Woman who married older man - pros/cons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, after being married to my husband (who's 14 years older) for the last 5 years, I'd not been too worried about how much older he is than me. Thanks for this thread... :/

Same here, but we do have long term care and other things in place. Life doesn't have a crystal ball. I had two good friends pass away at 39 and 38 one quick and one who had a lengthy illness. Hard on the spouses. We can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst no matter who we marry and how many years between us.

[Anonymous]

I have two dear friends who are in their 60s (and vital) currently housebound because their spouses (15 and 19 years older) are basically dying at home. I haven't seen one of them in almost a year because she literally can't leave his side and he doesn't want visitors. The only human beings she talks to are health care workers who come to her home.

I realize that's a ways off, but it's a reality. My friends would be traveling, take classes, meeting up with friends -- LIVING -- but they can't because they fell in love with a man much older.

One of them is honest in saying that if she knew what she was in for, she would have looked elsewhere. The other one has no regrets. So... You make your own life.

[Anonymous]

I know of a couple like this. The older man retired but can't do anything fun because the younger wife is still working. She has to retire early or else he doesn't get to do anything fun in retirement with her. It looks more like a daughter/father relationship to me when he has had health problems. He can't do much and she seems stir crazy.

[Anonymous]

Op, why get married? Really! Be together. But don't get married.

[Anonymous]

My mom married one. She's 76 and he's 93 . He's still going pretty strong and they are very happy. They like to take trips together and just kind of hang out otherwise (visit people?). They have been together 15 years.
The thing is is that you are assuming that the younger person will be much healthier than the older one, but things like bouts of cancer can negate that age gap pretty quickly.
Her DH even had a stroke but after getting treatment and one month in rehab he got right back to his life.
If you love someone don't give them up because of an age difference. Enjoy them while you have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom married one. She's 76 and he's 93 . He's still going pretty strong and they are very happy. They like to take trips together and just kind of hang out otherwise (visit people?). They have been together 15 years.
The thing is is that you are assuming that the younger person will be much healthier than the older one, but things like bouts of cancer can negate that age gap pretty quickly.
Her DH even had a stroke but after getting treatment and one month in rehab he got right back to his life.
If you love someone don't give them up because of an age difference. Enjoy them while you have them.

Yes - I said married but really they are just shacking up' I guess (at their age - ha!). I'd recommend that too - at your age why get married? It's not like you will be raising kids together.
And yes they are church goers and no - no one cares.

[Anonymous]

2 words--

Nurse and a purse.

Ladies, if you don't want to do this then DON"T MARRY THEM.

Be their friend, sure. Just don't marry.

Especially if they got divorced and lost 1/2 their assets- they are trying to make up for the lack of income and the loss of a personal caretaker- with your young self.

Signed, someone who almost married an older man and is glad she didn't!!!

PS-He is ok, don't worry he found someone else to care for him now...not my "problem" now!

PPS- not saying ALL older men- just the ones that have a low income, bad credit, child support/back tax/alimony issues/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 words--

Nurse and a purse.

Ladies, if you don't want to do this then DON"T MARRY THEM.

Be their friend, sure. Just don't marry.

Especially if they got divorced and lost 1/2 their assets- they are trying to make up for the lack of income and the loss of a personal caretaker- with your young self.

Signed, someone who almost married an older man and is glad she didn't!!!

PS-He is ok, don't worry he found someone else to care for him now...not my "problem" now!

PPS- not saying ALL older men- just the ones that have a low income, bad credit, child support/back tax/alimony issues/etc.

My friend had very little in retirement, so her main goal was to find someone with a good pension. She did and they are enjoying traveling etc. If something happens she will be able to afford help, she is the beneficiary since she's a legal spouse.

Every situation is different, each to their own.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. We continue to move in the direction of marriage, having weighed all of the various pros/cons. I appreciate everyone's feedback.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I think the OP probably sees that the majority of people do NOT recommend this path! I agree 100 percent.

In my MIL's case, when she was 50, she married a man who was 65 years old. It has worked out pretty well. On the one hand, he has a stable pension and that has been a nice boost for her. (She still works as a nurse practitioner, while he is retired and likes to golf, fish, etc.) My MIL had lived in apartments on her own for several years after her earlier divorce, and she enjoys living in a house with her husband. Marrying him made that more of an option. She enjoys gardening and so I am glad they are able to have a single-family home.

Having said that, I think it has aged her to be married to a man 15 years older. For example, a few years ago (when my MIL was just 62), we invited her to go out to museums with us in San Francisco. She said "Remember, I am getting old." What?! She's always been active with camping and hiking, and now at 62 she was saying she's "getting old."

