Reply to How would you feel about "friends" who haven't contact you while you are separated?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  The "friends" are aware why we separated.  My ex had an affair and a child with his homewrecker of a whore.  To me this is doubly hurtful.  I feel like they just left me in the cold.

During my ex's affair and when he moved out, I was reeling and not very strong emotionally to reach out to anyone.  [/quote]

OP.  You've been through a very traumatic experience.  And a very abusive relationship.  The kind of infidelity you describe -- secret relationship, husband moves out of house, has baby with another woman, but yet isn't making a clear cut via divorce -- that's a very deep repetitive kind of emotional abuse.  The lies.   The manipulation.  The cycle of high drama, tears, talk about reconciliation, but they more drama -- that's the classic abusive cycle.

You should be in therapy with a good psychologist who recognizes this as the domestic abuse it is, not someone who treats it like a "relationship problem".

Now, a year or more later, you should be moving toward divorce.  Maybe you have been frozen in shock for the last year, but now is the time to reach out and assemble your team to help you move forward thru this == a divorce attorney, a domestic abuse counselor, and friends and family who know the TRUTH about what has gone on to bring you to divorce.

You are disappointed in these "friends".  It should be clear now that they are not real friends.  Real friends would have gotten in touch with you and asked you what was going on and how they could support you and the kids thru this difficult time.  But, you have also not been a real friend to them.  Real friends don't hide important facts about their lives and selves.  When my now exDH cheated extensively on me, there were certain friends (my friends) whom I told the ugly details.  They were unwavering in their support of me.  There were other friends, primarily people I considered both our friends, to whom I didn't divulge any ugly details.  Over time, I noticed that I really struggle with these ongoing friendships, even if they have remained friendly with both of us, because our friendship is really a facade.   Truthfully, that kind of sham friendship isn't healthy, although I appreciate that these friends are trying to do what they think is the right thing and not "take sides".

You need to move forward and focus on what you want and need.  You need friends.  You need people that you and your kids can socialize with as a family.  Look around you and think about who is already in your life that you gel with and that you trust to be real with.  Invite them to things.  Reveal the truths about yourself and your marriage and divorce over time.  Increase contact and reveal more with those people whom you like and who prove themselves trustworthy and supportive.  Diminish contact with those who don't.  Don't have anyone in your life that feels like friendship material?  Think about how you can build that thru church or activities or sports or whatever.

I think there is a tendency after infidelity to focus on what went wrong and how to fix it.  Maybe that is useful for a while if there is a chance for healthy reconciliation.  But, you are way beyond that, and it is time to start focusing on taking care of yourself and your kids.  [/quote]

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