Did you fall in love with your AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry Op, how long has he been having an affair? Did he tell you?

He won't tell me, he said the timing isn't important.

That's terrible. Did you know about the affair before this? How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your situation, op? Why are you asking the question?

DH has been having an affair and is in love with the AP. He told me he doesn't love me anymore nor does he find me attractive.

There we go. What you actually needed to get out.

So. Are you two divorcing? What's the plan? Do you need some sympathy from the folks here to tell you your dh is an asshole?

Of course people fall in love with their ap. Or they fall in lust. Sometimes they stay in love with their spouse. Sometimes not.

What do you want to do?

Why so harsh?

Sorry, was that harsh? It wasn't meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry Op, how long has he been having an affair? Did he tell you?

He won't tell me, he said the timing isn't important.

That's terrible. Did you know about the affair before this? How did you find out?

I suspected it for while, but I was in denial and gave him the benefit of the doubt. He admitted it to me when he said he wanted a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op move on and don't look back. His appeal will be less and less the longer he is with this trollop. Reality will set in, and she too will be stuck with a cheating loser. The fact he did all this with a child at home speaks volumes for the type of person he is. Be happy, find a good person. Next time research their past so you don't fall into the same trap. Somehow you missed the signs early on about him.

Get your child support, and make sure the visitation is clearly written out. I would also suggest getting it in writing so he can't have ANYONE watch your child unless it's him or a agreed upon sitter. I've had a few friends do this because the guy would have different bimbos watching the kid or spending the night.

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine left her husband of 16 years for a AP. I didn't know she was cheating on him, but found out later why she kept going back home so much. Her husband was nice and didn't deserve that but as karma often comes back around it did with her. After a year she admitted she made a big mistake and tried to get back with her ex. He told her to jump in a lake, it all went downward from there.

[Anonymous]

Do this for now on...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do this for now on...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Or just separate, file for divorce, and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do this for now on...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Or just separate, file for divorce, and move on with your life.

+1000 Yeah, why pretend everything is just rosy... Kick him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do this for now on...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Or just separate, file for divorce, and move on with your life.

This. OP needs to get a lawyer, it's been long over. Being needy is not attractive nor productive. Also why would you want someone that did that? It's not love it's only dependency at this point because change is hard. I wouldn't talk to him, quick texts to discuss visitation with the child while you are trying to get full custody and good child support. Now is the time to be smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your situation, op? Why are you asking the question?

DH has been having an affair and is in love with the AP. He told me he doesn't love me anymore nor does he find me attractive.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes (although my DH did not fall in love with the AP and wanted to stay and work things out).

In your situation I would follow the advice of some of the posters on this forum and would get a lawyer asap...and pursue separation. It's a long hard road even if he does change his mind and decide he wants to reconcile. Take care of yourself and take some action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do this for now on...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Kick his worthless butt out or OP can move out herself. Get a ball buster lawyer, and somehow get your self esteem back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your situation, op? Why are you asking the question?

DH has been having an affair and is in love with the AP. He told me he doesn't love me anymore nor does he find me attractive.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes (although my DH did not fall in love with the AP and wanted to stay and work things out).

In your situation I would follow the advice of some of the posters on this forum and would get a lawyer asap...and pursue separation. It's a long hard road even if he does change his mind and decide he wants to reconcile. Take care of yourself and take some action.

Even if he did change his mind, he would throw her under the bus down the road. It's over and how she handles it depends on how hard the road is. Meet new friends, join a single club or dating site. Being happy is the best revenge. AP is stuck with a cheater, be happy he's off your hands OP; he's a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Or just separate, file for divorce, and move on with your life.

This. OP needs to get a lawyer, it's been long over. Being needy is not attractive nor productive. Also why would you want someone that did that? It's not love it's only dependency at this point because change is hard. I wouldn't talk to him, quick texts to discuss visitation with the child while you are trying to get full custody and good child support. Now is the time to be smart.

Joint custody. For the child's benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel in Love with with AP and he fell in love with me. Even when he broke it off with me he said I Love You over and over because he said it was the last words he wanted me to hear. He would not divorce because he did not believe in it so he is with his wife whom he also loves. Complicated.

When someone tells you he loves you, it does not mean he does actually love you. Oftentimes people say what they think the other person wants to hear. People do this - say what they think the other person wants to hear instead of the truth - because they want the person to whom they're lying to respond in a way they wouldn't otherwise if told the truth. Another reason why people lie like this is because they are afraid of dealing with negative emotions or consequences.

If you really want to know if a person loves you, as opposed to their just saying they love you to achieve a goal, then observe their ACTIONS instead of their WORDS. Do their actions show respect for you? Are they able to put the needs of others first? Do they care enough about you to tell you the truth about what they're doing and feeling and let you make your own decision in response without trying to influence you even when the consequences of your decision could have a negative effect on them? These are the kind of actions that stem from love.

I am very sorry your AP did not love you. Your AP used you for sex. He never had any intent to leave his wife, because he does not believe in it, although he did not love and respect you enough yo tell you that before you started sleeping together. He told you he loves you repeatedly as he broke up with you because he didn't want to be the bad guy.

Confusing intent with action is the classic tactic of the abuser. He convinces his victim to tolerate his abusive actions because his intent is good. I'm hitting you, but only because I love you so much it makes me jealous. Or, I'm cheating on you, but I would never leave you. Or I won't leave her for you but I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Or just separate, file for divorce, and move on with your life.

This. OP needs to get a lawyer, it's been long over. Being needy is not attractive nor productive. Also why would you want someone that did that? It's not love it's only dependency at this point because change is hard. I wouldn't talk to him, quick texts to discuss visitation with the child while you are trying to get full custody and good child support. Now is the time to be smart.

Joint custody. For the child's benefit.

Joint custody doesn't work, going back and forth especially when the child get's older is very hard. Either way it will be up to the judge, but she should try for custody.