How would you feel about "friends" who haven't contact you while you are separated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember you - did your DH work with the AP?

no

[Anonymous]

OP, that's really messed up and hurtful. I wouldn't want to remain friends in your shoes after being deserted though. I guess it's one of the harsh realities of divorce. People choose sides sometimes. It's unfortunate, but at least you know where you stand with these people.

When my ex and I split, there were women whom I knew would follow their husband's lead because the guys were friends first. What I hadn't expected was that they wouldn't speak at all at group events. I suspect it's out of loyalty, but it was really unnecessary. I'm just really thankful that I'm one of those women who maintained my own longterm friendships separately as they were there for me in the end like I needed.

[Anonymous]

Excuse typos. PP here on my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to say it, but if you keep talking to your friends about a "homewrecker of a whore" you may be sending off a lot of bitter vibes and wanting to talk about things that they don't. I'm not saying you don't have legitimate reasons to feel hurt, but people don't want to feel uncomfortably in the middle of things.

OP here. I mentioned before that I never talked to the ex-friends about our separation. I just refer to the homewrecker in this post, to anonymous people to get a somewhat objective opinion. In fact, we never talked about the homewrecker because they never contacted me! I would not have brought up the homewrecker in our apparently fair weather friendship.

If neither of you reached out to the other in two years you weren't friends, you were friendly. Fair weather friend doesn't seem to be the right label to attach to them, it sounds like you were friendly with each other out of convenience.

When your husband/wife cheats on you, then we can talk.

Don't assume that because someone wouldn't react as you did that they haven't been in your situation. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

TwistdMike wrote:I have some very close friends who chose to side with the ExW after the separation/divorce. However, after some time, they saw through her BS and victimization stories.

After some time, they called me to arrange a dinner meeting to see how I had been doing and to catch up. Once We had had a few drinks and passed the pleasantries, they both apologized profusely for choosing her side and then began telling me stories of things she said or did after the separation. It was very entertaining to see them come to the realization of what I already knew and understood.

To this day, we remain very close. The wife of the friend couple will still occasionally tell some new story of the ExW which she hears from mutual friends. Each new story I hear makes me appreciate her being my ExW...

This +1!

My ExW has BPD and when we split, she proceeded to tell the world a series of lies in addition to the lies that she had propounded during the course of 20 years. Most friends chose her. I suppose rightfully so, since they were friends she deemed acceptable (not uncommon with BPDs). Within a few months of our separation, all of those friends reached out to me after having been lied to again repeatedly by ExW. At the end of the day, they all apologized to me, and basically wrote her off. And, again typically for a BPD, she has destroyed every single relationship she has ever had. Every one, other than her mother. Her entire family, every friend from growing up, college, grad school, life in general.

What is sad is that it didn't need to end like that. But she declared herself "cured" and stopped therapy and over a few years, decompensated and became worse than she ever was. When she is on, she is an awesome person. That is just very, very infrequent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was annoyed with the friends who socialized with me after we separated. He felt that they were choosing sides, and he was miffed that they didn't choose his side (I was the one who left).

In reality, I was the one who maintained those relationships. I was the one who made the plans, and I didn't stop making plans with friends when we split up. As far as I know, he didn't ever try to get together with them - just complained to me that they were choosing me.

Has the spouse who is feeling spurned tried to hang out with the friends and been rejected? If so, then yes. Move on and make new friends. If not, be proactive.

This would happen to my DH. He is incapable of taking an active approach on maintaining friendships. I find all the friends and maintain all the friends. He has NO long term friends. NONE. If anyone wants to make plans, they come to me. He's not even on their radar.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you've never reached out to them either then it's on you too. I'm sorry your marriage broke up but your life it not the only complicated one. People are busy. People have emotional struggles. You are expecting everyone to approach you because your marriage dissolved? Why? How about reaching out to them? Otherwise let it drop and move on. And maybe start divorce proceedings. Two years seperated is a long time, especially with another woman with a baby in the mix. Go get yourself some closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The "friends" are aware why we separated. My ex had an affair and a child with his homewrecker of a whore. To me this is doubly hurtful. I feel like they just left me in the cold.

