Why blame the ex-husband?

[Anonymous]

Because ex-wives have to blame the ex-husband for everything. It's an unwritten rule. They all read out of the same, martyr, victimized handbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because ex-wives have to blame the ex-husband for everything. It's an unwritten rule. They all read out of the same, martyr, victimized handbook.

And the comments like this can make all the women who have responded to this thread with their personal stories feel securely in the right in their feelings. Why? Because you come on here with a lot of generalized whining that doesn't mean anything and stereotypes all women. Meanwhile, the women are responding with personal stories of their own experiences with their own ex husbands.

Signed, someone who isn't even divorced and fully appreciates her husband who may not do a full 50% of the work, but really, really tries and is supportive and a very involved father

[Anonymous]

So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

I posted last night about the many ways in which my ex is a terrible father. It is frustrating, at least partially because when he DOES try, when he chooses to be engaged, he is an amazing dad. Unfortunately, because of other factors in his life that he prioritizes over our child, he only sees her about every 10 days. She used to think he hung the moon, but as he becomes less engaged, she also becomes less engaged. I am disappointed because this is not the father/daughter relationship that I want for either of them, and I know he can do better. I don't get credit just for showing up. I don't see why I should give him credit for doing so.

[Anonymous]

Because the marriage was dysfunctional from the get-go and because women alone on a Saturday night when the kids are with the Ex and his new fiance are looking for somebody else to blame besides their married friends who are home watching TV w/DH & kids ... or their reflection.

Signed,
tired of hearing it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

I posted last night about the many ways in which my ex is a terrible father. It is frustrating, at least partially because when he DOES try, when he chooses to be engaged, he is an amazing dad. Unfortunately, because of other factors in his life that he prioritizes over our child, he only sees her about every 10 days. She used to think he hung the moon, but as he becomes less engaged, she also becomes less engaged. I am disappointed because this is not the father/daughter relationship that I want for either of them, and I know he can do better. I don't get credit just for showing up. I don't see why I should give him credit for doing so.

Controlling, bitter ex wives create parent-child estrangements. People who think your kids don't pick up on your "disappointment" in their Father are deluding themselves.

[Anonymous]

The seething hatred is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the marriage was dysfunctional from the get-go and because women alone on a Saturday night when the kids are with the Ex and his new fiance are looking for somebody else to blame besides their married friends who are home watching TV w/DH & kids ... or their reflection.

Signed,
tired of hearing it

I post semi-regularly about issues about my ex's crappy parenting and I'm certainly not alone on Saturday nights. I've been with the same guy for four years and we're engaged. My ex is the one bouncing from partner to partner (he proposes to almost all of them so, yes, he is engaged himself). So what's the reason in my case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the marriage was dysfunctional from the get-go and because women alone on a Saturday night when the kids are with the Ex and his new fiance are looking for somebody else to blame besides their married friends who are home watching TV w/DH & kids ... or their reflection.

Signed,
tired of hearing it

I post semi-regularly about issues about my ex's crappy parenting and I'm certainly not alone on Saturday nights. I've been with the same guy for four years and we're engaged. My ex is the one bouncing from partner to partner (he proposes to almost all of them so, yes, he is engaged himself). So what's the reason in my case?

Bitterness and outrage that everyone who reads your posts can feel from miles away.

So can your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but really want to understand the line of thinking behind this comment because my situation is identical and I wish things were more amicable. How can I get him to be more involved if he feels that he's been forced out? I would like it if he visited the kids more often, showed up to events, etc. I'm not asking him to help with homework or anything like that; just for him to be more present in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

I posted last night about the many ways in which my ex is a terrible father. It is frustrating, at least partially because when he DOES try, when he chooses to be engaged, he is an amazing dad. Unfortunately, because of other factors in his life that he prioritizes over our child, he only sees her about every 10 days. She used to think he hung the moon, but as he becomes less engaged, she also becomes less engaged. I am disappointed because this is not the father/daughter relationship that I want for either of them, and I know he can do better. I don't get credit just for showing up. I don't see why I should give him credit for doing so.

Controlling, bitter ex wives create parent-child estrangements. People who think your kids don't pick up on your "disappointment" in their Father are deluding themselves.

I do not feel that it's my responsibility to cover for him with our child. She knows how long it's been since she saw him. She also knows why the schedule is what it is: he chose to take a job that results in him not being here during the week at all, and he also requested only to have her every other weekend "so that he had some down time on the weekend once in a while." I am not controlling or bitter, and the only thing I've done to "create" the estrangement has been to agree to the schedule that he proposed. It's not my responsibility to make him an engaged parent. He has chosen not to be that, and I think less of him for it. I've never said a negative word about him to DD. Children are not oblivious. People who think that kids don't notice when their parents take no interest in their lives are deluding themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

I posted last night about the many ways in which my ex is a terrible father. It is frustrating, at least partially because when he DOES try, when he chooses to be engaged, he is an amazing dad. Unfortunately, because of other factors in his life that he prioritizes over our child, he only sees her about every 10 days. She used to think he hung the moon, but as he becomes less engaged, she also becomes less engaged. I am disappointed because this is not the father/daughter relationship that I want for either of them, and I know he can do better. I don't get credit just for showing up. I don't see why I should give him credit for doing so.