Also, with my own mom, I've noticed that she was great in her 60's and still very vibrant, healthy, etc. She's still doing pretty great in her mid-70's, but I have noticed a big difference (even in her case with great health) between someone in their 60s and someone in their 70s.

OP -- you are only 38 years old. You are actually quite young!! If you were 58 years old, I'd say sure -- marry a 78-year-old! But you are only 38 years old.

Try to aim a little bit higher!! (And if it's his financial holdings that are part of the attraction, then just make sure to get a pre-nup that provides for you.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's not as much older than that...but I will warn you, the pluses are all on the front end of the relationship: more established, more mature, etc. The minuses all come later, and not as much later as you'd think. Eldercare is not for the faint of heart, especially if you also have your own aging parents to help with. It definitely forecloses options - I did not realize to what extent when we married.

Thank you. This is the hard part. His Dad is 86 is really active. But at 86 for him I would be 65, just retiring....

And this is the problem: you are in your prime working years. He is close to the end of his career. In five to ten years, he is going to want to retire; maybe move somewhere else (warmer, cheaper, closer to family, etc), and you may need to stay where your job is located. Or he may want to travel extensively, but you will have to work. And you won't be able to retire early because you won't be eligible for Medicare, and insurance, even on the ACA exchanges, is expensive in your late 40s/50s. It's not like leaving the workforce to be a SAHM: you can't be on his insurance when his insurance is Medicare.

Then--and I apologize for being morbid--when you retire, he will be at the end of his life. So you won't get your turn to live somewhere warm while you're still somewhat active, or travel, or spend time with your kids/grandkids because he will be declining, and you will have to take care of him. You may have some good years after he passes, but not many.

From a financial perspective, and assuming you're both middle class, you two most likely don't have a lot of time to build wealth together, since he is close to retirement. So who gets what he has built when he dies? His kids probably feel entitled to it. But you will probably be reliant upon it to maintain your household. This will build resentment, and probably early on. And the same thing happens if you were to die early: would he get your money, or your (presumably minor) children? But the equation feels different when you're talking about grown childrens (which I am assuming his kids are).

My mom and stepdad are ten years apart, and have been married for 25 years, and I see the difficulties they are having now. If I were in your shoes, I would walk away and find someone closer to your age.

I have a friend who married a guy about 15yrs older than she was. He retired and just became unbearable. Wasn't that great during the marriage either. Well with him retired and her still working she had to pay him alimony. Give it some long hard thought before committing legally to him. Lot of stuff pops out of the wood work. I also know a scenario where the step mother is accused of running through the adult kids inheritance since their father died >10yrs ago. So the money thing with the adult kids is real and a problem. If there is money...you will always be considered the gold digger

[Anonymous]

DH is fifteen years older than me and we've been married fifteen years. I still don't regret him in the slightest, but he just turned 60 and I'm slowly starting to see the age difference for the first time ever. He's finding that he has less in common with the spouses of my friends. He's less interested in outings or fun things than I think he'd otherwise be if he were still in his 40s. OTOH, he's an introvert so it can be hard to figure out what is the result of being older and what's just his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen op, you love this man and he loves you. Enough. Marry him and be happy.

This is really short sighted advice. Love isn't enough when he's gone and she's alone.

Love is often replaced by resentment.

My dumb friend, who has tons of money, married a mail order bride. They are about 20 years apart. It's all fun and games now b/c he has money and they can travel. But she won't stay once he's old and frail. no kids - none now, none from his first marriage (to a brilliant woman, I'll add)

Love is more than lust. It's more than being happy together. You have to forget about sex once the man reaches a certain age, and you have to replace your international traveling with trips to the nursing home.

Y'all simply have NO clue!

Don't say some of us didn't warn you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. We continue to move in the direction of marriage, having weighed all of the various pros/cons. I appreciate everyone's feedback.

oh, OP

You didn't read through the thread carefully.

so sad

You'll be hunting for this thread in 15 to 20 years from now.

[Anonymous]

OP, genetics do play a role and if there is a lot of longevity together with good health in his family it's a good sign. My parents are 15 years apart and until he reached his 70s, my dad had way more energy than my mom. It's only recently, now that he's in his 80s where she is starting to feel the negative side of the age difference.

I know women who married younger men/men who married older women with the age difference being anywhere from 4 to 10 years and more often than not when the woman reached a certain age, the guy couldn't deal and the marriage didn't last. There are no guarantees. I also have a friend who married her college sweetheart-same age-and he died of cancer a few years ago.