If someone "jokingly" said something sexual to you that was annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

I'd get a lawyer. That's ridiculous.

There are actually legal protections you have as an employee, and one of them is not to be sexually harassed. The fact that he threatened you after you reported it gives you an even stronger case.

I would never tolerate a supervisor who sexually harassed me, especially unwanted touching. Blech. No job is worth that.

I know that now, thankfully. At the time, I was a naive recent college grad that believed all the onboarding bullshit about company culture and whatnot.

At this point, if I ever have something similar happen, HR will get the required notification so show I did my due diligence and if action isn't taken (and I will always assume it won't be from now on) it's straight to a lawyer for me. Also helps that I have since married a lawyer that knows an awful lot about employment law.

I think it's a shame that more people (especially young people) aren't aware of legal protections they have. I think your experience is probably not unique. A lot of recent college grads are so happy to have a job and so unsure of the workplace rules, spoken and unspoken, that they don't realize what legal rights they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the level of sexual content, I'd let it pass the first time and if it happened again, would confront him/her and say that was inappropriate and I hope I don't have to hear it again.

+1 Not worth running to HR over low level annoyances, especially if the person is truly just joking inappropriately and just needs a few reminders that that type of workplace conduct is considered sexual harassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's low-level (not serious enough for HR, but obnoxious) I usually try to insult the person for being old/unattractive. Jokingly, but just mean enough that it isn't "fun banter" and kind of hurts their feelings. E.g. "No thanks old man, doubt you can even stay up that late."

This is horrible advice because if it escalates and you do have to go to HR, the other person has a claim of harassment against you. Age is a protected class, so joking about someone's age (the "old man" comment) is a no-no. So if the person continues to make comments and the comments get worse, you've backed yourself in a corner because going to HR means that you will likely be reprimanded as well for your comments.

If anyone ever says anything that borders on sexual harassment, the best thing to do is not in any way indulge it or participate in it or banter back. It might start out as "low level," but you never know when it will reach a level that it makes you miserable on a regular basis and you have no choice but to go to HR.

And while we're at it, I don't think there is such a thing as "low level" when we're talking about sexual comments in the workplace.

It is also bad advice because the type of guy who would make the comment in the first place would take your response as playing along with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, nobody can answer without knowing what was said.

[Anonymous]

Op here: it was something along the lines of "I know you want me, stop trying to rub up against me all the time." Said as a "joke." While giving me zero physical space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: it was something along the lines of "I know you want me, stop trying to rub up against me all the time." Said as a "joke." While giving me zero physical space.

Just be careful. Men like this are dumb. (or women). If you don't explicitly say you are not interested, they will take your silence as approval of their actions. I'd threaten HR myself, but I can understand why you may not want to. Just be crystal clear you are NOT interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: it was something along the lines of "I know you want me, stop trying to rub up against me all the time." Said as a "joke." While giving me zero physical space.

Do NOT ignore or let things like this go.

I might say something like this on the first go round:

"Seriously?! That's not true. And completely inappropriate. [Lift hand in a stop sign in between us while then saying . . . ] Please give me some space."

If he then follows up with another inappropriate comment:

"Do you really want me to go to HR? This is not ok."

If he says I can't take a joke:

"This is not a joke. It's offensive. You need to stop."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: it was something along the lines of "I know you want me, stop trying to rub up against me all the time." Said as a "joke." While giving me zero physical space.

Could you just say "eww, is that supposed to be a joke?" with a disgusted face and walk away?

I had an overly touchy coworker who definitely had a crush on me and I was really torn about how to respond, whether to say anything, and how to say it so as to not make it a bigger deal than it was. Then one day, his hand suddenly on me just caught me so off guard that my natural reaction of jumping back, exclaiming "oh!", and immediately taking some personal space conveyed all that needed to be conveyed, without a formal sit-down talk or a big tell-off scene from me.

Allow yourself to react naturally. He's disgusting you, right? Don't be mean about it, but don't hide it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here: it was something along the lines of "I know you want me, stop trying to rub up against me all the time." Said as a "joke." While giving me zero physical space.

Do NOT ignore or let things like this go.

I might say something like this on the first go round:

"Seriously?! That's not true. And completely inappropriate. [Lift hand in a stop sign in between us while then saying . . . ] Please give me some space."

If he then follows up with another inappropriate comment:

"Do you really want me to go to HR? This is not ok."

If he says I can't take a joke:

"This is not a joke. It's offensive. You need to stop."

Strongly agree with all of this. That is so beyond what is acceptable in any situation short of a swingers club.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for validating my extreme discomfort. I am not good at being assertive. Given the content, would you share with a supervisor or just take the "eww, inappropriate" tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever had luck going to HR over being harassed? And by luck I mean, the harasser stopped and you were able to stay at your job? I was sexually harassed in a big law setting, but when I thought about reporting it, I just couldn't see any way to do that and continue to advance and get work from partners. I felt like I would be seen as a potential liability and everyone would avoid me. Has this worked out well for anyone?

I did not. I, along with several coworkers, reported my manager for sexual harassment which included unwanted touching, all of which was witnessed and attested to by coworkers. He was given a warning, came back to the office the same day and let us all know he got off without punishment and if we ever came after him again, he'd ruin us. I went to another manager that I trusted and asked what I should do and was told there was nothing to do and he wasn't going anywhere. I'll never bother with HR again.

I'd get a lawyer. That's ridiculous.

There are actually legal protections you have as an employee, and one of them is not to be sexually harassed. The fact that he threatened you after you reported it gives you an even stronger case.

I would never tolerate a supervisor who sexually harassed me, especially unwanted touching. Blech. No job is worth that.

I know that now, thankfully. At the time, I was a naive recent college grad that believed all the onboarding bullshit about company culture and whatnot.

At this point, if I ever have something similar happen, HR will get the required notification so show I did my due diligence and if action isn't taken (and I will always assume it won't be from now on) it's straight to a lawyer for me. Also helps that I have since married a lawyer that knows an awful lot about employment law.

I think it's a shame that more people (especially young people) aren't aware of legal protections they have. I think your experience is probably not unique. A lot of recent college grads are so happy to have a job and so unsure of the workplace rules, spoken and unspoken, that they don't realize what legal rights they have.

But it's not just about knowing about the legal protections. If you complain, you might be making it impossible for yourself to continue at that job and be successful, especially if the harasser is senior to you and important. Plus it could hurt you when you try to find a new job. I think it's a tough decision to go to HR no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Pp here: sorry for the full quote

[Anonymous]

Not sure where you all work where "tell HR" is a reasonable response. Maybe govt? I think that in private sector among most capable/professional (read highly paid) people this kind of shit is par for the course. And you need to be able to give as well as you get.

In other words, and not to be "classist", but the appropriate response for a secretary working at the EPA is a lot different than the appropriateresponse for a biglaw senior associate or junior partner at a lobby shop.

[Anonymous]

Pp, so how would you handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all for validating my extreme discomfort. I am not good at being assertive. Given the content, would you share with a supervisor or just take the "eww, inappropriate" tactic.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off. "I am not interested in you that way and you're in my personal space. Please move back and do not touch me or talk to me this way again." The "eww, inappropriate" is too wishy-washy. Be straightforward and direct.

If it reoccurs after that, I'd go to a supervisor and HR.