Complicated feelings cleaning out a parent's house

[Anonymous]

You did what your could and you worked with your family to do it, parents can be a thankless job (been there) Try not to think of this past making a decision never ever to do this to your children!

[Anonymous]

Feeling? I'm in somewhat of a similar situation, except my parents haven't sold their house and it's still full of stuff. A hoarding situation. They don't need the money, they moved to a continuing care place, bought all new stuff, and it's starting to accumulate there. I don't have siblings.
My main emotion is ANGER. At the waste. Clothes from the 1970s to the present. Six sets of dishes. Umpteen sets of towels, never used. Clothes in bags with tags, never worn. Catalogues. Mayonnaise jars. Mayonnaise jar lids. And on and on.
It makes me sick to think that there are people who could actually use this stuff.
An estate sale company told me it would take their team Three Weeks to clear out the stuff to even get ready for an estate sale. But of course, selfish mother doesn't want to get rid of any of it. Buried under the board are beautiful cherry antiques- dressers, chests, beds etc.
the only thin I want out of that house are some photos from summer camp. I hope someday I will be able to dig through the board and find them.

[Anonymous]

How on earth does a family of 4 only have one kitchen trash bag per week? Are you never home? Are all
meals eaten elsewhere? I'm just stumped by that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't mean to be rude, but if you want to explore your feelings about this, please see a counselor and not try to engage people in this forum. It won't be productive, as you have seen. Don't confuse DCUM with a support system -- it's not.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how long you've lived in your house but if it's only been a few years you might be surprised at how much stuff you can accumulate over the course of decades.

We were in our 40's with 2 kids and had lived in our house for nearly 20 years when we decided to move. Ugh, the moving process was incredible - so much stuff! We sold a lot of it, donated a good deal and tossed a fair amount too. We still managed to fill up our new and bigger house! Crazy.

Your 70 year old mom likely found herself with very little money to do anything. Probably not much in the way of money for traveling, entertainment. Her little trips to the store constituted her entertainment and kept things interesting for her. Don't begrudge her that.

If your family of 4 is only making one bag of trash per week I would be willing to bet that that is because you are eating out and going out to activities a lot. That will probably change when the kids get a little older and start going to their activities without you.

[Anonymous]

OP just wen through with my parents. Downsizing is nice if you are not the one who is downsizing, moving to a small place and waiting to died. So yep she does not want to move to the next sage of life who does? It is very depressing to know the end is coming. Try to have some sympathy. Wait till its your turn and people are putting your life in trash bags and throwing it away. Also I am sure she has done things for you and your sisters that you never thanked her for- maybe call it even? Sounds like she has not been doing well for a long time and no one was there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how long you've lived in your house but if it's only been a few years you might be surprised at how much stuff you can accumulate over the course of decades.

We were in our 40's with 2 kids and had lived in our house for nearly 20 years when we decided to move. Ugh, the moving process was incredible - so much stuff! We sold a lot of it, donated a good deal and tossed a fair amount too. We still managed to fill up our new and bigger house! Crazy.

Your 70 year old mom likely found herself with very little money to do anything. Probably not much in the way of money for traveling, entertainment. Her little trips to the store constituted her entertainment and kept things interesting for her. Don't begrudge her that.

If your family of 4 is only making one bag of trash per week I would be willing to bet that that is because you are eating out and going out to activities a lot. That will probably change when the kids get a little older and start going to their activities without you.

We are a family of four that only makes one bag of trash per week. We are heavy recyclers.

[Anonymous]

I think the circumstances matter a lot. My parents downsized together and then my dad downsized again after my mom died. Helping a parent who wants to downsize is very different than having to drive the process and do all of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth does a family of 4 only have one kitchen trash bag per week? Are you never home? Are all
meals eaten elsewhere? I'm just stumped by that.

Our family is the same way. We recycle and compost everything possible.

