If you are in a second marriage/blended family, are you happy?

[Anonymous]

I've been married to my second husband for 6 years, we both have 2 kids. DH is a great husband but there is so much stress dealing with kids (my kids, his kids) and ex's that sometimes I really wish I had stayed single. Tell me about your situation and if you are happy.

[Anonymous]

I was raised in one of these families. Nobody mistreated me, but the logistics were pretty complicated and our family life always felt scattered. We often didn't get to do things we wanted to do. I never really bonded with my mom's husband's kids despite similar ages, and at this point we aren't in touch. I think we may have to be more in touch if our parents are still married when they are old, of course, to take care of the parents.

My only advice to you is to lower your expectations. My mom's attempts to force us to be a happy family always backfired and created more resentment. Just let everyone be how they are.

[Anonymous]

I have been divorced 6 years and have children ranging from 26 - 12 and haven't remarried in part due to the blended family. EW remarried and kids tolerate it, but know they don't care. Will wait until the 12 yo gets to HS b4 considering marriage. FTR the kids only met 1 gf over the years

[Anonymous]

Don't see any upside to this. Sounds like a huge headache. For what? Dealing with a new set of in laws. Step parenting issues. Step sibling issues.

And the divorce rates for second marriages are high.

[Anonymous]

I'm happy. My kids are happy. I think DH is stressed because his exwife is stressed and is very shrill with the kids. I think the kids are happy but stressed with her and then sometimes get sad at being happy with us (a feeling of lack of loyalty).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised in one of these families. Nobody mistreated me, but the logistics were pretty complicated and our family life always felt scattered. We often didn't get to do things we wanted to do. I never really bonded with my mom's husband's kids despite similar ages, and at this point we aren't in touch. I think we may have to be more in touch if our parents are still married when they are old, of course, to take care of the parents.

My only advice to you is to lower your expectations. My mom's attempts to force us to be a happy family always backfired and created more resentment. Just let everyone be how they are.

I try to let everyone be. DH wants us to do more things all together. The kids are all teenagers and it is very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't see any upside to this. Sounds like a huge headache. For what? Dealing with a new set of in laws. Step parenting issues. Step sibling issues.

And the divorce rates for second marriages are high.

Yes, I know....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy. My kids are happy. I think DH is stressed because his exwife is stressed and is very shrill with the kids. I think the kids are happy but stressed with her and then sometimes get sad at being happy with us (a feeling of lack of loyalty).

Do your stepkids live with you?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't work most of the time. Your kids together often don't want his visiting their house, don't want them on holidays, or vacations. His kids are being used as spies by bm. Step kid lives in a different school district so you realize you can only take your kids on vacations, plus it keeps the peace. Oil and water is't going to mix no matter what. You and dh can do other things with steps, so sometime keeping it separate is the best especially if everyone if everyone is miserable.

Many people now co-parent with their new spouse, instead of the ex. This seems to work out best especially when there are problems. Have everything written out in court so there is no discussion or ambiguity when visits occur.

[Anonymous]

This is my and my husband's second marriage each. I have 1 child from my first marriage. He has 2 cats from his first marriage.

Honestly, the logistics are not that complicated. We trade off Thanksgiving and Christmas with DD's dad and his wife (who have a baby together). We have had a joint party for DD's birthday thus far, which has been fine. DD is with them for half the week and us for the other half. Trade offs happen around her school schedule, so he brings her to school on Monday and picks her up up Thursday. We communicate by email about important issues, but generally do not interact that much other than that. I have not actually seen him face to face in several months and likely will not until spring break at the end of the month.

As to the PP about upsides, for me, the upside is my husband. He is amazing. When things are stressful, he is comforting, calming, loving. He has a beautiful relationship with my daughter and the things that she learns from him aren't things that she'd learn from me or her dad. His family and mine are both non-local and fairly low maintenance. We have good relationships with everyone. DH is on good terms with his ex, though they have few reasons to interact at all anymore.

If there were more kids in play or if we had contentious ex-spouse issues or in-law drama, I would probably relate to the "it's a hassle" sentiment more. But that's not my situation, so that does not resonate.

[Anonymous]

I am, but what I think works to our advantage is only my husband came into the marriage having been married/divorced and with a kid. So we didn't have to blend two sets of kids, nor do we deal with two exes- just his. And she lives in another state, so it's not that terrible. She has definitely had her weirdo moments over the years (like calling 2-3x a day while we were on our honeymoon for inane reasons like asking how many Advil to give their kid who had a headache) but overall, it has not been so wretched as to say I wouldn't do it again. We have two children together and my stepson adores them and is an amazing brother. He is a great kid and I love him.

Now, if I had my own kids, and he had had his, and we had to juggle raising them our own ways, and had the hassle of working two different custody arrangements and two ex-spouses, I can see how that would be way, way more stressful and irritating.

[Anonymous]

I married a divorced woman with a child (son), and we now have children of our own (son and daughter). If I were to re-live my life, I would not marry her again. She has a stronger bond with her first child than with our children (for her "my son" is her first born, not mine).

If I were to write a note to my then 30 year old self, it would start off with "marry someone in your own situation -- never married, no children."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raised in one of these families. Nobody mistreated me, but the logistics were pretty complicated and our family life always felt scattered. We often didn't get to do things we wanted to do. I never really bonded with my mom's husband's kids despite similar ages, and at this point we aren't in touch. I think we may have to be more in touch if our parents are still married when they are old, of course, to take care of the parents.

My only advice to you is to lower your expectations. My mom's attempts to force us to be a happy family always backfired and created more resentment. Just let everyone be how they are.

I try to let everyone be. DH wants us to do more things all together. The kids are all teenagers and it is very stressful.

I remember it all changed when the step became a teen. DH couldn't force him to visit very often, he had his own friends and social life which is normal. Our kids were little so basically worked out for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I married a divorced woman with a child (son), and we now have children of our own (son and daughter). If I were to re-live my life, I would not marry her again. She has a stronger bond with her first child than with our children (for her "my son" is her first born, not mine).

If I were to write a note to my then 30 year old self, it would start off with "marry someone in your own situation -- never married, no children."

+1 except don't care if she was married before.before

[Anonymous]

I am in a blended family but I didn't bring any kids into it. I have three step kids, one of whom is severely disabled. And I have one bio child with my husband.

The kids are all scattered, except our child together. We get together as much as possible but we've never taken a vacation together. It's not ideal but maybe I set the bar low. My relationship with my step kids is more like that of a caring aunt. I didn't expect them to love me or even like me. And I didn't expect the Brady Bunch. I think they are neat in their unique ways. I enjoy hearing about their lives. I feel sadness when they struggle. I feel sad I can take my bio kid on a vacation and not them. But as long as we are getting pretty regular contact, I'm generally happy.

Things change as they hit new milestones in life. My older step caught will get married soon. Will we still be a part of her new life? I don't know. I hope so, in some fashion.