not going to bar mitzvah, send gift?

[Anonymous]

Typically the bar/bat mitzvah has a charitable project or component as well. What I would do is send a small check for the charitable project and a gift card for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If 2 adults were invited and your husbands work together and it's a professional position or Executive, I would give 100. If your husband works minimum wage at a fast food place then 18.

bribery?

I think if your husband works minimum wage at a fast food place, you would not be the kind of people who get invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send $36 if it is not a big deal to you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to ask it, but are these events just a gift grab? Inviting business colleagues the child has never met who don’t even share the same faith seems like it’s reaching pretty far. Clearly having you at the event is not personally meaningful for the child, so are they just casting a wide net for some other purpose?

I have a lot of close friends at work. These are people I see everyday. My kids are pre Bar Mitzvah age, but I'll likely invite several work friends because we are close and it is a big family celebration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Like a wedding, if you do not attend, do not send a gift.

I always send a gift if I don't attend the wedding.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to ask it, but are these events just a gift grab? Inviting business colleagues the child has never met who don’t even share the same faith seems like it’s reaching pretty far. Clearly having you at the event is not personally meaningful for the child, so are they just casting a wide net for some other purpose?

I have a lot of close friends at work. These are people I see everyday. My kids are pre Bar Mitzvah age, but I'll likely invite several work friends because we are close and it is a big family celebration.

Christian here. I've been to several Bat/Bar Mitzvahs.

The first invitation was from someone who worked for my DH before we had kids. We were honored to be invited and were very impressed with the ceremony. Totally blown away by the party which was quite extravagant. (It was twin girls.) Really impressed with the kids who were there and how the adults and the young teens all had a great time.

Since then, we've been invited by neighbors and friends of our kids. Always impressed by the ceremony and the party. Again, loved how much fun everyone has--kids and adults.

And, the work and effort that goes into the ceremony and reading Hebrew is interesting and impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another Jew, here to prove that if you ask two Jews, you will get three opinions. For an acquaintance relationship, gift or no gift is extremely optional. Personally, I'd send a small gift if you have a relationship with the kid, otherwise, I'd skip. Trust me, no one will notice or care if you don't send one.

The $18 thing personally drives me nuts on this board. It's a bid of Jewish numerology superstition that people do our of tradition or for good luck. Reading this board, you'd think it was a major faux pas to give a $20 iTunes card.

+1

I had a Bat Mitzvah and never heard of the $18 thing till I started reading DCUM. No one (NY area) gave me anything related to $18.

[Anonymous]

For the PPs who think it is weird that the dad of the boy becoming a Bar Mitzvah invited a work friend... my dad died recently and at the shiva several of his work friends came up to me and told me they still remember how much fun they had at my brother's bar mitzvah and how nice it was to be invited. All these men were in their 70s and I definitely wasn't fishing around for them to say this (I had forgotten all about it). My dad was a science professor and a lot of his friends were from other countries with few (if any) Jews. So I get that makes it a bit different as compared to here where it might be seen as just one more obligation - but I would still hope that people would not see the invitation as a "gift grab" but instead as an invitation to share a major family moment with those near and dear to us -- including our friends from work.

[And I totally agree that this multiples of 18 thing is overblown on this message board!!!]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Like a wedding, if you do not attend, do not send a gift.

You are still supposed to send a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Like a wedding, if you do not attend, do not send a gift.

You actually send a gift if you don’t attend wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly there are those here who do not understand the purpose and meaning of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah (maybe those organizing Events, maybe just those in attendance who don't understand, not sure). These kids have been going to religious school since kindergarten or first grade, working on Hebrew for several years, and are leading a service in a house of worship. They work their tails off, as 13 year olds, and I have been to many, have planned two, and I'm always brought to the point of tears at the services as the kids demonstrate their knowledge.

Some families, like mine, are large. The family expects a party, so you throw one. It's not a gift grab, it's a life cycle event, for the entire family comes together to celebrate, and honor, this young person who has completed this enormous task.

Yes, it’s a very important milestone for the whole family. But a work colleague who has never met the kid is very different. Some above have told touching stories about close work friends who were invited, but OP.’s work friendship doesn’t even seem particularly close. In that sense it does seem like a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send a congratulatory card with a check in it closer to the event, not in the reply card (hint - don't wait until Fri night to run to CVS or the grocery store to get the card, because they will have run out).

I'm in an inter-faith family, and no way would I compare my niece and nephews confirmation in first or second grade (where they are all dressed up as brides and grooms - I get the bride of Christ thing, but still find it creepy) or even the one when they were 14 15 16? To our kids Bar Mitzvahs. Showing up/dressing up and accepting the sacrament (younger), and listening to the bishop screaming about not having premarital sex (older) is not the same as learning to read from the Torah, in a different language, with different letters, and running an entire service in front of family and friends. Those who think it's a money grab, are clearly not Jewish. It has nothing to do with the money, and all about how proud you are of your child/relative for learning amd doing all this at age 13. I have a large family, my husband has a large family too. So, the Bar Mitavahs we held were huge (and the only ones husbands family had ever been to, including all the nieces and nephews from Texas who all went to Catholic School). Believe me, I wish they didn't have to be so big, but that's what big families do. What the kids got in $$ was about 1/4 of what we spent (and they weren't fancy/formal, just large) so if it was all about $$ we wouldn't of had one and could have just saved that money.

