Is it uncomfortable for married women to hang out with divorced women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who think the "divorce is contagious" argument is ridiculous:

"Divorce represents the dissolution of a social tie, but it is also possible that attitudes about divorce flow across social ties. To explore how social networks influence divorce and vice versa, we exploit a longitudinal data set from the long-running Framingham Heart Study. The results suggest that divorce can spread between friends. Clusters of divorces extend to two degrees of separation in the network. Popular people are less likely to get divorced, divorcees have denser social networks, and they are much more likely to remarry other divorcees. Interestingly, the presence of children does not influence the likelihood of divorce, but each child reduces the susceptibility to being influenced by peers who get divorced. Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages may serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship, and that, from a policy perspective, divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected."

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708

I think this argument is ridiculous, because there are not enough divorces to make a happy couple split. While unhappy couples are much better off when they realize they have a viable option to leave a happier life.

[Anonymous]

^^lead a happier life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: Divorce is 100% socially acceptable LOL

If you think that no one has some anxiety about divorcing because of what the people around them will think then you don't understand most humans. Of course it is socially acceptable but it can make someone feel like a failure and feel embarrassed about not being successful in this life endeavor. And therefore nervous about how people will perceive them after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who think the "divorce is contagious" argument is ridiculous:

"Divorce represents the dissolution of a social tie, but it is also possible that attitudes about divorce flow across social ties. To explore how social networks influence divorce and vice versa, we exploit a longitudinal data set from the long-running Framingham Heart Study. The results suggest that divorce can spread between friends. Clusters of divorces extend to two degrees of separation in the network. Popular people are less likely to get divorced, divorcees have denser social networks, and they are much more likely to remarry other divorcees. Interestingly, the presence of children does not influence the likelihood of divorce, but each child reduces the susceptibility to being influenced by peers who get divorced. Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages may serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship, and that, from a policy perspective, divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected."

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708

I think this argument is ridiculous, because there are not enough divorces to make a happy couple split. While unhappy couples are much better off when they realize they have a viable option to leave a happier life.

It is a pretty known societal trend, sorry that conflicts with your opinion. I think you are right when it comes to the happiest couples, they will never divorce. The question comes down to couples who are in a rough patch that they could have otherwise gotten through. MANY people would say that when they had young children their marriage wasn't at its strongest. So if you have 3 under 3 and you and DH are exhausted and two of your friends get divorced and you are stuck in the daily grind with young kids, less sex, less money, more irritability, life isn't what you thought it would be. Then their divorce makes something that was a theoretical option more real and you might be less willing to stick it out. Those couples are not necessarily happier after that.

[Anonymous]

Do you spend a lot of time complaining about your STBXH and re-hashing your divorce proceedings? Or talking about all of the dating you're doing?

I have one friend going through a divorce, and the friend spends every moment we are together discussing STBX, new dating life, and custody battles. I just can't relate to any of this, so it makes it hard to hang out with this friend. I have no idea what to say, and it gets old just listening to someone complain.

I realize that makes me sound like a terrible friend, but no one wants to solely listen to someone trash the person they were married to.

[Anonymous]

All of the divorced people I know were not "couple" friends; that is, I was much better friends with one half of the couple before the divorce, so there was no big change during or after.

If we were friends with both people equally, it could make socializing tricky, especially if one partner is trying to get gossip.

Also, when I meet people now who are already divorced, I do feel like I have to edit what I say more since I don't want to come across as a "smug married" or somehow accidentally imply something insulting.

I was at a Christmas coffee thing with some moms from my son's class, and one mom said something to another about how well the other mom's son was handling the divorce. It became very clear that this was the wrong thing to say, and very awkward. I think it's like any major life event that happens to someone you are not close to; it's hard to know if or how to acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Not uncomfortable for me at all. I don't have many divorced friends yet but likely will have more as life goes on. We still get together for play dates on her weekends with the kids. I don't get invited to the single ladies stuff and that's fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you spend a lot of time complaining about your STBXH and re-hashing your divorce proceedings? Or talking about all of the dating you're doing?

I have one friend going through a divorce, and the friend spends every moment we are together discussing STBX, new dating life, and custody battles. I just can't relate to any of this, so it makes it hard to hang out with this friend. I have no idea what to say, and it gets old just listening to someone complain.

I realize that makes me sound like a terrible friend, but no one wants to solely listen to someone trash the person they were married to.

+1 This.

Also, my DH and I were friends with your ex-DH. We don't believe he is Satan and have no desire to listen to you trash the guy.

[Anonymous]

"I certainly had friends who treated me like I had the plague when I got divorced."

I certainly had friends/coworkers. who treated me like I had the plague when I was widowed.

