Complicated feelings cleaning out a parent's house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth does a family of 4 only have one kitchen trash bag per week? Are you never home? Are all
meals eaten elsewhere? I'm just stumped by that.

Our family is the same way. We recycle and compost everything possible.

We recycle whatever can be recycled. We grow our own vegetables. We still have more than one garbage bag worth of garbage every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a hoarder (not the gross kind, just the collector of (cleaned out) used cottage cheese containers stacked up into a tower kind).

When he died, we had to get a construction-sized dumpster and we filled it four times.

What is hard with clutter is you get decision-fatigue...after going through a lot of stuff, you start saying "screw it" and tossing it all. You get to a point where you don't care if a hidden gem gets thrown out with all the crap.

In the end all that matters are the photographs (and any jewelry and money). The other thing that matters might be the "thing" that was sentimental to them, but in our situation we couldn't find that "thing" because there was too much crap.

I wish people who hoard would think through what happens to their hoard when they are not there anymore. No one can figure out that person's favorite thing that should be kept, and all that stuff they were saving to sell or give to someone just ends up in the trash, mostly because there is too much of it for anyone in the sandwich generation to take on.

Honestly, as I read your story, OP, I think you got really lucky that your sister(s) took the brunt of this on. I actually think that the reason you are upset (focused) on the waste part of it has to do with the fact that you (unlike your sister) have the *luxury* of focusing on the waste because you were not the primary one mired in the crap. I suspect your sister is not focused on the waste, just the horror of the avalanche of it all.

I hope you reward your sister(s) with a nice lunch or tea or an afternoon of babysitting so they can do whatever they would like. Whatever it takes, to let them know that you appreciate them taking on this burden (even if they didn't do it the way you would have done it)

+1


The bolded is very true. We need to take note, as parents - in consideration of our own children. Grown children will have their own lives, their own space, their own families, their own things. Grown children are not going to want your antique bed, or bulky furniture, or anything you "collected". Instead, be sure to disperse EVENLY the really, important historic, meaningful, truly valuable items mentioned - also military awards and things like that should stay IN the family - *NO IL's*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't mean to be rude, but if you want to explore your feelings about this, please see a counselor and not try to engage people in this forum. It won't be productive, as you have seen. Don't confuse DCUM with a support system -- it's not.

+1

I think OP was trying to warn us to take note of our own actions, when the time comes. It is a fair warning, as grown adults who have never had this responsibility won't know what they are in for.

[Anonymous]

OP, we just went through this. It is awful, I know first hand. The people I knew were friends were there by my side, brought dinners, attended the funeral, checked in on me several times while I was saying goodbye during their deaths. You remember those people fondly forever, really.

The people who are judgy and want you to suffer more, seemingly ("...but did you pay your father's taxes and make sure the state got what it was due?" Effing really?); and didn't so much as make a phone call or bring a dinner - when it's their time, I guess they are on their own, right? These are the same "friends" who have their own paid help for folding laundry, but judge you on how they think you spend time or money.

Don't let anyone judge you. You did what was right, given limited resources, limited time and limited help. Until other people go through it themselves, they have no idea. They are just interested in who got what, and how nosy they can be. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Let it go, OP. I know how you feel, and I agree with pps that some of your feelings about the waste are probably transferred feelings of guilt about your mother, her life, your frustration at her decisions, guilt about that frustration, etc. Let the stuff go. Focus on making peace with your relationship with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Some of these PP seem so very angry that they have to do some work for their parents sake.

[Anonymous]

Mom and Dad, I know you are old and sick and maybe even dead but CAN'T YOU JUST CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feeling? I'm in somewhat of a similar situation, except my parents haven't sold their house and it's still full of stuff. A hoarding situation. They don't need the money, they moved to a continuing care place, bought all new stuff, and it's starting to accumulate there. I don't have siblings.
My main emotion is ANGER. At the waste. Clothes from the 1970s to the present. Six sets of dishes. Umpteen sets of towels, never used. Clothes in bags with tags, never worn. Catalogues. Mayonnaise jars. Mayonnaise jar lids. And on and on.
It makes me sick to think that there are people who could actually use this stuff.
An estate sale company told me it would take their team Three Weeks to clear out the stuff to even get ready for an estate sale. But of course, selfish mother doesn't want to get rid of any of it. Buried under the board are beautiful cherry antiques- dressers, chests, beds etc.
the only thin I want out of that house are some photos from summer camp. I hope someday I will be able to dig through the board and find them.

