mother's fault. She's got bad wiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds severely mentally ill. Who is helping her get treatment, since you're apparently not up for the task?

OP here. I've sought a lot of advice about her over the decades and the concensus -- both from my own therapists and three relatives who are therapists-- is that she has a personality disorder. It's not something you can medicate away like a mood disorder or anxiety. Therapy for these disorders can work eventually if the person really wants it and works hard at. The problem is, people with these disorders, my mother included, think that there is nothing wrong with them. To her, everyone is either an appendage that exists to serve her, the main organism, or an enemy. If you suggest she did something wrong you become the enemy. First she gas lights (person with criticism is very ill, selfish, or deluded). Then she rages. Then she starts rallyimg her flying monkeys - a couple of sycophantic friends and her sister -- to go after the person who crossed her.

This woman has never apologized for anything in her life, nor admitted even the slightlest imperfection.

When I was a kid my brother tried to kill himself and the doctor recommended family therapy. We all went once. My mother spent the entire session complaining about how her husband and kids were ungrateful, cruel, and more trouble than she could bear. I was ten. Brother was thirteen. My brother actually asked the therapist to take us away from her.

Bottom line, therapy is for people who want to change. It's for people who want to have decent relationships and be their best selves. It's not for someone who believes that the best change involves bullying others into buying what you're selling.

I am not the PP above. OP, I'm sorry for your awful situation. I was glad to see your response here and to see that you've gotten or are getting therapy yourself, so you can navigate life and understand your own upbringing with such a difficult, sick person as your mom. Good for you for getting that therapy.

I am actually wondering here if your brother is OK now. The example of a boy of 13 asking a therapist on the FIRST visit to remove him from his parents is -- beyond sad.

One thought that may or may not apply to your situation, OP: Most schools and organizations (like scouts, churches/synagogues etc.) are good about this now, and don't hand off a kid to anyone who claims to be a relative...but just in case, do be sure that you explicitly notify schools, preschools, activities, etc. that your mother is not permitted to pick up your child. (I'm betting you've already done this!)

It sounds as if your mom's attentions are limited and she has not tried anything like turning up at a child's school or activity unexpectedly, and that is good. But I have seen a case where a person who was a relative (not grandparent) of a kid turned up at the kid's activity events (sports games, theatre performances) that were technically open to anyone. The parents, for reasons I won't go into, did not want this relative anywhere near their children but couldn't do much about attendance at a public event as there was no restraining order. Again, this doesn't sound like your mom's MO, and I hope she now disappears for good, but just in case, I'd maybe tell the directors of any activities, as well as schools, that she has no pickup rights and you should be called instantly if she turns up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, PP, both for the affirmation and for your constructive and practical suggestions.

My brother is not well. He's in his late 40s and extremely limited. He hates both parents but became so warped over years with them that he can't hold down a job or maintain relationships. He's something of a recluse. I worry about him but he's become so paranoid that he won't let anyone help or even visit. My parents support him financially. He is an object lesson in what would have happened to me if I hadn't found the strength to leave.

My mother actually did try to take my child out of school. That was part of our breaking point with her. She is now barred from school property. The ways she's crossed the line are too many to count, and we've been steadfastly building walls and plugging leaks in them for years.

Fortunately we all have some very good people in our lives -- friends, cousins, uncles and aunts (other than my mom's lackey), and people we know through our volunteer work.

I spend a ton of time on community service, particularly mentoring. It really helps to offer a hand up to someone who needs a caring adult. I think about how much quicker my road to a happy adult life would have been if I'd had a trusted adult. Being that person is easy and rewarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PP, both for the affirmation and for your constructive and practical suggestions.

My brother is not well. He's in his late 40s and extremely limited. He hates both parents but became so warped over years with them that he can't hold down a job or maintain relationships. He's something of a recluse. I worry about him but he's become so paranoid that he won't let anyone help or even visit. My parents support him financially. He is an object lesson in what would have happened to me if I hadn't found the strength to leave.

My mother actually did try to take my child out of school. That was part of our breaking point with her. She is now barred from school property. The ways she's crossed the line are too many to count, and we've been steadfastly building walls and plugging leaks in them for years.

