MIL issue-do I end our trip early?

[Anonymous]

I assume your kids are young? She's nice to the kids now, but I'm sure, if she's willing to be mean to you, she'll be mean to them as they get older too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
People like MIL are often meaner to the people who try to pacify them than to the people who are direct and won't take their shit. I also think it sounds like a messed up dynamic between you/dh/mil. You should not be in this role of keeping the peace by keeping secrets from your husband. What is your big fear in all of this? So your DH is angry at your MIL, what's the worst that could happen?

I agree with everything this PP has to say.

NEVER apologize to her for things like this. The first sorry was sufficient, and even then, in an off-hand tone.

I would stay and brazen it out, without exerting myself one little bit to be polite or make conversation with her. Be at your most charming and pleasant to everybody else around her. Make them all love you. It's called isolating the enemy, first chapter in mean girl behavior

Also I would try to avoid her in the future. There are ways to get together with the rest of the family without her, right? You don't need your MIL, OP. She needs you to have access to the grandkids, and if she's not prepared to be nice for that, then it's not a relationship the grandkids will miss anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to go home. Just stop apologizing and offering explanations. You gave a reasonable response. Enjoy your trip as best as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright, I'll stay, I loathe conflict and I hate that she gets to me. I never cry and she had me in tears today. She is nice to the kids. They love her and are oblivious. FIL is a lovely man.

The worst part is that I can't tell DH because he will escalate things beyond repair. So, thanks for letting me vent to you guys.

People like MIL are often meaner to the people who try to pacify them than to the people who are direct and won't take their shit. I also think it sounds like a messed up dynamic between you/dh/mil. You should not be in this role of keeping the peace by keeping secrets from your husband. What is your big fear in all of this? So your DH is angry at your MIL, what's the worst that could happen?

You are spot on pp. the dynamic is totally messed up. If DH took the lead we'd have no relationship with his anyone in his family. It's important to me that the kids know their grandparents and cousins so I stuck my neck out. Now I think I have to deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Don't apologize or escalate. Your response was fine initially, she says something crazy, and you just silently roll your eyes at her. She's a crazy old bat, don't take anything she says seriously.

[Anonymous]

Stick around as planned. Tell your DH when you get home. It's not a good idea to keep secrets from your DH.

The problem is your MIL clearly has a problem, and nothing you say will change that. You should stand up for yourself, but OTOH, it might be a better strategy to just walk away and ignore it all.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I have a horrible MIL. I finally just gave up on visiting her (kids are teens, no real reason to visit any more, they know what she's like). I tried for years to develop a good relationship with her for the sake of the kids, but finally gave up. There's only so much rude shit I can take from my MIL. No more visits, and I'm relieved.

Best if luck to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

If she was so excited to see you why did she stay in the house? She should have come out to say hello to everyone... why wasn't she at the beach? She sounds like a toddler. You are a better person than I am. This reminds me of the whole... you never call me argument... phone rings on both ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she was so excited to see you why did she stay in the house? She should have come out to say hello to everyone... why wasn't she at the beach? She sounds like a toddler. You are a better person than I am. This reminds me of the whole... you never call me argument... phone rings on both ends.

Ha! She does the you never call me thing to, but only to DH. He refuses to play along.

[Anonymous]

I can sorta see why she was upset initially, but once you apologized (twice!) she should have let it go. Is the thing she is really upset about the fact that your DH isn't visiting her?
Let us know how it's going!

[Anonymous]

Open up this thread in your email and leave your computer open then leave. Let her read about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We (kids and I no DH) arrived at IL's yesterday. My SIL and her kids are also here. We spent today at the beach with SIL, BIL an cousins. When we came in to the courtyard/pool area, I asked kids not to go into the main house while I figured out the shower and dinner plan. While I was unpacking the car the kids hopped in the pool with their cousins.

MIL came out and made a snide comment about how it was rude that nobody came in to say hello. I responded by saying "I'm so sorry. I didn't want the kids to get the house sandy and I asked them not to go inside." She replied "Well, I wouldn't have made that choice, but I guess some people thought it was a good idea " She then turned and walked into her bedroom and shut the door. I then showered and when I was finished, I found her and basically fell all over myself apologizing for not greeting her and for offending her. She was again so f#!*=* rude to me and told me not to make excuses and she didn't want to talk about it.

She has a history, of infrequent outbursts of this type. If I tell DH, he will lose his mind and it will start WWIII. I'm the peacekeeper and the one who manages all communications, gifts, vacations etc. I want to pack up my kids and leave tomorrow because I feel like a doormat and also because things are pretty bad wth DH right now and the last thing I need is to take crap from his family. If I pack up and leave it will likely lead to a canceled summer trip with cousins and IL's and no communication for some time.

I want to stand up for myself but I'm not sure I'm prepared for the fallout. WWYD?

Stand up for yourself - jeez, what is wrong with you.
Some terseness is called for - stop over apologizing.
Sure, say sorry once. If she doesn't move in and keeps lighting into you point out that she is being very rude and that she is making you and your family feel very uncomfortable. Be very clear about how she is making you feel. Then let her know that if her rudeness continues you won't feel comfortable staying.

How did she get so rude?! Who created this monster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick around as planned. Tell your DH when you get home. It's not a good idea to keep secrets from your DH.

The problem is your MIL clearly has a problem, and nothing you say will change that. You should stand up for yourself, but OTOH, it might be a better strategy to just walk away and ignore it all.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I have a horrible MIL. I finally just gave up on visiting her (kids are teens, no real reason to visit any more, they know what she's like). I tried for years to develop a good relationship with her for the sake of the kids, but finally gave up. There's only so much rude shit I can take from my MIL. No more visits, and I'm relieved.

Best if luck to you, OP!

Agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

Stay for tomorrow. After coming home from the beach, send your sandy, wet children inside to go greet Granny with big hugs. Make sure they walk all over the house and then out the back door to the pool.

[Anonymous]

Do you kids have a relationship with their grandparents? I have been doing things similar to you for the sake of the relationship and just this year had the ah ha moment that my ILs "want" a relationship in theory with their grand kids - but don't actually engage with them when we visit [for example will be playing words with friends with another grandchild during our visit]

Given this - I gave up. I am not going to try and create opportunities b/c they will say they want them but they really don't. It is much healthier for me to spend time with my kids that is healthy and relaxing for everyone then for me to be stressed and frustrated. I would just tell her - thanks for hosting we need to go - you forgot about an important apt and you will catch up soon.

Lots of love ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she still acts like a PITA about it, just say, "[Name], I already apologized for what happened yesterday and it clearly was not my intention to offend you, but you don't seem to be able to let it go. If you can let it go and enjoy our visit, great. If not, there doesn't seem much reason to stay and the kids and I will go in the morning."

+1