[Anonymous]

No, it is not uncomfortable for me. But I do find that some of my divorced friends seem to have more time to hang out and want to get together more often than I do, because they don't have their kids 50 percent of the time, and so they have more free time. I like seeing them, but have different availability and constraints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I certainly had friends who treated me like I had the plague when I got divorced."

I certainly had friends/coworkers. who treated me like I had the plague when I was widowed.

Really? Jeez that completely sucks. I am so sorry for your loss and lack of supportive friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who think the "divorce is contagious" argument is ridiculous:

"Divorce represents the dissolution of a social tie, but it is also possible that attitudes about divorce flow across social ties. To explore how social networks influence divorce and vice versa, we exploit a longitudinal data set from the long-running Framingham Heart Study. The results suggest that divorce can spread between friends. Clusters of divorces extend to two degrees of separation in the network. Popular people are less likely to get divorced, divorcees have denser social networks, and they are much more likely to remarry other divorcees. Interestingly, the presence of children does not influence the likelihood of divorce, but each child reduces the susceptibility to being influenced by peers who get divorced. Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages may serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship, and that, from a policy perspective, divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected."

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1490708

Yeap. I've noticed: (1) people take a real interest in learning about the divorce process and that people who are divorced like to tell war stories and give advice. These folks are likely to get divorced. (2) many married folks like to cheer the first group on and love to hear the gossip because it is some sort of vicarious release for them. The result appears to be that those who are on the edge get pulled by those who already went over the edge and they also get pushed by those who haven't yet (or do not intend) to go over the edge.

I think this argument is ridiculous, because there are not enough divorces to make a happy couple split. While unhappy couples are much better off when they realize they have a viable option to leave a happier life.

It is a pretty known societal trend, sorry that conflicts with your opinion. I think you are right when it comes to the happiest couples, they will never divorce. The question comes down to couples who are in a rough patch that they could have otherwise gotten through. MANY people would say that when they had young children their marriage wasn't at its strongest. So if you have 3 under 3 and you and DH are exhausted and two of your friends get divorced and you are stuck in the daily grind with young kids, less sex, less money, more irritability, life isn't what you thought it would be. Then their divorce makes something that was a theoretical option more real and you might be less willing to stick it out. Those couples are not necessarily happier after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you spend a lot of time complaining about your STBXH and re-hashing your divorce proceedings? Or talking about all of the dating you're doing?

I have one friend going through a divorce, and the friend spends every moment we are together discussing STBX, new dating life, and custody battles. I just can't relate to any of this, so it makes it hard to hang out with this friend. I have no idea what to say, and it gets old just listening to someone complain.

I realize that makes me sound like a terrible friend, but no one wants to solely listen to someone trash the person they were married to.

I really do agree with this (and I'm a single mom, went thru a divorce 3 years ago).

In other words, some friends and I drifted apart because our dynamic was one of a couple. That made sense and I wasn't sad to see these relationships fade out, as our socializing was very "couple-ish."

Some of my married friends and I are still very close. But I make a very careful effort NOT to complain about my X or be filled with negative thoughts and energy. We talk about kids, politics, recipes we're trying, school and school problems... It's great but no one (especially someone who is happily married) wants a bellyache of miserable tales of what a jerk and all the terrible things an X is doing...

I've made some great friendships with single moms, but just as my friends don't want to only hear tales of misery and woe, nor do I. I've met some single moms and while I respect their need to vent I've let the relationships fade because the person seems to only want to complain and not discuss anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I certainly had friends who treated me like I had the plague when I got divorced."

I certainly had friends/coworkers. who treated me like I had the plague when I was widowed.

Really? Jeez that completely sucks. I am so sorry for your loss and lack of supportive friends.

I'm so sorry as well. That's really a double whammy of suckyness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce does follow epidemiological patterns.

But, that's incidental. I know my wife didn't hang around as much with some of her friends after their divorce simply because their social activities switched from family-focused to those of a single woman -- mainly my wife didn't want to go hang out in bars with single women who had their eye out for a hook up.

However, when we have parties and social gatherings at our house, those women are very welcome to attend.

This is me exactly. I'm very happily married, but with little kids and busy jobs, I do feel wistful about the parties and social life of singlehood. I have a casual friend whose best friend divorced last year --my friend has spent the past year going to bars and otherwise supporting the single life of her recently divorced friend. She then announced last week that she is now divorcing. She thinks her husband is a great guy (he is), but there's no spark anymore (read: she doesn't want to sleep with him). I still care about her, but don't expect to see her as often. I don't want to be going to bars and acting the wing-man for single friends; I'd rather give a little insulation to my marriage from that sort of temptation.