MIL issue-do I end our trip early?

[Anonymous]

After an early marriage fraught with tension because my MIL manipulated and domineered every holiday and every event such that we did not spend any time with my family of origin, I got tough. There is no way I would have agreed to go to 7-11 with my MIL and not my husband, let alone using my precious vacation time to see her. If my husband wants his child to have a relationship with his family, he can take the lead in developing it. I don't expect him to call my mom and dad and arrange holiday plans or dinner, so why should I be expected to make plans with my MIL? If I were you, I would roll my kids in sand and send them directly into the house to say hello to grandma. I would not say a word to her for the rest of the visit beyond what was required. I would go home and never make plans to see her again. If she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she can make the effort. If your husband wants them to have a relationship, he can make the effort. It isn't healthy for your kids to have a relationship with someone who treats their mother so poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After an early marriage fraught with tension because my MIL manipulated and domineered every holiday and every event such that we did not spend any time with my family of origin, I got tough. There is no way I would have agreed to go to 7-11 with my MIL and not my husband, let alone using my precious vacation time to see her. If my husband wants his child to have a relationship with his family, he can take the lead in developing it. I don't expect him to call my mom and dad and arrange holiday plans or dinner, so why should I be expected to make plans with my MIL? If I were you, I would roll my kids in sand and send them directly into the house to say hello to grandma. I would not say a word to her for the rest of the visit beyond what was required. I would go home and never make plans to see her again. If she wants a relationship with her grandchildren, she can make the effort. If your husband wants them to have a relationship, he can make the effort. It isn't healthy for your kids to have a relationship with someone who treats their mother so poorly.

This sounds brutal but I bet it would be effective with OPs MIL. You can't treat nasty people like nice people in the hopes that they'll become nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she still acts like a PITA about it, just say, "[Name], I already apologized for what happened yesterday and it clearly was not my intention to offend you, but you don't seem to be able to let it go. If you can let it go and enjoy our visit, great. If not, there doesn't seem much reason to stay and the kids and I will go in the morning."

+1

Yup. Plus the sandy hugs if you can squeeze them in.

[Anonymous]

+1. As someone who grew up with a mother in your shoes (she tried to make nice so her kids could have a relationship with their grandmother), give some thought to the damage it does kids to see their mother treated poorly by an authority figure in the family who is supposed to love them. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom, understandably, stopped coming to events with my dad's parents. Unfortunately, that left me as the person my grandmother complained to about my mom (she told me when I was 13 that my mom "came from the wrong side of the tracks and didn't understand how holidays should be celebrated" Not true, my mom had far more class than they ever did, but more importantly, why would you tell a kid this?) My dad never stood up to his mom. Ever.

When I was 16, I told my dad I would not see his parents anymore. I told him I was tired of him telling me after they treated me badly that, "but she/they love you!" I told him I don't know what love is, but THIS ISN'T IT. It's been more than 15 years and in that time I've gotten married and had two children of my own. They haven't been a part of any of it. Let a daughter watch her mother be abused and don't be surprised when she decides not to continue that relationship into her adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
People like MIL are often meaner to the people who try to pacify them than to the people who are direct and won't take their shit. I also think it sounds like a messed up dynamic between you/dh/mil. You should not be in this role of keeping the peace by keeping secrets from your husband. What is your big fear in all of this? So your DH is angry at your MIL, what's the worst that could happen?

I agree with everything this PP has to say.

NEVER apologize to her for things like this. The first sorry was sufficient, and even then, in an off-hand tone.

I would stay and brazen it out, without exerting myself one little bit to be polite or make conversation with her. Be at your most charming and pleasant to everybody else around her. Make them all love you. It's called isolating the enemy, first chapter in mean girl behavior

Also I would try to avoid her in the future. There are ways to get together with the rest of the family without her, right? You don't need your MIL, OP. She needs you to have access to the grandkids, and if she's not prepared to be nice for that, then it's not a relationship the grandkids will miss anyway.

What are the other chapters? Seriously, I'd like to know. I could use a bit more "mean girl" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We (kids and I no DH) arrived at IL's yesterday. My SIL and her kids are also here. We spent today at the beach with SIL, BIL an cousins. When we came in to the courtyard/pool area, I asked kids not to go into the main house while I figured out the shower and dinner plan. While I was unpacking the car the kids hopped in the pool with their cousins.