Do your parents ever go back to their home? Maybe you can start now without them knowing. I'd be tempted to remove a bag of what is obviously garbage or take a box of things to be donated every now and then. At least "thin down" what you can. It could also give you a chance to locate the photos you want. My grandma was like this and so is my mom. I hope to never leave a situation like this to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feeling? I'm in somewhat of a similar situation, except my parents haven't sold their house and it's still full of stuff. A hoarding situation. They don't need the money, they moved to a continuing care place, bought all new stuff, and it's starting to accumulate there. I don't have siblings.
My main emotion is ANGER. At the waste. Clothes from the 1970s to the present. Six sets of dishes. Umpteen sets of towels, never used. Clothes in bags with tags, never worn. Catalogues. Mayonnaise jars. Mayonnaise jar lids. And on and on.
It makes me sick to think that there are people who could actually use this stuff.
An estate sale company told me it would take their team Three Weeks to clear out the stuff to even get ready for an estate sale. But of course, selfish mother doesn't want to get rid of any of it. Buried under the board are beautiful cherry antiques- dressers, chests, beds etc.
the only thin I want out of that house are some photos from summer camp. I hope someday I will be able to dig through the board and find them.

If I were you, I'd be tempted to visit the house weekly and take a bag of trash out with my every time.

[Anonymous]

I'm16:37, posted without finishing the thread. Obviously 14:09 and I agree.

[Anonymous]

I'm the "mayonnaise jar lid" PP above. Problem is I live 750 miles away and no siblings.. I go there about every 6 weeks and toss what I can out of their apartment, but their house is in a gated community, and they cancelled the garbage service, so I'd have to either take it myself to a dump or hire someone to take it away. Believe me I have done the routine of sneaking a couple hefty bags of trash into dumpsters at a local gas station! Ugh.
I, too,,have made the vow not to do is to my kids. Sadly it looks like the hoarding has skipped a generation, I see tendencies of it in one of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "mayonnaise jar lid" PP above. Problem is I live 750 miles away and no siblings.. I go there about every 6 weeks and toss what I can out of their apartment, but their house is in a gated community, and they cancelled the garbage service, so I'd have to either take it myself to a dump or hire someone to take it away. Believe me I have done the routine of sneaking a couple hefty bags of trash into dumpsters at a local gas station! Ugh.
I, too,,have made the vow not to do is to my kids. Sadly it looks like the hoarding has skipped a generation, I see tendencies of it in one of my kids.

When the time comes, either when you parents die or you need to sell the house to pay to care for them, there are hoarding clean up companies. It will take some days and several thousand dollars, but you don't have to do it yourself--heck, I would argue there is no reasonable way you could do it yourself. I have been through such a clean up for a relative, and the clean up company was a god send.

Meanwhile, get your kid some help. If you are in DC, the Behavioral Therapy Center of Greater Washington is a place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not asking people to Monday morning quarterback this. I am asking about feelings as others have been through similar situations. I was not in charge. I did what the lead sister wanted to keep the peace. Her plan did not work out all the way hence the dumping. She was trying to make some money for my mom as many items still had tags or were new in the box. She would have been upset at the loss of potential revenue if we had gone my way and donated everything. Please don't tell me what we could have done. And for the record, estate sale companies will not come out just because you want to have a sale. When I helped my inlaws who had pricey stuff and a lot of it (I thought) we had two companies come out and neither would accept the job because there was not enough profit in it for them. The person who posted about decision fatigue nailed it. After a while you just throw up your hands.

My sibling coordinated and did most of the work on cleaning out the house. Sib was POA and parent in a nursing home. Small city/small metropolitan area but rural areas are close...

yes even the linen closet was staggering. So much stuff. So much money wasted. There was an estate sale and stuff got carted off to that auction place. However the grueling grind of volumes of junk is not the business of those estate sale companies. They pick what is deemed sellable. Those sales do occur in rural areas.

This is how it works everywhere. Plus you can add yard sales to the mix. Estate sale was on the border of a rural area-pickers check online listings for good stuff. I'm older and beginning the clean out of my own home. Biggest problem? Stuff given to me by parents and poa/executor. Special gifts to kids like big dolls in boxes, dishes, furniture, etc. I am overwhelmed. Hope you don't have the burden of all that excess stuff that might have flowed into your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these PP seem so very angry that they have to do some work for their parents sake.

8:37 posting again. It's not some work when you have to travel for hours and get up at 4 am to do sneak clean outs with rubber gloves to get up mice shit. Layers and layers of stuff. This website has some good clutter [not hoarding level photos]:
http://uglyhousephotos.com/wordpress/?cat=45

Mild version of a relative's fireplace [4x the stuff]:
http://uglyhousephotos.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/141127a.jpg

Look at the kitchens and then figure out how to clean them :
http://uglyhousephotos.com/wordpress/?cat=17

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these PP seem so very angry that they have to do some work for their parents sake.

No. The anger, if any, comes from being judged by virtual strangers. If you ever had to clean out a house having a lifetime of memories, especially more than once, you would know. How about offering a kind word? Are you capable of that?

OP, I empathize with you. It is a difficult process. You are not alone. Seriously. Don't listen to the judgy, naive posters who are just waiting for their IL's to die, so they can collect a check.