Fortunately we all have some very good people in our lives -- friends, cousins, uncles and aunts (other than my mom's lackey), and people we know through our volunteer work.

I spend a ton of time on community service, particularly mentoring. It really helps to offer a hand up to someone who needs a caring adult. I think about how much quicker my road to a happy adult life would have been if I'd had a trusted adult. Being that person is easy and rewarding.

This was my nightmare fear when my mother was alive. Thank you for protecting your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, PP, both for the affirmation and for your constructive and practical suggestions.

My brother is not well. He's in his late 40s and extremely limited. He hates both parents but became so warped over years with them that he can't hold down a job or maintain relationships. He's something of a recluse. I worry about him but he's become so paranoid that he won't let anyone help or even visit. My parents support him financially. He is an object lesson in what would have happened to me if I hadn't found the strength to leave.

My mother actually did try to take my child out of school. That was part of our breaking point with her. She is now barred from school property. The ways she's crossed the line are too many to count, and we've been steadfastly building walls and plugging leaks in them for years.

Fortunately we all have some very good people in our lives -- friends, cousins, uncles and aunts (other than my mom's lackey), and people we know through our volunteer work.

I spend a ton of time on community service, particularly mentoring. It really helps to offer a hand up to someone who needs a caring adult. I think about how much quicker my road to a happy adult life would have been if I'd had a trusted adult. Being that person is easy and rewarding.

Restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Commiseration here. Not exactly estranged (yet), but a family function a few weeks ago has given me more pause (and courage) to distance myself and my family than ever. Sad, but sometimes must be done. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am actually so happy I read this thread today. I also cut my mom out of my life a few years ago for the same reasons. And like you, once in a while I get contacted and it always sucks, even if I ignore it. I am also in the same category as you as I have focused on having positive relationships in my life and shielding my children from my mother.

To the pp who said that you would go crazy if your adult children cut you out of their lives; nobody wants to not have a mother so if you are cut off I can promise you its for a damn good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am actually so happy I read this thread today. I also cut my mom out of my life a few years ago for the same reasons. And like you, once in a while I get contacted and it always sucks, even if I ignore it. I am also in the same category as you as I have focused on having positive relationships in my life and shielding my children from my mother.

To the pp who said that you would go crazy if your adult children cut you out of their lives; nobody wants to not have a mother so if you are cut off I can promise you its for a damn good reason.

Some moms are crazy before they get cut out of their kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds severely mentally ill. Who is helping her get treatment, since you're apparently not up for the task?

OP here. I've sought a lot of advice about her over the decades and the concensus -- both from my own therapists and three relatives who are therapists-- is that she has a personality disorder. It's not something you can medicate away like a mood disorder or anxiety. Therapy for these disorders can work eventually if the person really wants it and works hard at. The problem is, people with these disorders, my mother included, think that there is nothing wrong with them. To her, everyone is either an appendage that exists to serve her, the main organism, or an enemy. If you suggest she did something wrong you become the enemy. First she gas lights (person with criticism is very ill, selfish, or deluded). Then she rages. Then she starts rallyimg her flying monkeys - a couple of sycophantic friends and her sister -- to go after the person who crossed her.

This woman has never apologized for anything in her life, nor admitted even the slightlest imperfection.

When I was a kid my brother tried to kill himself and the doctor recommended family therapy. We all went once. My mother spent the entire session complaining about how her husband and kids were ungrateful, cruel, and more trouble than she could bear. I was ten. Brother was thirteen. My brother actually asked the therapist to take us away from her.

Bottom line, therapy is for people who want to change. It's for people who want to have decent relationships and be their best selves. It's not for someone who believes that the best change involves bullying others into buying what you're selling.

This all sounds so familiar OP. We have this in our extended family and the affected family members are too much under her spell to get out. Thank goodness you were able to emerge from that darkness.

[Anonymous]

I'm in awe of you, OP. You sound very stable and self-aware for someone who endured so much at a young age. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. She sounds a lot like my mil. My BIL was "the bad one" in her eyes growing up. MIL and FIL sent him away to military school as punishment. He actually loved it and thrived being away from the family. Once they saw that he was happy, they brought him home, naturally. It amazes me that dh and his brother have done as well as they have.