Can a woman text a man first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he started "chasing" you over 20 years ago. Many things have changed in the last 20-25 years.

[Anonymous]

I think this ties into the "women dating over 30" thread.

The older you are, the less you can rely on being chased. A 35 year woman talking about how she believes that men should chase her is laughable. Sorry. Being chased is very young woman's game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he started "chasing" you over 20 years ago. Many things have changed in the last 20-25 years.

Haha, ok, I'm 32, so no.
If a guy is really interested in you, he'll text you, he'll try to see you, etc. Texting you is hardly a romance novel story, as you seemed to imply above. If he can't even be bothered to get into contact with you, he's either a) a wimp or b) doesn't want you that badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

+1. You want him to be really into you from the get go, enough to pursue you. Otherwise he might just be lukewarm and take what he gets, which is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

[Anonymous]

I think the man posting that today men have porn, and tinder, and everything else and so are less motivated to "chase" thinks that by "pursue" we mean jump through crazy hoops. That is not what I mean (I'm the PP who said my DH pursued me). I just mean he tried to see me and was consistent about it. I didn't reject him constantly and make him balance balls on the tip of his nose - I liked him, so I always said yes and reciprocated his interest.

I just wanted to clarify that I agree that OP (and women in general) shouldn't be unrealistic about the effort a man might put in. But do expect some basic level of effort and interest at the outset! If he'd rather watch porn than shower and take you out for a drink, you don't want him!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

+1. You want him to be really into you from the get go, enough to pursue you. Otherwise he might just be lukewarm and take what he gets, which is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

The idea that an uninterested man is going to marry a woman who he is "lukewarm" about, only because she approached him first, is silly. If he isn't interested, he's probably not going to stay with you that long anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he started "chasing" you over 20 years ago. Many things have changed in the last 20-25 years.

Haha, ok, I'm 32, so no.
If a guy is really interested in you, he'll text you, he'll try to see you, etc. Texting you is hardly a romance novel story, as you seemed to imply above. If he can't even be bothered to get into contact with you, he's either a) a wimp or b) doesn't want you that badly.

OK, but it's much easier to play the "I'll just sit back and let the boys chase me" game when you are young.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I thought about everything you all had to say. I spent the last decade playing mind games with my ex-husband...I'm done doing that. I decided to text him. He was hopping on a flight and said he'd text me later. Never heard back from him. I'm not upset that I texted him first.
I'm 34 by the way, which hardly makes me undesirable.
If men are done chasing women by the time they are my age, then I guess my dating days are going to be a little different than they used to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

+1. You want him to be really into you from the get go, enough to pursue you. Otherwise he might just be lukewarm and take what he gets, which is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

The idea that an uninterested man is going to marry a woman who he is "lukewarm" about, only because she approached him first, is silly. If he isn't interested, he's probably not going to stay with you that long anyway.

Unfortunately, I disagree with this. I think people of both sexes can end up staying in relationships where the other person essentially does all of the emotional heavy lifting and makes it really easy because it's easy and they are insecure or who knows what else. It's sadly common. And I think when you hear stories about women getting left and cheated on early in the marriage for no conceivable reason, it's essentially because the guy was never truly committed enough, and just went through with the marriage because of inertia.

Life is long, and marriage can be hard, best to start off in the best possible circumstances.

I agree a woman in her 30's needs to be proactive, but that doesn't have to mean doing the initiating early in the relationship. To mean, it means being on dating sites, going to places where men go (like outdoor sports meet-ups etc.), being in shape, having your life reasonably together, and having a pleasant personality. If you do all of those things, sooner or later a man will put in a little effort for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

+1. You want him to be really into you from the get go, enough to pursue you. Otherwise he might just be lukewarm and take what he gets, which is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

The idea that an uninterested man is going to marry a woman who he is "lukewarm" about, only because she approached him first, is silly. If he isn't interested, he's probably not going to stay with you that long anyway.

Unfortunately, I disagree with this. I think people of both sexes can end up staying in relationships where the other person essentially does all of the emotional heavy lifting and makes it really easy because it's easy and they are insecure or who knows what else. It's sadly common. And I think when you hear stories about women getting left and cheated on early in the marriage for no conceivable reason, it's essentially because the guy was never truly committed enough, and just went through with the marriage because of inertia.

Life is long, and marriage can be hard, best to start off in the best possible circumstances.

I agree a woman in her 30's needs to be proactive, but that doesn't have to mean doing the initiating early in the relationship. To mean, it means being on dating sites, going to places where men go (like outdoor sports meet-ups etc.), being in shape, having your life reasonably together, and having a pleasant personality. If you do all of those things, sooner or later a man will put in a little effort for you.

+1 to all of this. I agree completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what kind of relationship you want.

If he is a confidant go getter, he WILL text you if he is interested.

If you're ok with a shy, more passive guy, then go ahead and text.

I wouldn't be.

The problem with this is that it assumes that he is passive and shy because he isn't asking you out. It's likely that you are one of many women on his radar. Men don't usually just have one woman that they pine after and "chase" until she relents, like some Nora Ephron screenplay. Men are more like door to door salesman. And today, you are competing with things like Tinder, where a guy can just "swipe" dozens of women at a time.

I am the PP. I get your point, which is why i wrote that if he is interested.

It's best not to waste time as a woman with men who are only luke warm interested. My DH pursued me very hotly, and to this day he is a very attentive, loving husband. I honestly think this is because I am very much his ideal type, hence his focused pursuit early on.

I've seen too many women date men who are "meh" about them - it's just a recipe for disaster, imho.

+1. You want him to be really into you from the get go, enough to pursue you. Otherwise he might just be lukewarm and take what he gets, which is a recipe for disaster in the long term.

The idea that an uninterested man is going to marry a woman who he is "lukewarm" about, only because she approached him first, is silly. If he isn't interested, he's probably not going to stay with you that long anyway.

Unfortunately, I disagree with this. I think people of both sexes can end up staying in relationships where the other person essentially does all of the emotional heavy lifting and makes it really easy because it's easy and they are insecure or who knows what else. It's sadly common. And I think when you hear stories about women getting left and cheated on early in the marriage for no conceivable reason, it's essentially because the guy was never truly committed enough, and just went through with the marriage because of inertia.

Life is long, and marriage can be hard, best to start off in the best possible circumstances.

I agree a woman in her 30's needs to be proactive, but that doesn't have to mean doing the initiating early in the relationship. To mean, it means being on dating sites, going to places where men go (like outdoor sports meet-ups etc.), being in shape, having your life reasonably together, and having a pleasant personality. If you do all of those things, sooner or later a man will put in a little effort for you.

So, if a 35 year old, professional, women knows a man that she is interested in, she can't just text him, offering to meet up for for lunch, knowing that it could lead to something more?

"First dates" don't have to be a big deal. It's really just about giving someone the opportunity to reciprocate if they are interested.

[Anonymous]

Apparently if she reaches out first, they enter a loveless marriage.

[Anonymous]

How did the number exchange come about? Did you ask him, or did he ask you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the number exchange come about? Did you ask him, or did he ask you?

He asked me. We spent the night flirting. Kind of pisses me off.