MIL came out and made a snide comment about how it was rude that nobody came in to say hello. I responded by saying "I'm so sorry. I didn't want the kids to get the house sandy and I asked them not to go inside." She replied "Well, I wouldn't have made that choice, but I guess some people thought it was a good idea " She then turned and walked into her bedroom and shut the door. I then showered and when I was finished, I found her and basically fell all over myself apologizing for not greeting her and for offending her. She was again so f#!*=* rude to me and told me not to make excuses and she didn't want to talk about it.

She has a history, of infrequent outbursts of this type. If I tell DH, he will lose his mind and it will start WWIII. I'm the peacekeeper and the one who manages all communications, gifts, vacations etc. I want to pack up my kids and leave tomorrow because I feel like a doormat and also because things are pretty bad wth DH right now and the last thing I need is to take crap from his family. If I pack up and leave it will likely lead to a canceled summer trip with cousins and IL's and no communication for some time.

I want to stand up for myself but I'm not sure I'm prepared for the fallout. WWYD?

What does it mean while you figure out shower and dinner plans? You do it in your car sitting in the drive way while kids ran into the back in the pool. You MIL sounds like a pretty rude person, but to be fair, arriving and not saying hello is also pretty rude. You're at her house or on her property, at anybody's house it's the thing to do - greet the host.

[Anonymous]

You make it sound like she a fixture, something that comes as part of the package. You make is sound like you have the run-of-the-place and can come-and-go on a whim. This is her house? And you are there as a guest? An invited guest of hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We (kids and I no DH) arrived at IL's yesterday. My SIL and her kids are also here. We spent today at the beach with SIL, BIL an cousins. When we came in to the courtyard/pool area, I asked kids not to go into the main house while I figured out the shower and dinner plan. While I was unpacking the car the kids hopped in the pool with their cousins.

MIL came out and made a snide comment about how it was rude that nobody came in to say hello. I responded by saying "I'm so sorry. I didn't want the kids to get the house sandy and I asked them not to go inside." She replied "Well, I wouldn't have made that choice, but I guess some people thought it was a good idea " She then turned and walked into her bedroom and shut the door. I then showered and when I was finished, I found her and basically fell all over myself apologizing for not greeting her and for offending her. She was again so f#!*=* rude to me and told me not to make excuses and she didn't want to talk about it.

She has a history, of infrequent outbursts of this type. If I tell DH, he will lose his mind and it will start WWIII. I'm the peacekeeper and the one who manages all communications, gifts, vacations etc. I want to pack up my kids and leave tomorrow because I feel like a doormat and also because things are pretty bad wth DH right now and the last thing I need is to take crap from his family. If I pack up and leave it will likely lead to a canceled summer trip with cousins and IL's and no communication for some time.

I want to stand up for myself but I'm not sure I'm prepared for the fallout. WWYD?

What does it mean while you figure out shower and dinner plans? You do it in your car sitting in the drive way while kids ran into the back in the pool. You MIL sounds like a pretty rude person, but to be fair, arriving and not saying hello is also pretty rude. You're at her house or on her property, at anybody's house it's the thing to do - greet the host.

It sounds like they came back from the beach - and she was figuring out who was going to shower in the outdoor shower as well as talking to her BIL/SIL outside in the courtyard to figure out dinner.

Not that they just arrived from out of town and went directly to the pool. They just did not say hello after returning from some time at the beach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We (kids and I no DH) arrived at IL's yesterday. My SIL and her kids are also here. We spent today at the beach with SIL, BIL an cousins. When we came in to the courtyard/pool area, I asked kids not to go into the main house while I figured out the shower and dinner plan. While I was unpacking the car the kids hopped in the pool with their cousins.

MIL came out and made a snide comment about how it was rude that nobody came in to say hello. I responded by saying "I'm so sorry. I didn't want the kids to get the house sandy and I asked them not to go inside." She replied "Well, I wouldn't have made that choice, but I guess some people thought it was a good idea " She then turned and walked into her bedroom and shut the door. I then showered and when I was finished, I found her and basically fell all over myself apologizing for not greeting her and for offending her. She was again so f#!*=* rude to me and told me not to make excuses and she didn't want to talk about it.

