If someone "jokingly" said something sexual to you that was annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for validating my extreme discomfort. I am not good at being assertive. Given the content, would you share with a supervisor or just take the "eww, inappropriate" tactic.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off. "I am not interested in you that way and you're in my personal space. Please move back and do not touch me or talk to me this way again." The "eww, inappropriate" is too wishy-washy. Be straightforward and direct.

If it reoccurs after that, I'd go to a supervisor and HR.

Oh, and I meant to add -- there is no need to wait for him to do it again. You can corner him in the hallway and say, "John, I did not like what you said to me the other day. I am not interested in anything except a professional working relationship. Please do not speak to me that way again."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for validating my extreme discomfort. I am not good at being assertive. Given the content, would you share with a supervisor or just take the "eww, inappropriate" tactic.

You should be more than disgusted. You should be insulted. Tell him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. He is not a winner that's for sure

[Anonymous]

Sad to say, but in my experience, there really is no winning in this scenario. Whether you ignore it, confront him yourself, or tell someone in management or HR, the results will be the same at the end of the day.

Even in a "good" scenario, where management confronts the guy and wants to do the right thing, they usually haven't got a plan for picking up the pieces after they lower the boom. So, unless the transgression was so bad they absolutely have to fire him, the discipline just pisses the guy off and now he wants revenge. Sure, it's also against the rules to retaliate, but now he knows you'll tell and it will get more subtle, closer to gas lighting. Management will move on to other challenges thinking they did the right thing and you'll be the one who will have to figure out how to work with an angry snake. (Or worse, an angry snake + all the friends he's got on his side since he's now the victim of the feminist aggressor who played her woman card against him for some harmless water cooler talk.)

On the other hand, if you don't say anything, he'll just keep upping the ante. Like a pp said, he'll think your lack of a definitive "no" is an invitation. It will get worse, though it can take a bit of time before that happens and in that time you may find a new career opportunity that resolves the problem by getting you out of his reach. OTOH, if you give him a definitive "no" privately and right away, you get right back into that revenge category and he'll start looking for quieter ways to undercut you.

None of these options are happy ones, unfortunately. It's just so crappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

PP, are/were you working in government?

[Anonymous]

"I'll forget you said that--this time." And stride away.

[Anonymous]

Yes government...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes government...

Definitely go to your manager!

As far as responses, I think I'd say, "Do you know that you just said that out loud? Don't do it again. Back up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

PP, are/were you working in government?

No, a fortune 500. In the private sector, HR is only there to protect the company not the employee. They looked at the situation, decided a bunch of 22 and 23 year olds were unlikely to pursue litigation, and dropped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for validating my extreme discomfort. I am not good at being assertive. Given the content, would you share with a supervisor or just take the "eww, inappropriate" tactic.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off. "I am not interested in you that way and you're in my personal space. Please move back and do not touch me or talk to me this way again." The "eww, inappropriate" is too wishy-washy. Be straightforward and direct.

If it reoccurs after that, I'd go to a supervisor and HR.

I don't think "that's inappropriate" is an insufficient first response if OP is confident she can say it without softening it like she's joking or something. I think the stronger response, while warranted from a moral perspective, might cause more of a headache than necessary under the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think the best responses would be short and direct. "That's inappropriate" and "Please don't make comments like that" are both good options.

The worst option is to respond to it but soften it too much, making it sound playful or joking. Conversely, I think both a several sentence explanation of why it was inappropriate or going to HR would be overkill and counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best responses would be short and direct. "That's inappropriate" and "Please don't make comments like that" are both good options.

The worst option is to respond to it but soften it too much, making it sound playful or joking. Conversely, I think both a several sentence explanation of why it was inappropriate or going to HR would be overkill and counterproductive.

This. And stay physically as far away as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

PP, are/were you working in government?

No, a fortune 500. In the private sector, HR is only there to protect the company not the employee. They looked at the situation, decided a bunch of 22 and 23 year olds were unlikely to pursue litigation, and dropped it.

BS. In any Fortune 500 you'd have a lot of leverage to make your case. They are afraid of liability and bad publicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

PP, are/were you working in government?

No, a fortune 500. In the private sector, HR is only there to protect the company not the employee. They looked at the situation, decided a bunch of 22 and 23 year olds were unlikely to pursue litigation, and dropped it.

BS. In any Fortune 500 you'd have a lot of leverage to make your case. They are afraid of liability and bad publicity.

Unfortunately, not BS. They did nothing and he was allowed to stay in charge of everyone that had complained about his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Honestly. Look at the person with a straight face and say I find that really inappropriate or I find that really offensive. If they respond with I was only joking - your response is - It is really inappropriate and not funny.