[Anonymous]

Op,I know how you feel. My parents are relatively affluent, but came from poor immigrant backgrounds. They have trouble throwing things away. So even though they live in a $2 million house, they have accumulated a ton of stuff. Not hoarders, but kind of like genteel hoarders. I have been worrying and trying to prod them about it for years, even packing things up and organizing whenever I visit. Mentally I knew that it would all be on my head if something happened to them. This December both my mom and dad became seriously ill... my mom wont make it and my father is disabled. They live in this big house with too much stuff -- some of it has value, but a lot of it is just sentimental or of little worth. Finally my do nothing brother is starting to haul the stuff I packed to goodwill or to the dump... it literally took my mom to be on her deathbed for us to be able to do this. She would have taken things out of the trash if she could. My brother actually has inherited even worse hoarding tendencies. It is so sad. We live our lives in DC trying to get rid of stuff -- sometimes it gets a bit compulsive (my inlaws are like this, constantly dumping their stuff on us). It just seems we have a dysfunctional relationship with stuff in this country. In the country where my parents are from, middle class families just have one set of furniture that they keep forever (tends to be well made), a few tschokes -- could fit on a mantle or bookshelf, a few books, and minimal household stuff. Clothes can all fit in a wardrobe. I think it's because goods are relatively more expensive there -- there are no big box stores (though they are coming), and kids play with sticks and marbles, not tons of stuffed animals or plastic junk.... it would be very hard to rewind to that -- it's not our culture -- but if only for the sake of environment, I hope that enlightened people everywhere stop the vicious cycle of acquiring, dumping and acquiring again...

No blame, just a commentary on society... I am with you, OP. Sorry you had to go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not asking people to Monday morning quarterback this. I am asking about feelings as others have been through similar situations. I was not in charge. I did what the lead sister wanted to keep the peace. Her plan did not work out all the way hence the dumping. She was trying to make some money for my mom as many items still had tags or were new in the box. She would have been upset at the loss of potential revenue if we had gone my way and donated everything. Please don't tell me what we could have done. And for the record, estate sale companies will not come out just because you want to have a sale. When I helped my inlaws who had pricey stuff and a lot of it (I thought) we had two companies come out and neither would accept the job because there was not enough profit in it for them. The person who posted about decision fatigue nailed it. After a while you just throw up your hands.

DO NOT FEEL BAD and do not listen to the stupid yammer about what you should have done. These people have NO IDEA what it is like to empty a gigantic house full of 30 or 40 years of "stuff" - especially if the house is out of town and you need to get it done so you can get back to your life. I've been there and done that, and in my case, my siblings wouldn't help so it was ALL ME. Believe me, IT SUCKED. My main emotion was exhaustion combined with irritation that she had kept so much crap.

I took what I could to Goodwill. I sold some furniture via a consignment store. But a great deal of it simply had to go in the trash. I had to get over my feelings of "oh too bad if I had more time I would have done something other than toss that stuff".

The big problem in her house was that her finances were in terrible shape and she had tons and tons of "paperwork" associated with her personal and business life, and I had to look at EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER in order to determine whether to keep it or toss it (and often the paperwork alerted me to another problem I didn't even know about).

And oh, did I mention that she not only had a three story house but also four different storage units full of crap she hadn't looked at in decades? Why the HELL are you paying for this, mom???

I feel your pain, OP. I know exactly where you were. Everyone who hasn't been there, shaddap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP just wen through with my parents. Downsizing is nice if you are not the one who is downsizing, moving to a small place and waiting to died. So yep she does not want to move to the next sage of life who does? It is very depressing to know the end is coming. Try to have some sympathy. Wait till its your turn and people are putting your life in trash bags and throwing it away. Also I am sure she has done things for you and your sisters that you never thanked her for- maybe call it even? Sounds like she has not been doing well for a long time and no one was there for her.

Let me tell you, when I emptied out my mom's house, I resolved never to put my kids through that. I am going to downsize my own crap well ahead of time.