During my ex's affair and when he moved out, I was reeling and not very strong emotionally to reach out to anyone.

OP. You've been through a very traumatic experience. And a very abusive relationship. The kind of infidelity you describe -- secret relationship, husband moves out of house, has baby with another woman, but yet isn't making a clear cut via divorce -- that's a very deep repetitive kind of emotional abuse. The lies. The manipulation. The cycle of high drama, tears, talk about reconciliation, but they more drama -- that's the classic abusive cycle.

You should be in therapy with a good psychologist who recognizes this as the domestic abuse it is, not someone who treats it like a "relationship problem".

Now, a year or more later, you should be moving toward divorce. Maybe you have been frozen in shock for the last year, but now is the time to reach out and assemble your team to help you move forward thru this == a divorce attorney, a domestic abuse counselor, and friends and family who know the TRUTH about what has gone on to bring you to divorce.

You are disappointed in these "friends". It should be clear now that they are not real friends. Real friends would have gotten in touch with you and asked you what was going on and how they could support you and the kids thru this difficult time. But, you have also not been a real friend to them. Real friends don't hide important facts about their lives and selves. When my now exDH cheated extensively on me, there were certain friends (my friends) whom I told the ugly details. They were unwavering in their support of me. There were other friends, primarily people I considered both our friends, to whom I didn't divulge any ugly details. Over time, I noticed that I really struggle with these ongoing friendships, even if they have remained friendly with both of us, because our friendship is really a facade. Truthfully, that kind of sham friendship isn't healthy, although I appreciate that these friends are trying to do what they think is the right thing and not "take sides".

You need to move forward and focus on what you want and need. You need friends. You need people that you and your kids can socialize with as a family. Look around you and think about who is already in your life that you gel with and that you trust to be real with. Invite them to things. Reveal the truths about yourself and your marriage and divorce over time. Increase contact and reveal more with those people whom you like and who prove themselves trustworthy and supportive. Diminish contact with those who don't. Don't have anyone in your life that feels like friendship material? Think about how you can build that thru church or activities or sports or whatever.

I think there is a tendency after infidelity to focus on what went wrong and how to fix it. Maybe that is useful for a while if there is a chance for healthy reconciliation. But, you are way beyond that, and it is time to start focusing on taking care of yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you're better off without them. They showed their true colors.

Make new friends and be happy to be rid of dead weight.

This is what I was thinking. They were never friends to begin with. Friends are there in good times and bad. I don't want friends that only talk about the weather, and if my dh cheated on me I would want them to be good listeners as I would be for them. Yes move on and no contact with any of them.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger question is why OP has only been separated from this man, and for two whole years.

Have some self respect. Divorce him and move on.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if Dh & I were to divorce I'm certain a good portion of our friends would remain friends with him, because they like him better. And a good portion with me. Because THEY like me better. Sure, it would hurt. That is actually a factor in why I'm not divorced ... I don't want to lose my friends when they choose sides.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people try to stick to similarities so to speak. If ex H and his new woman remain in the same SES as before and OP is now, say, less wealthy- it would make sense for some people to just stick to whatever is similar to their own circumstances...
Also,they may find it more convenient to hang out as couples.
But whatever their reason- they always treated you as a matter of convenience I think...

[Anonymous]

I would dump any friends that were still friendly with my ex, especially if he cheated with the town bicycle. For one I wouldn't want my ex to know my personal info. and people are gossipy and they would probably tell him.

When i divorced I totally moved on and started over. Best way to do it, and healthiest imo. Happiness is the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

I would immediately cross them off my "Friend List" since it is quite obvious whose side they have chosen.

Good riddance to fake friends!

[Anonymous]

Stop your whining and make some new friends. I really don't have time for your bitching and moaning.