If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?

[Anonymous]

Let's be honest--most people who are divorced and contemplating re-marriage don't give a rat's ass what their kids really think about it. Oh they'll give lip service to wanting the kids to be happy but when it comes down to it the kids come second to the adults' "wants."

[Anonymous]

PP here: The proof of my contention is in the thread title. It asks if the step-parents are happy--not if their children are happy, or if the blended family is happy.

As a rule these people are typically extremely self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest--most people who are divorced and contemplating re-marriage don't give a rat's ass what their kids really think about it. Oh they'll give lip service to wanting the kids to be happy but when it comes down to it the kids come second to the adults' "wants."

+1. Or they delude themselves that the kids are/will be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

YOURS did not work out. There are plenty that are working just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

YOURS did not work out. There are plenty that are working just fine.

See PP about self-deluding parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest--most people who are divorced and contemplating re-marriage don't give a rat's ass what their kids really think about it. Oh they'll give lip service to wanting the kids to be happy but when it comes down to it the kids come second to the adults' "wants."

+1. Or they delude themselves that the kids are/will be happy.

Usually the reason people with kids get remarried is so they can have a step-mom or step-dad to take some of the load off of themselves. When both have their own kids not sure exactly how that makes anything easier. Or they do it for financial reasons thinking combining households will be cheaper.

So what you've really got is the step-mom and step-dad trying to outmaneuver each other as to which one gets the upper hand in the second marriage i.e. who gets the most benefits out of it. Combine that with "ex" issues on both sides, and you can see why it would be a nightmare more times than not.

You can even see the selfishness in some of the responses--"Why should I have to wait to be happy?" etc.

None of these "steps" think they're at fault for the failure of their prior marriage anyway. It's always the other person's fault, right?

Nowadays there's absolutely no reason to re-marry unless it's for some perceived financial advantage. No one cares if you live with someone else anymore without being married to them. So these "steps" re-marry for money, help with their kids, health insurance, revenge, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

YOURS did not work out. There are plenty that are working just fine.

See PP about self-deluding parents.

I saw it. That PP is not the be-all-end-all authority on successful blended families, divorces, or coparenting relationships, particularly given their clear anti-divorce bias.

[Anonymous]

I'm happy. We are fairly new to being a blended family. I feel you about the stresses, OP, and how being single looks wistfully easier sometimes. But overall, I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy. We are fairly new to being a blended family. I feel you about the stresses, OP, and how being single looks wistfully easier sometimes. But overall, I'm happy.

I'll also add that my dc is well-adjusted and adores his stepdad as well as his biodad, who is very involved. We're handling it like grownups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad married my stepmom when I was 13. A condition of their marriage that I didn't learn about until much later in life was that he would not have kids with her until my brother and I graduated college.

They have been together for 30 yrs now. She is my other mom. I'm glad my dad is happy and she takes great care of him, all of the kids, and the grandkids.

That's not really fair to her, given her age, she then might not have any kids.

NP here. I'm sure they discussed it and she walked into it with her eyes open. My dh and I had several long heart-to-hearts about not having bio kids together before we married. The last thing I wanted is for him to feel cheated out of fathering biological kids, and I would have preferred he not marry me if he wasn't at peace with that. He was, and we are doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be honest--most people who are divorced and contemplating re-marriage don't give a rat's ass what their kids really think about it. Oh they'll give lip service to wanting the kids to be happy but when it comes down to it the kids come second to the adults' "wants."

+1. Or they delude themselves that the kids are/will be happy.

+1

My daughter use to tell me all about her friends and how awful their households were. I still remember taking my daughter to her friends Bday, and I thought the dad looked a lot different. Turned out they had divorced, bimbo mom moved a bf/new husband and his 2 kids into their home. Her daughter and the brother couldn't stand any of them. My daughter told me how miserable it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

I have a couple of friends who divorced and remarried and from the outside looking in, I bet their kids will say something similar to this one day.

Both friends have been re-married for about 3 years and both are facing the same exact issues from their first marriage. Then there is the burden of all the extra family relationships including their ex spouses having remarried and having kids. The kids on the surface seem ok but one of my friend constantly complains to anyone who will listen including her DD, that her DD is too whiny, too bratty and used to be more "mature" when she was younger (her DD is now 9). She never seems to correlate the change in her DD's behavior to the divorce/remarriage/new kids/new spouse/new houses routine. I do think parents really gloss over the situation and just really want everything to be ok. A few weeks ago we were driving her DD home after a playdate and I said that we had to hurry and get her home because it was getting late and she just randomly said I don't really have a home - I have mom's house and dad's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

I have a couple of friends who divorced and remarried and from the outside looking in, I bet their kids will say something similar to this one day.

Both friends have been re-married for about 3 years and both are facing the same exact issues from their first marriage. Then there is the burden of all the extra family relationships including their ex spouses having remarried and having kids. The kids on the surface seem ok but one of my friend constantly complains to anyone who will listen including her DD, that her DD is too whiny, too bratty and used to be more "mature" when she was younger (her DD is now 9). She never seems to correlate the change in her DD's behavior to the divorce/remarriage/new kids/new spouse/new houses routine. I do think parents really gloss over the situation and just really want everything to be ok. A few weeks ago we were driving her DD home after a playdate and I said that we had to hurry and get her home because it was getting late and she just randomly said I don't really have a home - I have mom's house and dad's house.

Can I chime in with an Amen on this. My parents' decision to divorce was entirely driven on selfish reasons, i.e. their own "happiness," which has proved elusive to either of them. They spent my entire childhood chasing what they felt was missing. Passion. What they found were a strong of marriages/long term relationships that fizzeled out the second the "passion" left. In the middle? Their kids and new children who were both during this journey. Messy and stupid all around.

My parents don't see it, but it's why they don't have a close relationship with their kids. It's crazy and stupid what they did (I say this as a married 30 something with children now). Life isn't all passion and yes, there are YEARS where you are just plugging along trying to cultivate a sense of kindness and respect in the face of money stress or small children, work issues, etc.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am in one of the more "successful" blended families that I've seen. My DH and I each had one daughter, and now we have a son together.

For all that we've navigated successfully, I would never, ever advocate divorce for anyone. Many people don't realize the reality and impact I think, until it's too late. I would never do it again given the choice, and I will try to guide my children to never do it either.

Even the best blended family is not as good as an intact family.

Too many schedules, ex's, managing, feelings, conflict, money issues, etc. Ex: Is my DH closer to his kid than mine? Am I spending more on my daughter's Christmas than his? How is it fair to our children that his kid is in 6 extracurriculars and ours are in one? Are we slighting a kid because we went on vacation without one of them because visitation didn't coincide with our holiday?

^These are all real, and they suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A complete an utter cluster fuck, that is what remarriage did to my family. So selfish of my parents to divorce and remarry and create new families.

Blended families do not work out. The Brady Bunch scenario is a myth. My parents only created the same problems with new people. They should have just stayed together. It would have been cheaper and created less heartache for all.

YOURS did not work out. There are plenty that are working just fine.

+1. As a kid, it worked very well in our household. But we didn't use the "step" label at all. My youngest brother and sister would be step siblings to most on this board, but it never occurred to me to view them as such. I'm everyone's big sis.