If your spouse works all of the time how do you not become resentful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. You are a SAHM, not a robot. Not a single mom.

Hire a babysitter throughout the week and for a few hours on the weekend. Staying home 24/7 with no break is isolating and depressing.

We're not haters, we're telling the truth which clearly you and the OP are in denial about.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of work/hobby is this?
How much money is he bringing in?
And you really don't need the money?

I guess my answer depends on what the details are.
For example, if he loves to play poker and is now spending all weekend at professional poker player tournaments, hoping to hit it big, that's one thing.
If he's a high school teacher for his full time job and is working with at risk youth on the weekends to bring their homework to jails and detention centers, that's another.

If he is bringing in a couple hundred dollars a weekend coaching sports and hanging out with the guys at baseball fields and after game bars watching replays, and is bringing in $175/year, that is also not a great situation

But if by not needing the money you mean you are getting by with the monthly bills but not saving and have credit card debt, then he may be doing the right thing by getting extra work every weekend.

Lots of nuances here OP!

I tend to take a different view. The "type" of hobby or the "amount" of money is irrelevant.

Values are what is important, and that should dictate actions and decisions. When one's kid(s) are under age 4, is not the time to go embark on personal hobbies and projects. Help your spouse, raise your babies, be there for each other. Those years are tough, and if one spouse checks out to do personal stuff or hide behind "stressful officework" then maybe it's time for a different job.

Ask him what his priorities are. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Honeatly, I don't think he wants to have a family. In my home, this would be a major red flag. My DH hates it when he has to work long hours for travel for work. We both work FT and used to fight over whose turn it was to hold the baby. We still compete a bit for time, but ad the kids have gotten older they more and more want to do their own thing.

I'd look into the state of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. You are a SAHM, not a robot. Not a single mom.

Hire a babysitter throughout the week and for a few hours on the weekend. Staying home 24/7 with no break is isolating and depressing.

We're not haters, we're telling the truth which clearly you and the OP are in denial about.

+1
Had a friend with a guy like this, but she woke up before 7 or 8 years!

OP sit down with him, tell him it's time for him to go back to work. Time to think about retirements, paying off a home, paying down the debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd loved to be married to someone that dedicated, OP. Maybe I can trade you my web-surfing, non-finger-lifting, husband?
The grass is always greener.

Shoot me too. I'm single and would love to stay home but alas I can't.

I wouldn't form my mouth to complain one bit if I had a husband like yours OP.

Look at these sloths who just want a husband to be a paycheck. Its unfortunate you werent attractive enough to marry a high earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honeatly, I don't think he wants to have a family. In my home, this would be a major red flag. My DH hates it when he has to work long hours for travel for work. We both work FT and used to fight over whose turn it was to hold the baby. We still compete a bit for time, but ad the kids have gotten older they more and more want to do their own thing.

I'd look into the state of your marriage.

agree. he should be trying to spend MORE time with you and the kids, not less. Not a game of chicken, holding out doing family stuff hoping the other spouse gets to it instead. that's pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd loved to be married to someone that dedicated, OP. Maybe I can trade you my web-surfing, non-finger-lifting, husband?
The grass is always greener.

Shoot me too. I'm single and would love to stay home but alas I can't.

I wouldn't form my mouth to complain one bit if I had a husband like yours OP.

Look at these sloths who just want a husband to be a paycheck. Its unfortunate you werent attractive enough to marry a high earner.

what are you talking about? If I'm a sloth and you're a paycheck, who is raising the kids? who is managing the property? who is doing household admin (bills, insurance, school stuff)? I feel sorry for whatever that is.

and BTW, if a "husband" is just a paycheck, why bother staying married. any self-respecting, hard-working, educated and caring woman wouldn't stand for Paycheck Boy for very long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'd loved to be married to someone that dedicated, OP. Maybe I can trade you my web-surfing, non-finger-lifting, husband?
The grass is always greener.

Shoot me too. I'm single and would love to stay home but alas I can't.

I wouldn't form my mouth to complain one bit if I had a husband like yours OP.

Look at these sloths who just want a husband to be a paycheck. Its unfortunate you werent attractive enough to marry a high earner.

what are you talking about? If I'm a sloth and you're a paycheck, who is raising the kids? who is managing the property? who is doing household admin (bills, insurance, school stuff)? I feel sorry for whatever that is.

and BTW, if a "husband" is just a paycheck, why bother staying married. any self-respecting, hard-working, educated and caring woman wouldn't stand for Paycheck Boy for very long.

There ya go. You just described OP's husband. You had no empathy for her when you were complaining about your own lazy spouse a few posts back. But Now youre getting it. Most women dont marry for just a paycheck and thats all her DH is doing right now

[Anonymous]

I was a new poster. Unclear what you are harping about.

