If your spouse works all of the time how do you not become resentful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you get a fucking job so all the financial stress won't be on him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ PP, Does the marriage suffer or do you get over it and find other ways to keep your marriage alive and happy?

It didn't really suffer before we had a kid. I could go do stuff with friends, work out or spend time by myself which is important to me.

But once we had a baby it was a huge problem. He didn't understand that he had to change his priorities and his lifestyle now that we had a baby. He thought that I could just take care of it which led to a ton of resentment. I was working full time but doing the majority of the care related to the baby. He also thought that working extra hours at home didn't "count" toward his own time. So he was spending hours on the laptop and the phone while I was taking care of the baby or doing household chores, then he also wanted time to do things for himself. Sounds reasonable, but I had zero time for myself since I was working full time and then doing all of the baby/house stuff and I was exhausted plus also going through PPD/PPA which he refused to acknowledge. He thought that mind over matter would take care of it. He used work a lot of the time as an excuse for checking out of our new reality and thought it was acceptable.

I didn't handle it well and it led to years of built up resentment, especially since he had been the one pushing for a baby. I finally told him we needed to go to counseling or seriously consider a separation. We started counseling and I told him my true feelings and he finally admitted to putting work before family and then I was able to let some of the resentment go. He had a health emergency a few months ago and since then has been much better about prioritizing family. The laptop still goes right on the island in the evenings and on weekends but he's better able to figure out what needs to be done vs. doing "work" as an acceptable form of alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he said he is doing this only for the money?info the posterbwho suggested she get a "fucking job,"/she has one. Full time day and night nanny, which would otherwise come out of the hhi.

However a job may give the OP a break from routine and some leverage in dealing with her husband's residential spend all his free time out of the home.

Op before you had the kid did you discuss the financial implications of staying home?/may i ask what the hhi is now with and without the " ”hobby?"

Agree with this. What does he say his main motivation is for this weekend work? If it's money, then he can stay home with the baby on the weekends or evening while you work to earn an equivalent amount. It will help both of you, really all three of you. If it's more for fun, then you hire some help. See the "mommy martyr" thread elsewhere in this forum. You don't help anyone by being depressed, lonely, and tired. You not only deserve some self-care (socialization, sleep, exercise, nutrition) but also have a responsibility to do that for your baby's own good.

[Anonymous]

if he's earning well, why not get a part time nanny so you can step out of the house on your own/nap/go to gym etc? I would go pretty nuts with your arrangement as well.

[Anonymous]

Op
When I first read your post It reminded me of myself years ago with my ex. In my situation I really didn't realize what I was doing. The money was easy, the jobs were abundant so I took advantage. I was making in a weekend what I make in a week so it was a no brainer.
My ex then got resentful that it ruined our marriage. She was never the type that communicate so I didn't have a clue. Talk to him and see where it goes. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ PP, Does the marriage suffer or do you get over it and find other ways to keep your marriage alive and happy?

It didn't really suffer before we had a kid. I could go do stuff with friends, work out or spend time by myself which is important to me.

But once we had a baby it was a huge problem. He didn't understand that he had to change his priorities and his lifestyle now that we had a baby. He thought that I could just take care of it which led to a ton of resentment. I was working full time but doing the majority of the care related to the baby. He also thought that working extra hours at home didn't "count" toward his own time. So he was spending hours on the laptop and the phone while I was taking care of the baby or doing household chores, then he also wanted time to do things for himself. Sounds reasonable, but I had zero time for myself since I was working full time and then doing all of the baby/house stuff and I was exhausted plus also going through PPD/PPA which he refused to acknowledge. He thought that mind over matter would take care of it. He used work a lot of the time as an excuse for checking out of our new reality and thought it was acceptable.

I didn't handle it well and it led to years of built up resentment, especially since he had been the one pushing for a baby. I finally told him we needed to go to counseling or seriously consider a separation. We started counseling and I told him my true feelings and he finally admitted to putting work before family and then I was able to let some of the resentment go. He had a health emergency a few months ago and since then has been much better about prioritizing family. The laptop still goes right on the island in the evenings and on weekends but he's better able to figure out what needs to be done vs. doing "work" as an acceptable form of alone time.

I just broke up with someone like this. He didn't want to have kids but now says he does but he wants to keep the same travel and work hours and wants a wife who basically raises the kid entirely on his own. I'm pretty pissed that he went from "I don't want kids" to "I want them but don't want to take care of them."

[Anonymous]

My DH works all the time, he's addicted to his job. I used to work full time and he would still work the same amount of hours, which left me having to do just about all of the household/childcare duties. I don't work now because our life is much more balanced (at least mine is) with me home. DH makes enough $ for a comfortable life, I enjoy my time and do a lot while kids are at school and I like not worrying about getting kids from childcare, sick days, snow days, appointments, sports shuffling, etc. My career was very successful and lucrative, but it's on hold for awhile. It is what it is with DH, I'm not going to leave him because he doesn't do his share around the house... I'd like him to be around more but he's not going to leave his job anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

If my husband wasn't home on the weekends, it WOULD bug me. Not just to help with the kids, but so I could see him & hang out!! I miss him when he is gone.

My husband works long hours during the week, but rarely on the weekends (I'm a SAHM). He occasionally travels for work and is sometimes gone 2, 3, 4 days in a row, which I never mind. But that's because (1) my kids are in elementary school which is way easier than a baby and (2) the more he works, the more money he will make. So I encourage him to work!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think there are a few things going on here.

First, I don't think it's realistic to find a way to just be happy about having what is effectively an absentee spouse and co-parent. You learn to deal 'cuz you do, but it does have an impact on your relationship. DH was very much like this early on...and I think he got a wake up call when a couple of times he managed to take an evening off only to find out I already had other plans. After getting tired of his getting home after I was asleep everyday, I decided I needed my own life so I created one. He eventually decided he did want to be a part of it after all, and changed a bit.

A bigger issue for you, though, is that you also may not like being a SAHM. It's hard to tease out, since being a SAHM while your DH works during the week and being effectively a 24/7 careprovider are two different things (I don't think the lattter is the same as being a single parent, since you don't have to stress about earning money). But you speak of being bored with baby, which seems like it might be more about not liking SAHP'ing.

You said you've talked about this with DH already, and he won't change...which really tells me that your marriage is in trouble. I would suggest counseling for your relationship (which is in a bad place regarldess). But I would also suggest having honest look internally as to whether SAH is really what you want...because to me your post reads as if there are two simultaneous issues right now for you guys.

[Anonymous]

Because MONEY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you get a .......... job so all the financial stress won't be on him?

I'm wondering this as well OP.

It appears to almost always be the non-working spouse complaining about the working spouse who essentially is providing a good lifestyle for the non-working spouse.

[Anonymous]

I'd loved to be married to someone that dedicated, OP. Maybe I can trade you my web-surfing, non-finger-lifting, husband?
The grass is always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you get a .......... job so all the financial stress won't be on him?

I'm wondering this as well OP.

It appears to almost always be the non-working spouse complaining about the working spouse who essentially is providing a good lifestyle for the non-working spouse.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd loved to be married to someone that dedicated, OP. Maybe I can trade you my web-surfing, non-finger-lifting, husband?
The grass is always greener.

Shoot me too. I'm single and would love to stay home but alas I can't.

I wouldn't form my mouth to complain one bit if I had a husband like yours OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters. You are a SAHM, not a robot. Not a single mom.

Hire a babysitter throughout the week and for a few hours on the weekend. Staying home 24/7 with no break is isolating and depressing.