Complicated feelings cleaning out a parent's house

[Anonymous]

I am curious how people felt during and after they cleaned out a parent's living space during a downsizing. My mom was downsized to an apartment after living in a three bedroom ranch for 20 years. It was not the house where I grew up. My sisters and I led the downsizing, finding the apt, organizing the move and now selling the house and getting rid of so, so much extra stuff. My mother, early 70s, is probably depressed and has basically given up all responsibility for herself i.e. can't be bothered to pay bills anymore, demonstrated zero interest in the downsizing process and house sale even though she agreed with it. She has also not shown my sisters and me any gratitude for the work we've put in either. Instead, she complains that she is not getting enough grandkid time because we are busy working on managing her affairs.

Over the years that she lived in her house alone her primary social outlet and recreation was to go to Walmart or Ross or Marshalls and buy cheap household goods and clothes. Finances are an issue so this was not a great way to spend her time on many fronts. She retired early because she didn't want to work anymore even though she had very little in savings. When she stopped working she had no reason to get up in the morning. She rebuffed all family suggestions to find a part time job, do volunteer work, make more friends. Doing things like this was made complicated because I'm from a rural area where opportunities to do anything are minimal compared to the DC area.

She had a house full of crap that she basically walked out of. We could not even hire professional packers as part of the move because her house had so much stuff and none of it was organized. Even though she knew the move was planned she packed none of her own stuff or made any effort to get ready. In her house was tons and tons of decorative objects, 3 closets of clothes that she hadn't worn in 15+ years, more towels and sheets than my family of four, not a hoarder exactly but just so much stuff. Her apt got furnished and there was still a house full of stuff that she never gave another thought to. Never asked any of us once how we were going to manage it or get it clean to sell.

My sisters are local and did most of the work so I did not argue when they said they wanted to have a yard sale. (I did not think the profit would be worth our time.) That also took a ton of work over multiple weekends because the stuff was moved to my sister's house and then set up for the sale. That was this weekend and we got rained on and had to stop about noon. There was still so, so much stuff left. The sister who did most of the work needed to be done with all this. Multiple truckloads of perfectly serviceable objects went to the dump. I am still cringing at the sound of breaking glass and the sight of the piles of clothes and all the stuff that did not sell on the back of the pickup. At this point more sorting for charity was not an option. We set up a few tables with a free sign on the side of the road but everything else went to the landfill. At that point much of the stuff was damp from the rain.

I am having such a hard time with the waste. Here in Mont Co our family of four produces about one kitchen bag of trash a week. We have a lot more recycling. We have a donation box going at all times for the Humane Society Thrift store. We give bigger items to other places. We regularly use that "How do I dispose of" list on the Mo Co Solid Waste website. I'm not a crazy environmental person by any means. I love a trip to Marshalls myself and shopping for a bargain anywhere but I feel so traumatized. The wasted objects that could have benefited others. The environmental destruction of dumping. Among the items that went to the dump were some crocheted bedspreads that my grandmother had made. Nobody wanted them. I could not bring myself to take them just to store them because they are very dated looking. My mom's total ambivalence. I feel like she's already dead because there's no real relationship anymore. I just feel so, so bad and so tired from all the work.

The only good thing to happen out of this weekend was to convince the sister leading the cleanup was that when it's time for my dad's house we will use a professional of some sort. Just wondering what other people felt as they went through this.

[Anonymous]

I'mn not understanding why you sent so much stuff to the dump. If it was worth trying to sell, it was certainly worth donating.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's sad. It is the malaise of our country right now: Depression from being disconnected, inside, watching tv, and too much consumerism. Some people are worse than others. It is really sad, but your mom was trying to fill her life with things to make her happy, and that never makes anyone happy. Try not to let it affect you so much. In the grand scheme, everything is thrown away at some point pretty much. You did a nice thing for your mom and it was good that you let those things go. You're living your life differently and that's great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'mn not understanding why you sent so much stuff to the dump. If it was worth trying to sell, it was certainly worth donating.

OP here. We could not invest more time. There are not services to pick up in our rural area. My sister is unwilling to the store the stuff any longer or spend any more time on it. We needed to be done and get back to our lives.

[Anonymous]

Watch the TV show "Hoarders" and you may start to understand. Your mom might not be a hoarder right now but it sounds like she has the tendency. She is lonely, something/someone hurt her and she is trying to fill her life. It is hard for us who don't have this problem to understand, we just see the waste and the mess.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a hoarder (not the gross kind, just the collector of (cleaned out) used cottage cheese containers stacked up into a tower kind).

When he died, we had to get a construction-sized dumpster and we filled it four times.

What is hard with clutter is you get decision-fatigue...after going through a lot of stuff, you start saying "screw it" and tossing it all. You get to a point where you don't care if a hidden gem gets thrown out with all the crap.

In the end all that matters are the photographs (and any jewelry and money). The other thing that matters might be the "thing" that was sentimental to them, but in our situation we couldn't find that "thing" because there was too much crap.