She has a history, of infrequent outbursts of this type. If I tell DH, he will lose his mind and it will start WWIII. I'm the peacekeeper and the one who manages all communications, gifts, vacations etc. I want to pack up my kids and leave tomorrow because I feel like a doormat and also because things are pretty bad wth DH right now and the last thing I need is to take crap from his family. If I pack up and leave it will likely lead to a canceled summer trip with cousins and IL's and no communication for some time.

I want to stand up for myself but I'm not sure I'm prepared for the fallout. WWYD?

What does it mean while you figure out shower and dinner plans? You do it in your car sitting in the drive way while kids ran into the back in the pool. You MIL sounds like a pretty rude person, but to be fair, arriving and not saying hello is also pretty rude. You're at her house or on her property, at anybody's house it's the thing to do - greet the host.

Fair enough, but that doesn't give MIL the right to continue to be a huge bitch after OP apologized.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1. As someone who grew up with a mother in your shoes (she tried to make nice so her kids could have a relationship with their grandmother), give some thought to the damage it does kids to see their mother treated poorly by an authority figure in the family who is supposed to love them. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom, understandably, stopped coming to events with my dad's parents. Unfortunately, that left me as the person my grandmother complained to about my mom (she told me when I was 13 that my mom "came from the wrong side of the tracks and didn't understand how holidays should be celebrated" Not true, my mom had far more class than they ever did, but more importantly, why would you tell a kid this?) My dad never stood up to his mom. Ever.

When I was 16, I told my dad I would not see his parents anymore. I told him I was tired of him telling me after they treated me badly that, "but she/they love you!" I told him I don't know what love is, but THIS ISN'T IT. It's been more than 15 years and in that time I've gotten married and had two children of my own. They haven't been a part of any of it. Let a daughter watch her mother be abused and don't be surprised when she decides not to continue that relationship into her adulthood.

No one ever mentions this!! it's so true. so damn lame for the mom to be poorly treated.

[Anonymous]

You're a good person for doing all you do to encourage that relationship, OK. You sound like a great mom and someone I would like to be friends with.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I received the non apology this morning. She told me that the comment was intended for everyone but she was sorry I bore the brunt of it. So not really an apology but in her own way I guess.

As far as the coming in the house issue. They live in one of those courtyard homes where you go through the front door to the pool area. There is a cabana and an entrance to the main house- technically we were inside and FIL came right out to see everyone. SIL, BIL and I were dealing with towels, beach toys etc and the kids jumped in the pool.

The other part is that I love the siblings and FIL and even MIL is generally ok- just these outburst have been problematic. Someday I'll tell you about our wedding..

DH has issues with his mom from childhood but he is not the easiest guy either so I make an extra effort to keep everyone connected.

One more day- thanks for the support guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make it sound like she a fixture, something that comes as part of the package. You make is sound like you have the run-of-the-place and can come-and-go on a whim. This is her house? And you are there as a guest? An invited guest of hers?

Hello, OP's MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I received the non apology this morning. She told me that the comment was intended for everyone but she was sorry I bore the brunt of it. So not really an apology but in her own way I guess.

As far as the coming in the house issue. They live in one of those courtyard homes where you go through the front door to the pool area. There is a cabana and an entrance to the main house- technically we were inside and FIL came right out to see everyone. SIL, BIL and I were dealing with towels, beach toys etc and the kids jumped in the pool.

The other part is that I love the siblings and FIL and even MIL is generally ok- just these outburst have been problematic. Someday I'll tell you about our wedding..

DH has issues with his mom from childhood but he is not the easiest guy either so I make an extra effort to keep everyone connected.

One more day- thanks for the support guys.

I think the fact that FIL was greeted right away makes MIL even more in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP. I totally feel for you. It takes me back to days with my kids (now teenagers) when they were little at my parents' beach house. It was my mother not IL who was difficult to put it nicely. I once tried to make a pitcher of iced tea and did 7 different things wrong in the process. (I am not kidding - I bet you didn't even know there were 7 different steps)

If you are still reading this string and haven't packed up yet - I have been there myself and lived to come out the other end.

FWIW - I stuck it out every year because I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, cousins, etc. They still talk about the times they spent at my parents beach house as some of their favorite vacation time. I also think it is a great lesson for the kids to see you handle a difficult person with grace. I cried in the bathroom a few times and did A LOT of deep breathing, probably a few eye rolls and a glass of chardonnay did wonders.

Hang in there, and I hope you have some fun.