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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband's not as much older than that...but I will warn you, the pluses are all on the front end of the relationship: more established, more mature, etc. The minuses all come later, and not as much later as you'd think. Eldercare is not for the faint of heart, especially if you also have your own aging parents to help with. It definitely forecloses options - I did not realize to what extent when we married.[/quote]

Thank you. This is the hard part. His Dad is 86 is really active. [b]But at 86 for him I would be 65, just retiring....[/b][/quote]

And this is the problem: you are in your prime working years. He is close to the end of his career. In five to ten years, he is going to want to retire; maybe move somewhere else (warmer, cheaper, closer to family, etc), and you may need to stay where your job is located. Or he may want to travel extensively, but you will have to work. And you won't be able to retire early because you won't be eligible for Medicare, and insurance, even on the ACA exchanges, is expensive in your late 40s/50s. It's not like leaving the workforce to be a SAHM: you can't be on his insurance when his insurance is Medicare.

Then--and I apologize for being morbid--when you retire, he will be at the end of his life. So you won't get your turn to live somewhere warm while you're still somewhat active, or travel, or spend time with your kids/grandkids because he will be declining, and you will have to take care of him. You may have some good years after he passes, but not many.

From a financial perspective, and assuming you're both middle class, you two most likely don't have a lot of time to build wealth together, since he is close to retirement. So who gets what he has built when he dies? His kids probably feel entitled to it. But you will probably be reliant upon it to maintain your household. This will build resentment, and probably early on. And the same thing happens if you were to die early: would he get your money, or your (presumably minor) children? But the equation feels different when you're talking about grown childrens (which I am assuming his kids are).

My mom and stepdad are ten years apart, and have been married for 25 years, and I see the difficulties they are having now. If I were in your shoes, I would walk away and find someone closer to your age.

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I have a friend who married a guy about 15yrs older than she was. He retired and just became unbearable. Wasn't that great during the marriage either. Well with him retired and her still working she had to pay him alimony. Give it some long hard thought before committing legally to him. Lot of stuff pops out of the wood work. I also know a scenario where the step mother is accused of running through the adult kids inheritance since their father died >10yrs ago. So the money thing with the adult kids is real and a problem. If there is money...you will always be considered the gold digger[/quote]

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