I wish people who hoard would think through what happens to their hoard when they are not there anymore. No one can figure out that person's favorite thing that should be kept, and all that stuff they were saving to sell or give to someone just ends up in the trash, mostly because there is too much of it for anyone in the sandwich generation to take on.

Honestly, as I read your story, OP, I think you got really lucky that your sister(s) took the brunt of this on. I actually think that the reason you are upset (focused) on the waste part of it has to do with the fact that you (unlike your sister) have the *luxury* of focusing on the waste because you were not the primary one mired in the crap. I suspect your sister is not focused on the waste, just the horror of the avalanche of it all.

I hope you reward your sister(s) with a nice lunch or tea or an afternoon of babysitting so they can do whatever they would like. Whatever it takes, to let them know that you appreciate them taking on this burden (even if they didn't do it the way you would have done it)

[Anonymous]

There's a book by the AARP called Downsizing the Family Home by Marni Jameson that I just finished reading. Lots of good information about going through what you just went through.

We are all going to live through this at some point--our parents are getting older and will either need to move to another, final home, or will just die where they are. Either way, we're going to need to sort through all their "stuff" and deal with it. I'm definitely not looking forward to that day, although, to my parents' credit, they have been getting rid of stuff regularly over the years and don't have an excess of things these days.

[Anonymous]

It's always emotional and exhausting dealing with stuff and all the memories the things hold, or the guilt of dumping things. Was your mother really on board with the idea?

[Anonymous]

There were no estate sale services? This is usually what people do - hire a company to tag everything and sell in a three or four day weekend, Thur-to-Sun, with 50% off on Sun. You could perhaps do this for your father's stuff.

I'm sorry you feel bad about it, OP, but your sister's feelings were real and she had to deal with it. Dumping a ton of stuff seems like a price she was willing to pay, don't hold it against her.

[Anonymous]

What you are describing definitely is hoarding. There is no way to conceive of just how big sub a job is if you have never done it before. Nightmarish.

The way to think of it is that your mom has an untreated mental illness. She does not think like a normal person when it comes to stuff. She is probably suffering from anxiety and or depression as part of this.

It is awful, and I am sorry you are dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

I live in a town of 400. You could have brought in an auctioneer. Or you could have driven everything to good will. Or if you had called a month -6 weeks in advance goodwill would have picked it up. Even in a rural area.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not asking people to Monday morning quarterback this. I am asking about feelings as others have been through similar situations. I was not in charge. I did what the lead sister wanted to keep the peace. Her plan did not work out all the way hence the dumping. She was trying to make some money for my mom as many items still had tags or were new in the box. She would have been upset at the loss of potential revenue if we had gone my way and donated everything. Please don't tell me what we could have done. And for the record, estate sale companies will not come out just because you want to have a sale. When I helped my inlaws who had pricey stuff and a lot of it (I thought) we had two companies come out and neither would accept the job because there was not enough profit in it for them. The person who posted about decision fatigue nailed it. After a while you just throw up your hands.

[Anonymous]

It's over, OP. Everyone involved did what they had to do, and what they were willing and able (with respect to time and emotions) to do. Based on what you wrote (time and space constraints), this is what had to happen.

Try not to blame your sister for not having the time or energy (mental or otherwise) to deal with all of this stuff. Try not to blame your mom for accumulating it. No one buys stuff with the intent of throwing it away.

My one piece of advice it this - don't wait until it is "time" to sort out your dad's stuff. Unless your dad is a minimalist, there is plenty of stuff that can go to charity now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not asking people to Monday morning quarterback this. I am asking about feelings as others have been through similar situations. I was not in charge. I did what the lead sister wanted to keep the peace. Her plan did not work out all the way hence the dumping. She was trying to make some money for my mom as many items still had tags or were new in the box. She would have been upset at the loss of potential revenue if we had gone my way and donated everything. Please don't tell me what we could have done. And for the record, estate sale companies will not come out just because you want to have a sale. When I helped my inlaws who had pricey stuff and a lot of it (I thought) we had two companies come out and neither would accept the job because there was not enough profit in it for them. The person who posted about decision fatigue nailed it. After a while you just throw up your hands.

When you post, people can comment on anything they want, OP, it's part of the deal. We're throwing suggestions out there for future reference, obviously, and we understand the decision fatigue.

It might be different in your area, but here estate sale companies are a dime a dozen and are willing to take up nearly any house. I've seen estate businesses sell completely nondescript contents out of completely ordinary houses. You might want to search again when the time comes. Go lower in the pecking order of estate companies.

[Anonymous]

not shown my sisters and me any gratitude

All would have been easier - and better decisions made - if you and your sisters had felt appreciated. Unfortunately, your experience is the experience of most. The elderly (and your Mom sounds like she's elderly despite her young-ish age) are impaired in ways that are very confusing/emotional for us. Remember your Mom, the best parts, for who she use to be. As for your concern re: stuff - yes, it's perfectly valid - and it's horrid, but you have no recourse but to let it go, forgive and move-on - - some things get saved, recycled, used from landfills. Not an excuse, just a crutch.