Has a family member cut you out? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cut us all off after married a narcissistic BPD. She slowly controlled his life and his brain. They are both sick.

I don't get how apparently every SIL has bpd.

Welcome to DCUM.

[Anonymous]

My in-law extended family members are riddled with BPD and a couple of NPD for good measure. They are always busy cutting people out on a rotating basis. It's like a dull middle-aged Asian version of Vanderpump Rules, with all the feuds and fresh offenses every week. I stay out of it, play dumb, stay pleasant. Every so often they cut me out too. Basically, there's no pleasing this kind of person, so live your life and spare yourself the drama.

I also have a mother who cuts people out. She's usually feuding with one of her siblings or a neighbor. I keep my distance. It's probably why I'm good at ignoring the in-law drama. I grew up shrugging off crazy drama.

[Anonymous]

I cut my sister out. We are close in age and close growing up but she was always beating me up, manipulating my parents, etc. My mom really counted on me being the bigger person and letting things slide with her. Finally, when we were in our 30s I was just done. We had a normal (for us) phone conversation where she was just annoying about some stupid thing and something in me just cracked. I literally haven't spoken to her since and it has been at least 5 years.

I have to admit that I feel so much better. At first she would call and send me texts but I just ignored. As time went by my life just became so much easier without her in it. I had a long talk with my parents and just explained that we will always be sisters but she isn't someone I like or want my children around so don't expect it. My parents were oddly ok with it. I think they know what damaged goods she is. She is married to a man she doesn't like and her kids are very odd. I think I was one of the last people to realize how difficult she is to have in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because his dysfunctional wife made up crap.

Really? What?

(Somehow, I suspect somebody else is dysfunctional too)

I'm not perfect, sure. Doesn't change the fact that his wife is insecure and threatened by all relationships he has that she can't control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cut me out after my mom died and he began dating again (a few months after her death). By the time I was in my mid twenties, we had almost no communication at all. I learned about his wedding from a family friend who casually mentioned it to me.

For years, I thought it was temporary and that the situation would resolve. I spent a ton of money on therapy for myself, and spent far, far too much time hating myself because of the situation with my dad, and writing him long, heart-felt emails (at the advice of various friends and therapists, all of whom supported my delusion that my dad would eventually want me in his life again if I could just "try to understand what he's going through" long enough and wait) that he would either ignore or respond to in one or two sentences about the weather or similar, completely ignoring what I had written.

+1 he says ugly things about my attempts to reconcile.

Recently, I have accepted that he really did choose this and wants nothing to do with me. He is not angry with me: he just doesn't care about me, and his priority is his current wife and her children. He hasn't met his "blood" grandchildren because he just doesn't care, and he considers his wife's grandchildren, who I hear he dotes upon, his true family.

I'm 36, btw. My advice to people who have been cut off by family members is to try to find a way to accept their decision instead of trying to change their minds. You can't control their decision, just how you choose to react to it. It isn't worth beating yourself up and trying to figure out what went wrong because you will probably never know.

+1 I could have written this -- substitute brother for father and there you have it. We were so close growing up. One day his wife told him to end the relationship with me -- that was 30 years ago. We have spoken a few times over the years.
I invited him to my wedding -- 10 years later. He made a big, ugly scene. He to this day insists that my DH, who he has never met, faked his professional credentials. He is always checking up on my DH. WTH? Pretty hard to fake credentials as DH is a public figure and they do check.
I called him when my father was in a near death accident, and again when my mother died. He feels free to be very verbally abusive. For example, he told me I killed my mother.
That hurt and I was 600 miles away at the time.
But there is no need to defend such craziness, although I patiently try, which is a complete waste of time. I think he has mental issues, or else he is just full of hate... for something that happened 30 years ago, I can't think what. The advice above is good advice. You cannot control some types of other people. They have made their decision and that is that.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your sister may be hiding something. Like she has a substance abuse problem? Or you do?

[Anonymous]

Op, can you please answer why you didn't take a cab home or make them take a cab if it was your car? You totally had the right to say, "I am going home," but no right to force them to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cut us all off after married a narcissistic BPD. She slowly controlled his life and his brain. They are both sick.

I don't get how apparently every SIL has bpd.

We did not know this was happening. She could be a sociopath. We liked her but she only showed us one side of her personality. She was sexually abused as a child and we think this contributed to her problems. But we were in the dark about how things really were until she moved my brother across the country and they have shut out his entire family. She does not have contact with her family due to her childhood issues so I think she did not want my brother to have a family either.They are both sick. We were all shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you please answer why you didn't take a cab home or make them take a cab if it was your car? You totally had the right to say, "I am going home," but no right to force them to leave.

OP here. We came in a car together and my sister was the DD. It did not occur to me that one of us should leave without the rest.

[Anonymous]

Lol. Ok the truth is that people cut off family to save themselves. It's like amputating a limb to save your heart and your mind. its a simple surgery meant as a last ditch effort to save your life. I am a survivor and I am grateful every single day.

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm glad I'm an Only Child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because his dysfunctional wife made up crap.

Really? What?

(Somehow, I suspect somebody else is dysfunctional too)

I'm not perfect, sure. Doesn't change the fact that his wife is insecure and threatened by all relationships he has that she can't control.

You still haven't told us what she "made up" -- was it about something you did to her? her kids? Their $$$?

Why would your brother cut you off just because "evil bitch wife" said something if you had a perfect relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cut us all off after married a narcissistic BPD. She slowly controlled his life and his brain. They are both sick.

I don't get how apparently every SIL has bpd.

We did not know this was happening. She could be a sociopath. We liked her but she only showed us one side of her personality. She was sexually abused as a child and we think this contributed to her problems. But we were in the dark about how things really were until she moved my brother across the country and they have shut out his entire family. She does not have contact with her family due to her childhood issues so I think she did not want my brother to have a family either.They are both sick. We were all shocked.

Here's another vilify the woman example. You say your brother has shut you out because his wife was abused? Sounds like a few facts are missing.

When your brother cut you off, what did he say? What problem did he have with you/your family?

Remember, a married man is an adult. She didn't kidnap him. He went willingly -- and remains with her willingly, which begs a reiteration of the question, why did HE cut you off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I'm glad I'm an Only Child!

It's not all bad. I have one awful, angry, manipulative and I'd say abusive sibling. I'm estranged from them - it was my decision to cut them out a few years ago.

But I have other siblings who are kind, supportive, and easy to get along with. My relationships with them are drama free.

Unfortunately it's somewhat up to chance - you can't choose your family.

[Anonymous]

It's always blame the woman. They never want to look at themselves and ask "what did I do?". It's never "good for them" either just lamenting what a loss for themselves. This is probably the real answer: their focus on their own happiness means they weren't focused on the missing family member's happiness.