OP and her husband need couples counseling, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NOP.

I'm struggling with this acceptance from the point of view of a girlfriend turned fiancee. My FI has a great job, but his work often extends into the late hours of the night by his own doing. When he's with me on weekends he's working from (my) home. He works from his home after work hours. He puts in 8+ hours at work, plus another 3-4 hours every night, sometimes 6! He's a total workaholic, we don't have kids, and I'm worried how this picture is going to look a couple years down the line when I am ready to have a family with him, and he's going to make me feel like a single parent because he's always busy with work.

I don't resent him now, and he's aware that his long work hours make me feel neglected sometimes, but I also know that he's been at his job 2 years and he's trying to get ahead with a huge promotion, so maybe I just need to back off, let him take care of this, nail that promotion, and then things will get better. Friends have warned me that may not change.

Don't have children with this man, pp. He will not change.

[Anonymous]

I understand your pain. I went through this with my DH and had to explain to him that money doesn't replace spending quality time which I absolutely need. I would give him an ultimatum or consider a divorce. Express to him that if he has to get the kids on weekends in case of divorce his side hobby is going to end anyway.

Thankfully my Dh and I were able to come to an agreement. He takes off one day during the week to be with us and doesn't work on Sundays any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOP.

I'm struggling with this acceptance from the point of view of a girlfriend turned fiancee. My FI has a great job, but his work often extends into the late hours of the night by his own doing. When he's with me on weekends he's working from (my) home. He works from his home after work hours. He puts in 8+ hours at work, plus another 3-4 hours every night, sometimes 6! He's a total workaholic, we don't have kids, and I'm worried how this picture is going to look a couple years down the line when I am ready to have a family with him, and he's going to make me feel like a single parent because he's always busy with work.

I don't resent him now, and he's aware that his long work hours make me feel neglected sometimes, but I also know that he's been at his job 2 years and he's trying to get ahead with a huge promotion, so maybe I just need to back off, let him take care of this, nail that promotion, and then things will get better. Friends have warned me that may not change.

Don't have children with this man, pp. He will not change.

He will not change. Everyone I know who was a workaholic at the beginning of their career was a workaholic all the way through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really struggling with this. My own husband has a side hobby which he happens to get paid for that started out as a few hours on Sundays to being gone almost all day/evening both Saturday and Sunday. The extra money helps us but it's not like we are paycheck to paycheck. I admire his work ethic and I know I logically shouldn't be angry at him for going above and beyond to provide (Im a SAHM) but I AM getting angry. Honestly I'm at the point where part of me thinks he does it just to be out of the house.

We have an infant and since he works full time during the week and is gone all weekend all of the parenting is on me. Add in that our baby is a really crappy sleeper and I am up multiple times at night and basically the sole caretaker 24/7. I am just worn so thin. I understand he has the stress of being the provider for the household and so technically it's my job to do take care of the baby but Im exhausted. And I just can't take being home by myself with the baby all of the time. Especially weekends when I see my friends and other families spending time together. Mpm groups would probably just wear me out even more at this point. DH and I haven't gone on a date since the baby was born 10 months ago (we have gone out to eat with the baby twice) and I am just getting horrendously depressed and lonely. I have expressed all of these feelings to no avail. I have cried, have gotten angry, have tried to compromise with only half weekends and he still does whatever he wants. I'm becoming extremely resentful and detached.

How do I just accept this is my life now? I know some women who have husbands that travel a lot and maybe they can offer insight? It's just not how I envisioned family life at all.

None of this is okay. If you both agreed that the money was necessary, then it would be stupid of you to complain that he was out earning it, unless you were willing and able to earn some yourself. But it doesn't sound like you're the one pushing for him to earn more. I would be insisting on counseling. If that were not possible, I'd be hiring help and/or looking for a part-time job. Because you need to get out of the house, you need some time with other people, you need something that gives you a break from being alone with your baby 24-7. The people who say that they wouldn't complain if they never saw their husband because he was working to earn more money are just alien to me. Like, would you actually not miss your husband? Would you actually not care that he never saw his own child or helped care for her? People don't get married because they want to be alone all the time.

My dad was offered a promotion at work that would have meant constant travel. He turned it down (with my mom's full agreement) because he genuinely wanted to spend time with his family. The extra money would have been great, sure, but it wasn't worth not seeing his wife and kids. As a kid, I might have been upset when we couldn't afford something I wanted (we always had everything we needed). But I also loved that my dad was home almost every night and weekend, that he went to our games and plays and events, that having dinner with us was something that he not only valued, but really enjoyed. There's no amount of money that can replace the knowledge that your parents not only love you, but like you and value time with you.