Controlling, bitter ex wives create parent-child estrangements. People who think your kids don't pick up on your "disappointment" in their Father are deluding themselves.

I do not feel that it's my responsibility to cover for him with our child. She knows how long it's been since she saw him. She also knows why the schedule is what it is: he chose to take a job that results in him not being here during the week at all, and he also requested only to have her every other weekend "so that he had some down time on the weekend once in a while." I am not controlling or bitter, and the only thing I've done to "create" the estrangement has been to agree to the schedule that he proposed. It's not my responsibility to make him an engaged parent. He has chosen not to be that, and I think less of him for it. I've never said a negative word about him to DD. Children are not oblivious. People who think that kids don't notice when their parents take no interest in their lives are deluding themselves.

Bet he had to take that job to cover child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So answer this one.... women want a divorce because they think the husband doesn't help around the house enough and they most always want primary custody (child support) but then they are most always upset after the divorce when the ex-husband isn't living in the same house the he is doing even less. If they thought it was hard when there was a husband why are they so upset that its even harder when there is no husband?

I blame the ex husband because he doesn't even try to put our kids first. He comes first. His needs, his wants, his social life.

He was a crappy husband but that doesn't mean he has to be a crappy father. He lives nearby; he could take them to the doctor, the orthodontist, pick them up from child care once in a while... Nope. You'd think divorce would be a wake up call. That because he doesn't see his kids as often as most dads, he'd want them whenever humanly possible. Nope. Of the four nights a month he takes them, he often leaves them with a babysitter.

Sad thing is, older child has begun to see this and resent him for it. I keep my mouth shut. But she's not blind or stupid.

I don't think you can refer to him as a "crappy father" in posts like this and not have your feelings/thoughts about him show up in day-to-day life. Your daughter probably picks up on that. Maybe he feels like you just don't want him around and that you guys essentially kicked in out. Its hard to try and force yourself into a situation when people don't want you there.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but really want to understand the line of thinking behind this comment because my situation is identical and I wish things were more amicable. How can I get him to be more involved if he feels that he's been forced out? I would like it if he visited the kids more often, showed up to events, etc. I'm not asking him to help with homework or anything like that; just for him to be more present in their lives.

Constructively, I would say that if he feels like he has been pushed you, you will probably have to ask him in what ways he wants to be included. "Being more present in their lives" is pretty nebulous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So some of you have shared personal stories but this even happened to the fathers who don't do the things that have been outlined above. I think a lot of the complaining about divorced fathers is similar to the complaining the new mothers do about new fathers. They often think that the father doesn't do it right. I just think that mothers hardly ever give credit to the fathers and even less after the divorce.

I posted last night about the many ways in which my ex is a terrible father. It is frustrating, at least partially because when he DOES try, when he chooses to be engaged, he is an amazing dad. Unfortunately, because of other factors in his life that he prioritizes over our child, he only sees her about every 10 days. She used to think he hung the moon, but as he becomes less engaged, she also becomes less engaged. I am disappointed because this is not the father/daughter relationship that I want for either of them, and I know he can do better. I don't get credit just for showing up. I don't see why I should give him credit for doing so.

Controlling, bitter ex wives create parent-child estrangements. People who think your kids don't pick up on your "disappointment" in their Father are deluding themselves.

I do not feel that it's my responsibility to cover for him with our child. She knows how long it's been since she saw him. She also knows why the schedule is what it is: he chose to take a job that results in him not being here during the week at all, and he also requested only to have her every other weekend "so that he had some down time on the weekend once in a while." I am not controlling or bitter, and the only thing I've done to "create" the estrangement has been to agree to the schedule that he proposed. It's not my responsibility to make him an engaged parent. He has chosen not to be that, and I think less of him for it. I've never said a negative word about him to DD. Children are not oblivious. People who think that kids don't notice when their parents take no interest in their lives are deluding themselves.

Bet he had to take that job to cover child support.

He does not pay me any child support, but go ahead and keep dreaming up reasons why I'm a bitter shrew and he's a misunderstood superhero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the marriage was dysfunctional from the get-go and because women alone on a Saturday night when the kids are with the Ex and his new fiance are looking for somebody else to blame besides their married friends who are home watching TV w/DH & kids ... or their reflection.

Signed,
tired of hearing it

I post semi-regularly about issues about my ex's crappy parenting and I'm certainly not alone on Saturday nights. I've been with the same guy for four years and we're engaged. My ex is the one bouncing from partner to partner (he proposes to almost all of them so, yes, he is engaged himself). So what's the reason in my case?

Bitterness and outrage that everyone who reads your posts can feel from miles away.

So can your children.

You mean like the misogyny and self-pity that we can feel from your posts?