And oh by the way, any "sympathy" you have for how depressed they are about the transition to a new stage of life evaporates after the first exhausting 12 hour day out sorting through their crap, taking stuff to the dump, going to Goodwill, etc. I had a week of days like that and it was a good thing she wasn't around because it would have been hard not to yell at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious how people felt during and after they cleaned out a parent's living space during a downsizing. My mom was downsized to an apartment after living in a three bedroom ranch for 20 years. It was not the house where I grew up. My sisters and I led the downsizing, finding the apt, organizing the move and now selling the house and getting rid of so, so much extra stuff. My mother, early 70s, is probably depressed and has basically given up all responsibility for herself i.e. can't be bothered to pay bills anymore, demonstrated zero interest in the downsizing process and house sale even though she agreed with it. She has also not shown my sisters and me any gratitude for the work we've put in either. Instead, she complains that she is not getting enough grandkid time because we are busy working on managing her affairs.

Over the years that she lived in her house alone her primary social outlet and recreation was to go to Walmart or Ross or Marshalls and buy cheap household goods and clothes. Finances are an issue so this was not a great way to spend her time on many fronts. She retired early because she didn't want to work anymore even though she had very little in savings. When she stopped working she had no reason to get up in the morning. She rebuffed all family suggestions to find a part time job, do volunteer work, make more friends. Doing things like this was made complicated because I'm from a rural area where opportunities to do anything are minimal compared to the DC area.

She had a house full of crap that she basically walked out of. We could not even hire professional packers as part of the move because her house had so much stuff and none of it was organized. Even though she knew the move was planned she packed none of her own stuff or made any effort to get ready. In her house was tons and tons of decorative objects, 3 closets of clothes that she hadn't worn in 15+ years, more towels and sheets than my family of four, not a hoarder exactly but just so much stuff. Her apt got furnished and there was still a house full of stuff that she never gave another thought to. Never asked any of us once how we were going to manage it or get it clean to sell.

My sisters are local and did most of the work so I did not argue when they said they wanted to have a yard sale. (I did not think the profit would be worth our time.) That also took a ton of work over multiple weekends because the stuff was moved to my sister's house and then set up for the sale. That was this weekend and we got rained on and had to stop about noon. There was still so, so much stuff left. The sister who did most of the work needed to be done with all this. Multiple truckloads of perfectly serviceable objects went to the dump. I am still cringing at the sound of breaking glass and the sight of the piles of clothes and all the stuff that did not sell on the back of the pickup. At this point more sorting for charity was not an option. We set up a few tables with a free sign on the side of the road but everything else went to the landfill. At that point much of the stuff was damp from the rain.

I am having such a hard time with the waste. Here in Mont Co our family of four produces about one kitchen bag of trash a week. We have a lot more recycling. We have a donation box going at all times for the Humane Society Thrift store. We give bigger items to other places. We regularly use that "How do I dispose of" list on the Mo Co Solid Waste website. I'm not a crazy environmental person by any means. I love a trip to Marshalls myself and shopping for a bargain anywhere but I feel so traumatized. The wasted objects that could have benefited others. The environmental destruction of dumping. Among the items that went to the dump were some crocheted bedspreads that my grandmother had made. Nobody wanted them. I could not bring myself to take them just to store them because they are very dated looking. My mom's total ambivalence. I feel like she's already dead because there's no real relationship anymore. I just feel so, so bad and so tired from all the work.

The only good thing to happen out of this weekend was to convince the sister leading the cleanup was that when it's time for my dad's house we will use a professional of some sort. Just wondering what other people felt as they went through this.

I'm going to have to deal with this situation with my Dad. He's basically walked away from his home to stay with relatives and can't deal with cleaning up his home, selling property, or making any plans for the future. It's a mess. I have siblings but they have their own issues and can't be relied on to help. You have my sympathy, OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you might be attaching more emotional weight to the physical waste because you're upset about your mother giving up on everything and having untreated depression. If you or your sisters offered to go with her to her doctor to talk about starting antidepressants, it might be worth trying.

[Anonymous]

OP Over the last 30-40 years the US has been inundated with a tidal wave of junk. We see it, we buy it, but it has no intrinsic worth. Still it belonged to your mom, so you have feelings. Everyone has those feelings when the middle class downsizes -- its just part of the process. In the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art ... the author shows that those objects have served their purpose and now it is time to let go.