Yes, of course, all Jewish traditions, even if they’re an obvious money grab because you don’t even socialize with the work colleague who has never met your kid, are awesome and solemn events. And anything involving Christianity is creepy and involves screaming bishops.

I pity your husband and kids, pp. You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would send a congratulatory card with a check in it closer to the event, not in the reply card (hint - don't wait until Fri night to run to CVS or the grocery store to get the card, because they will have run out).

I'm in an inter-faith family, and no way would I compare my niece and nephews confirmation in first or second grade (where they are all dressed up as brides and grooms - I get the bride of Christ thing, but still find it creepy) or even the one when they were 14 15 16? To our kids Bar Mitzvahs. Showing up/dressing up and accepting the sacrament (younger), and listening to the bishop screaming about not having premarital sex (older) is not the same as learning to read from the Torah, in a different language, with different letters, and running an entire service in front of family and friends. Those who think it's a money grab, are clearly not Jewish. It has nothing to do with the money, and all about how proud you are of your child/relative for learning amd doing all this at age 13. I have a large family, my husband has a large family too. So, the Bar Mitavahs we held were huge (and the only ones husbands family had ever been to, including all the nieces and nephews from Texas who all went to Catholic School). Believe me, I wish they didn't have to be so big, but that's what big families do. What the kids got in $$ was about 1/4 of what we spent (and they weren't fancy/formal, just large) so if it was all about $$ we wouldn't of had one and could have just saved that money.

Yes, of course, all Jewish traditions, even if they’re an obvious money grab because you don’t even socialize with the work colleague who has never met your kid, are awesome and solemn events. And anything involving Christianity is creepy and involves screaming bishops.

I pity your husband and kids, pp. You suck.

And then you go to the thread on where should Jews live and wonder why interfaith relations are bad. Top pp, you need to learn tolerance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would send a congratulatory card with a check in it closer to the event, not in the reply card (hint - don't wait until Fri night to run to CVS or the grocery store to get the card, because they will have run out).

I'm in an inter-faith family, and no way would I compare my niece and nephews confirmation in first or second grade (where they are all dressed up as brides and grooms - I get the bride of Christ thing, but still find it creepy) or even the one when they were 14 15 16? To our kids Bar Mitzvahs. Showing up/dressing up and accepting the sacrament (younger), and listening to the bishop screaming about not having premarital sex (older) is not the same as learning to read from the Torah, in a different language, with different letters, and running an entire service in front of family and friends. Those who think it's a money grab, are clearly not Jewish. It has nothing to do with the money, and all about how proud you are of your child/relative for learning amd doing all this at age 13. I have a large family, my husband has a large family too. So, the Bar Mitavahs we held were huge (and the only ones husbands family had ever been to, including all the nieces and nephews from Texas who all went to Catholic School). Believe me, I wish they didn't have to be so big, but that's what big families do. What the kids got in $$ was about 1/4 of what we spent (and they weren't fancy/formal, just large) so if it was all about $$ we wouldn't of had one and could have just saved that money.

Yes, of course, all Jewish traditions, even if they’re an obvious money grab because you don’t even socialize with the work colleague who has never met your kid, are awesome and solemn events. And anything involving Christianity is creepy and involves screaming bishops.

I pity your husband and kids, pp. You suck.

And then you go to the thread on where should Jews live and wonder why interfaith relations are bad. Top pp, you need to learn tolerance yourself.

For sure top pp is one of the posters who is trashing communion etc. on the other thread, under the cover of anonymity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the PPs who think it is weird that the dad of the boy becoming a Bar Mitzvah invited a work friend... my dad died recently and at the shiva several of his work friends came up to me and told me they still remember how much fun they had at my brother's bar mitzvah and how nice it was to be invited. All these men were in their 70s and I definitely wasn't fishing around for them to say this (I had forgotten all about it). My dad was a science professor and a lot of his friends were from other countries with few (if any) Jews. So I get that makes it a bit different as compared to here where it might be seen as just one more obligation - but I would still hope that people would not see the invitation as a "gift grab" but instead as an invitation to share a major family moment with those near and dear to us -- including our friends from work.

[And I totally agree that this multiples of 18 thing is overblown on this message board!!!]

This is totally different, very warm and they sound like close friends.

OP has been invited to a money grab. It’s like inviting people to your wedding that you’ve never met. Even when your parents send you that list of their friends they’d like you to invite, the standard is that you’ve met them at least several times.